BUTTERFLY MIRACLES....

My life has taken some extreme twists and turns.... i am one that tries to go with the flow...try my hardest to not give into my anxiety and all that goes along with it.

 

In the last seven years or so, My one and only brother-in-law Steve, his life was taken at the young age of 48,  life hasnt been the same without him, I know he looking down anxiously awaiting the birth of his first grandson Gabriel Stephen.  A mere one year later my father-in-law was taken home to meet his Maker.  Oh, how he is missed by everyone who knew him!  A little over four years ago, my brother Jeff also left his earthly home to his eternal home.  This day was horrific for me...when i got the call, my heart was beating fast, trying to take a deep breath, i couldn't take any more, i fell into the kitchen sick, cold water over my face and hair, trying to breathe, I couldn't breathe, it was that instant, this couldn't be true, please God, dont let it be true, my heart was broke literally.  As hard as i try to just remember the good times,  that day is an image stamped on my heart......

 

3 months later I was very foruntate to be able to address my addiction....another huge twist and turn in my life...yet with the help of my God, family, friends, and support group, i will be celebrating 4 years this month.

There are times I cant talk about this and times that I need to, yet times I cant.  I have only shared my most inner feelings and thoughts with few. 
The word INTIMATE..." into me I let you see".  I have let one see into me, until today...  So, here it is, into me i am letting you see.

 

For almost the past 4 years, i have just been existing, going though the motions and asking God why?

I don't think God gave me a straight up answer...yet HE has walked beside me, or carried me at times when I didnt feel like I could go on . Recently, i have been shown I need to do more than exist and just go through the motions, life is just to short.. thank you for that!  I have been reassured that where jeff went to on the far side of the sky, the first thing he was mostly likely to do  is spread his wings and fly.  Tell me Jeff, "is there only

happy tears in heaven ?   are the roads paved in gold.?  Do the angels sing as beautifully as we're told? Have you fished with pa-pa yet? met up with Nora?   I know Jeff you got to where you were goin', and you saw your Maker's face, stand forever in the light of His amazing grace.  So glad you we will all be able to shed our sins and struggles, that we have carried all these years...we can leave our hearts wide open, we will love and have no fear.

 

 

As time goes on, everyone says it will get easier... I'm still waiting for that time.  I have to say i have prayed and asked God for some signs that I will be ok.  One thing God has sent to be is "the butterfly".   One day a butterfly flew by me, and another day when i went out to my car, a butterly was taking a break on my front window, then she started to flutter around me.. I thought to myself , why little butterfly,, why did you pick my car to land on?   You come into this world as a cocoon all by yourself and blossom into this beatuiful butterfly and fly off to see the world.  I know this little butterfly didnt even realize as she flutters through the days,  how she touches those around her,  in her soft and gentle way.  She fluttered her wings towards me as if she was waving goodbye, as she headed towards the horizon.  She looked very happy and content (happy and happy as Lex would say) as she went on her way, as if to say to me "don't worry,you'll be ok".  I was sad to see her go, for she has touched my heart in such a way that I knew my life would never be the same, she had left an imprint of all the beauty life has to offer.  I knew each time i looked at another butterfly or horizon, I would remember our moment in time when it was only her and I.  I knew I would be a better person all because this little butterfly rested on my windshield and flew by me one bright sunny day. 

 

Each day when i wear one of my butterfly hair pins, a butterfly necklace or a butterfly pin, tears may stream down my face at times.  As I ponder the incident with the butterly, I realize I have to let Jeff go, not forget, but refuse to cling to what might have been.  The butterfly became my symbol.  Little by little I am accepting my brothers departure from my life, but not forgetting what we shared.  The awful pain and emptiness has declined slightly as i persist in enjoying the memories of all the time we had together, not dwelling on the times we'd never have.  As my journey continues, the butterfly reminds me the new life that awaits me.  But when will that lingering ache in my chest depart?  Four years have passed.  I believe that as long as I live the ache will remain, yet when that butterly fluttered around me and towards me, as if heaven sent.  In the end, when Jeff's heart stopped beating, but his wonderful spirit remained, the deep, painful cavity inside me screamed for relief.  How I and others longed for a part of Jeff to keep near.  His starbucks card with Ray Charles on it, his Bruce Springsteen ticket stubs, his love of gardening and music, these possessions have provided little comfort, and at times more pain.  But, the butterfly held the promise of his continued presence with me.  His life changed, like the caterpillar to the butterfly.  He was no longer bound by ill health and earthly trials.  The butterfly reminded me of this truth.  The miracle of the butterfly reminds me of this truth and soothes my grieving heart.  Do I miss him? Yes.  Is there sadness or a tear now and then?  Yes.  But there is a difference.  The sadness no longer steals the joy away.  Now when i wear one of my beautiful butterfly's, it is a symbol of victory over death and a new life, not just for Jeff but for me as well

I know Jeff wouldnt want me to just exist and go through the motions of everyday life....i came across this reading that  I believe is what my brother is saying to me:

"As I sit in heaven, and watch you everyday. I try to let you know with signs I never went away. I hear you when you are laughing, and watch you as you sleep.  I even place my arms around you to calm you as you weep.  I see you wish the days away, begging to have me home. So I try to send you signs, so you know you are not alone.  Don't feel guility that you have life that was denied to me.  Heaven is truly beautiful, just you wait and see.  So live your life, laugh again, enjoy yourself, be free.  Then I know with every breath you take, you'll be taking one for me."

Ok....  i pray that these words may be soothing to you or for others if you choose to share with others. 

I have been given reasons and i'm extremely grateful...friendship, everlasting love, care, truth and promises have let me smile, laugh, and walk with my chin up, and realize God needed jeff more than I did... So, until we meet up again...

because of HIS Amazing love.....