God... grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...the courage to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know the differencre.
I can only say I am extremly grateful that just a little over 4 years ago, with the help of my God, my family and friends, I was able to take the first step to addiction recovery and admit I had a problem. Yes, this sounds so cliche at times, but there is truth in those words. so, what makes it so hard to do that very first step? My world was closing in on me...i couldnt do it anymore...i was literally 3 feet under or a foot in the grave some say.
I have this wall around me... letting few look inside... very few have even gotten all the way in...I don't want to push people away or keep you an arm's lenght away.. yet i do...its the fear that you will leave footprints on my heart and then disappear..i know it may sound silly or shallow, but it's the truth. I am going to say a small prayer and then do my best to let you see in me. "Dear God, please give me the words and thoughts and be able to show others how there is another way to live, drug free. I ask you God, to give me the strenght and peace as i share some of the most personal events in my life. God I give you all the praise and glory for using me as a small inspiration or be that someone that others can watch me walk the walk, not just talk the talk. Lord, I want to do the work you have planned and continue to lay out in front of me. Thank you Jesus, amen."
My story is not the typical story.. as you will see... yet please please understand this from this time on.. we cannot look at the differences, we have to look at the simalarties. I have never been in the backseat of a police car, except when i got to ride around with my dad while he was on duty. I have never been arrested or gone to jail, except when i got a tour of the county jail with my dad, (and when i would go every saturday mornings and visit a special friend, who took a time or two to get this recovery stuff) I never lost my job, i never lost my car, any possesions, i never lost my family, my friends, i never slept under a bridge or never had to sleep from couch to couch. My life looked more like the house with the white picket fence, married and had two kids a boy and then a girl. What a perfect life, a job of 30 some years, trips to Disneyland, the ocean, Italy, Belize, camping with friends. There is really nothing i needed or wanted. We went to church, worked with the youth group..Life was good, and who would of ever thought, I would say "my name is Sherri F. and I am an addict". When I was finally able to say it and mean it, thats when my recovery started.
I'm not completely comfortable sharing some of my story, but i feel it is very important to put it out there, so others may relate and hear even a few words that will help them. I feel like I am saying "once upon a time..." My addiction started out slow and innocently. I was having problems sleeping, hard to fall asleep and even harder to stay asleep... ambien was that magic pill, life is good again. Now my emotions were all over the place, cry at the drop of the hat and there didnt have to be a reason to cry. Another magic pill Xanex.... given to me to take care of all these emotions, take every 6 hours. Gosh darn it, I now have a herniated disc, chiropractor, MRI, and a surgeon. This lead to the next magic pill...Soma. As time went on, and this didnt work and that didnt help, so more magic pills. Tresadone, valuim, loraspan, ambien CR. Honestly, i took as prescribed for several years, and everyone of these prescriptions were given to me by the same doctor. So why would I ever think i was an addict... in my mind, It just a dependency on these prescriptions, no big deal, right?
On October 16th, 2008, my life was turned upside down. My only brother, Jeff had died (my hands are shaking as I write this :(.. and on this same day, i had a heart attic and spent several days in the hospital I didnt know how to get through this, so i just made my own personal little cocktail.through the day and night. I took more and more and mixed and matched. I didnt want to feel, think and face reality. Several times i was close to death, but, now i know God wasnt finished with me yet.
Even though I was really going through it ... trying to decide what to do now...my decision was made up, a treatment center in Modesto, called New Hope... this was all new to me. Never had I imaged i would be in this situation. While I was detoxing, attending AA and NA meetings, group sessions and trying to see light at the end of the tunnel. (during my days in this treatment center, I learned more about life and the flip side of what i was exposed to.)
