ABOVE AND BEYOND......

As i was nearing the end of a baby blanket that i am making for my great nephew whom i am so excited to meet! Gabriel Stephen will be welcomed in April... i can't help but think about the life he will have... He will learn lesson after lesson, and he will teach us lesson after lesson also... I love his mommy with all my heart, and have much respect for his daddy... because you see, they are both brave enough and have lots of courage to serve this country of ours, providing us with many freedoms.  Not afraid to do what is asked of them, and they do it with Honor and Pride.  so yes, going from a baby blanket i am working on, to how blessed i am to be apart of Emily and Ariel's life, to thanking those who serve our country. My mind does skip around  quite a bit, but part of who I am, call it a character defect, a flaw in my personality, or simply non-sense, some appreciate it while one will dis-credit... it's ok... cuz i know its progress not profection, and God is not finished with me yet. (no doubt in my mind, yet His will, not mine.)

 

This blog post has been swirling around for awhile, in my heart and mind.  I love when i can drive through town and see over 2000 American flags blowing in the wind, and reminding us of our freedom.

 

 

This blog brings many emotions, thoughts and self discovery.  My first thought was of pride and honor as my nephew Ariel serves our country.  He has already served a tour in Afganistan and will for sure be doing another tour soon.  I can't help but think of his mom and dad and they feel about him being deployed, and even more so, my neice Emily.  Just married a few months, got their orders to Colorado Springs for 3 years, and before she was even able to make friends, Ariel was deployed.  My heart goes out to Em's, yet she has done amazing.. I love you baby girl.

 

When I see an American flag flying high, i stop to really think about what the flag means to me.  It symbolizes FREEDOM and many lives lost fighting for that freedom for all of us here in this great country.  I realized I have taken this for granted way to much.  When I stop and take photos of flags, many thoughts and emotions begin to flood in my heart and head.  When I see daddy's holding babies and playing with their children savory every second of this time knowing that there will be many of these moments lost over the next 12 month of deployment.  And by the time that they come back some will be walking, talking, completed another year of school, had a broken heart or two, many firsts, and there will even be those little ones that haven't made their appearance in this world, and will do so while their daddy is away.  Wifes getting ready to be both mom and dad, knowing that they will be the only one to handle all of the household reponsibilities, making all the choices that will effect their childrens lives and not have anyone to help.  There will be grandsons sharing moments with their grandfathers hoping that there will be more when they get back.  Parents showing pride and hiding the fears that their sons or daughters going off to war.  While taking in all their thoughts,  i begin to really realize just what these men and women are giving up for me....so that i can live the life that i live, have the freedoms that i have, and it gives me a wake up call on what is important in life.

 

It tells me we need to speak those unspoken words of love and give those hugs.  I learned that there are not words to express the GREATFULNESS, THANKFULNESS & APPRECIATION I have for each and everyone of these men and women putting their lives on the line for me and my freedom.

 

 

Few emotional moments:

 

Color guard at the hockey games.....

seeing troops march in perfect formation...

watching everyone stand and remove their hats as the National Anthem is sung..

hearing and saying the Pledge of Alligence with such great pride...

learning not to judge the book by its cover...

hearing stories of my dads army days and the many places they lived, saw and the memories they have, there is nothing like the stories of my mom and dads life together at the early age of 18 and going thousands of miles away from family, the time they broke open their piggy bank for a half gallon of ice-cream and some kanasta cards, will 53 years later they gave to me! The people they met and are still wonderful friends ( Marilyn and Jim) One of the most memorable times in my life was going back to Vrigina Beach, Virgina, and them showing us general vacinity where they lived,  stories about places they worked, things they ate, how much money they had or didnt have! cockroach infested apartment that they stayed one nite in and moved out the next morning,  the trailor house they lived in, and when my dad got his orders to go to Korea for 18 months, leaving weeks after Jeff was born.  i also love to hear the stories of my PaPa Bryant during i think WWII, reading some of the letters he wrote home.  All these memories have such meaning and have made me who I am today.....

 

I challenge everyone to thank at least one solider who is serving this GREAT COUNTRY.  take a minute to really think about what they have given up, so you can live the life you live.  then think and ask yourself would you do it for people who you don't know and might not even appreciate it.