A drug addiction can leave you with a feeling of emptiness. It can make you feel like you have no direction in your life or even completely lost. I had no idea how much i was missing out on an almost perfect, ideal life. While i was in the midst of my own little world, there were many things taking place in the world... i was told that there my light was on, but no one was home. I was grateful for that someone that brought it to my attention. I was so wrapped up in my own little world that I missed out on reality. During this time US Airways flight 1549 lands in the Hudson River, the first death from the Swine flu, and Aretha Franklin sang at the Presidental Inauguration. General Motors files for bankrupsting, unemployent reaches 9.5%, Brett Favre retires from the New York Jets, Rascal Flatts wins ACM award for the 8th year in a row. Los Angles Dodgers defeat San Diego Padres 4-1, Steele's beat Cardinals 27-23 to win the Super bowl XL111, Obama is the 44th US President, and tickets for Taylor Swift's concert in LA sold out in 2 minutes. So, these things didnt matter to me, I was in a fog, wrapped up in my addiction. trying to figure out how i could stop.
It was time to stop...I tried and tried with no luck. Finally I checked myself into a recovery treatment center. I had no clue what i was getting myself into! Yet, this treatment center had a huge part of saving my life. I will never forget the counslors, all of the staff and the family nites and days and with everyone wishing me well. I learned probably more in 30 days than i learned in life! The treatment center is so not a Bette Ford. We cleaned, cooked, talked, opened up in order to get some stuff off our sholders. At first, I didn't feel a part of....yet within days, many relationships were formed and I knew I was right where I needed to be. Many of us still see or talk to each other. It's amazing to see so many of us have stayed strong and drug free. No doubt a support group, a sponser, stepwork and NA or AA meetings can make a huge difference
There comes a point in life when substance abuse users wake up and realize enough is enough. It seems that if a person wants recovery they have to desire and go after clean time. When people are forced to go, it seems their heart and desire isnt in the right spot,
So today, i am grateful to say i now have 4 years clean. Has it been a difficult 4 years? Yes, there has even been days that i have had to Let go and Let God.
It was time to stop...I tried and tried with no luck. Finally I checked myself into a recovery treatment center. I had no clue what i was getting myself into! Yet, this treatment center had a huge part of saving my life. I will never forget the counslors, all of the staff and the family nites and days and with everyone wishing me well. I learned probably more in 30 days than i learned in life! The treatment center is so not a Bette Ford. We cleaned, cooked, talked, opened up in order to get some stuff off our sholders. At first, I didn't feel a part of....yet within days, many relationships were formed and I knew I was right where I needed to be. Many of us still see or talk to each other. It's amazing to see so many of us have stayed strong and drug free. No doubt a support group, a sponser, stepwork and NA or AA meetings can make a huge difference
There comes a point in life when substance abuse users wake up and realize enough is enough. It seems that if a person wants recovery they have to desire and go after clean time. When people are forced to go, it seems their heart and desire isnt in the right spot,
So today, i am grateful to say i now have 4 years clean. Has it been a difficult 4 years? Yes, there has even been days that i have had to Let go and Let God.
The passion i have for recovery, hopefully i will have some opportunities to share my hope, strenghts
and experiences with others. I took a leap of faith last year and decided to apply to UOP to thier substance abuse program.....completed ... 4 long very busy days per week. A huge accomplishment for me, it has been 30 years since I went to school...had almost 4.0 GPA, then came B+ and
another B+... rest A's.....Oh well, i can say i gave it 110% and I completed the progam. 4 years later to the day, i am able to still say."my name is Sherri F. and i am a grateful recovering addict"
I pray that you now know alittle more about me, or you feel comfortable in admitting you have a problem and you want/need help You deserve so much in life. And please remember that God won't bring you to it, without helping you through it.
because of His AMAZING GRACE....
another B+... rest A's.....Oh well, i can say i gave it 110% and I completed the progam. 4 years later to the day, i am able to still say."my name is Sherri F. and i am a grateful recovering addict"
I pray that you now know alittle more about me, or you feel comfortable in admitting you have a problem and you want/need help You deserve so much in life. And please remember that God won't bring you to it, without helping you through it.
because of His AMAZING GRACE....
No comments:
Post a Comment