 

I want to take this moment to thank my nephew Ariel, my friend Larry who is presently in Kosivo and one of my friends husband Ramon who is also in Kosivo, as she takes great care of their two young daughters and works full-time.  I love to see all the pictues he sends home and gifts that are so meaningful. Facetime and skype are great inventions! To Larry... i know where your heart is, so thank you, and keep sharing all the magical moments with your granddaughters and kids back here at home, and thank you larry for your texts and facebook shares. Not a day goes by that i dont think of Ariel, Ramon and Larry and their families.  My many thanks to them and their families as they have that void in their lives right now, with the many hopes and prayers and well wishes for a safe return.

 

 

 

So, God Bless you and thank you....

 

P.S.  i hope i didnt mention any "classifed information"  and i will always try "to take the 5th!"

 

 



THE CANDY MAN CAN....

I love when i can relate a special time with music.  This past week was Viana's 8th birthday... and we let our (mine and nae's) creativity just start to flow.  There is nothing like being a grandparent, or an Auntie....for months I have had this song on my mind: no clue why, but decided to go with my mind and blog about The Candy Man!

 

THE CANDY MAN ..by Sammy Davis Jr.

 

Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew

Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two

The Candy Man can,

The Candyman can, 'cause he mixes it with love and

makes the world taste good.

 

Who can take a rainbow, wrap it up in a sigh

soak it the sun and make a groovy lemon pie

the candy man can

the candy man can, cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.

 

The candy man makes everything he bakes satisfying and delicious

Now you talk about your childhood wishes, you can even eat the dishes

 

Oh, who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream

separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream

 the candy man can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.

 

 

Oh, the candy man can...cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good...

 

 

Dear Viana....

You are the cutest "WHATCAMACALIT" .  Oh "SUGARBABY".  No matter what anyone says you are not a "NERD" or a "GOOBER"   I love when you "LAFFY TAFFY" with all of our "GOOD N PLENTY" times.  When we play dot to "DOTS"and "TIC TAC " toe.  We never keep "SKOR"

 

It's "UP2U",..."TEXT ME" when you are ready to have "A M&MAZING"   "WHOOPER" of a time.  Since you are such a "LIFE-SAVER" and  "EXTRA" sweet, you deserve to have a  "PAYDAY" with a "100 GRAND",  we are opening a "SAVINGS" account for you!

 

We love you to "REESE'S PIECES"

 

 

( not being computor savy..when i uploaded these pics, it just decided to go in whatever order the computer wanted them, but they are out of order???)

 

Viana, my little brown eyed girl....you are a huge blessing to us.  I wish you would never grow up.  yet, i know you will...there is nothing like having a granddaughter, your eyes just glow, your smile is full of dimples, and your laughter is contagious!  You have a heart of gold, and im enjoying you being in our life... your dance recital, cheerleading, bowling, backwards dinner, how santa found you at our house, and the tooth fairy found you a long long way from home, im so happy you got to go to nanny and pa's in Missouri.  I am looking forward too many many fun things.  Always remember we LOVE YOU!!! and God has big plans for you!!

 

 

 



CHANGE OF HEART.....

Change is....inevitiable,  is hard, is confusing, is happy, is sad,  is challenging, is progess.....

 

Change is a word that most of us don't particularity like.  When things change around us or within us, it usually causes some stress.  Most of us (well, i better speak for myself only) can count on there being a tomorrow, however, some will not see tomorrow.  In either case, there's definetly no time like the present to do things we have been putting off.

 

Ask yourself this question....Does motivation bring productivity, or does productivity bring motivation???  There is no correct answer...either way, it's only by acting that we accomplish our goals, whatever they may be. If we fail to act, our goals won't be achieved. Not today, not ever.  Goals are only met when we put in the effort, and do the hard work required to achieve them.

 

Back to change...why do we put change off anyways?  For some, it's the fear of failure, fear of rejection, or a combo of both.  Or is it because we are lazy, or have to much on our plate already, and think there is always tomorrow.  It's important to remember that we grow as we learn.  I'm not saying that change is easy, but for me it can be challenging.  My own beliefs and my experiences with change, can be difficult.  Even just the word change makes me nervous.  I have a tendency to dig my heels into the ground and not budge.  I never said change is easy, yet I wish I could welcome change, and just go with the flow. Who can make the changes, but us?  Our loved ones, our family, friends, our sponsor or therapist can make reccomendations, encourage and support us, even inspire us with their actions.  Yet it is up to us to make the changes needed.

 

I am trying to be more open and welcome change.  On the lighter side, i love the change of seasons, the change of colors in the fall, the time change twice a year. I love change in my coin purse, when the sheets have been changed, changing of the guard in D.C. and change of pace.  I struggle alittle more with change of technolgey,  the computor, and digital x-rays.

 

Having a change of heart....well that is huge.  Sometimes a change for the good, and sometimes a change for the bad.  Having a change of heart can break another's heart.  For me, i am very cautious and really careful with my words, and careful with my heart and i dont change my promises once i made them.  I give 150% of me when i make a promise.  It's baffeling how some have a change of heart just like that, and their promises become empty promises, thats a huge change, especially when they knew it, and failed to be honest and upfront and be big enough to tell you they had a "change of mind and change of heart"

 

Are you frustrated about life?  If so, change your focus....If you can see, talk, and walk, if you have friends, family and opportunity, learn to appreciate that.  Don't go around complainin about whats wrong.  Change your focus.  If you get stuck in traffic or by a train, just think about all the people that don't have a car.  So, you have a tough day at work, just think of all the people who dont have a job.  Instead of complaining that your hair is turning gray, be grateful you have hair.  Staying grateful is the key to living life happily. Let's just think about this and be reminded that we have a choice.  Whatever is in your heart will eventually come out of your mouth.  We can either complain or praise.  Ask yourself if you only had an hour to live, who would you call, what would you say and what are you wating for?  In the bible it says life is like a vapor, we are here one moment and then we're gone.  Sometimes we live and act as if we are invinvible, like we're always going to be here.

 

I guess we forget how fragile life really is.  If we really want change, we cant expect others to do it for us.  I have learned and I try to focus on the good, slow down and appreciate what God has already given us.  If we mediatate on God's goodness,   He will take you places that you've never dreamed of, so give God His glory.  The Lord giveth and taketh away.

 

So, to close my change of heart blog...please realize that it is never too late, to change your heart, to change your mind,  or to know because of your change of heart and mind, the emptyness and pain can be too much to bare.  Do ordinary things in an extraordinary ways.  Have health, hope and happiness.  Take the time to wish upon a star.  In addition, do not ever forget for even a day...how very special you are.

 

 

CHANGE IS A CHALLENGE AND AN OPPORTUNITY,..... NOT A THREAT..

 

Becuz of HIS AMAZING GRACE.....

 



4 YEARS.... ONE DAY AT A TIME...

 God... grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...the courage to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know the differencre.

 

 

I can only say I am extremly grateful that just a little over 4 years ago, with the help of my God, my family and friends, I was able to take the first step to addiction recovery and admit I had a problem.  Yes, this sounds so cliche at times, but there is truth in those words.  so, what makes it so hard to do that very first step?   My world was closing in on me...i couldnt do it anymore...i was literally 3 feet under or a foot in the grave some say. 

 

I have this wall around me... letting few look inside... very few have even gotten all the way in...I don't want to push people away or keep you an arm's lenght away.. yet i do...its the fear that you will leave footprints on my heart and then disappear..i know it may sound silly or shallow, but it's the truth.  I am going to say a small prayer and then do my best to let you see in me. "Dear God, please give me the words and thoughts and be able to show others how there is another way to live, drug free.  I ask you God, to give me the strenght and peace as i share some of the most personal events in my life.  God I give you all the praise and glory for using me as a small inspiration or be that someone that others can watch me walk the walk, not just talk the talk.  Lord, I want to do the work you  have planned and continue to lay out in front of me.  Thank you Jesus, amen."

 

My story is not the typical story.. as you will see... yet please please understand this from this time on.. we cannot look at the differences, we have to look at the simalarties. I have never been in the backseat of a police car, except when i got to ride around with my dad while he was on duty.  I have never been arrested or gone to jail, except when i got a tour of the county jail with my dad, (and when i would go every saturday mornings and visit a special friend, who took a time or two to get this recovery stuff)  I never lost my job, i never lost my car, any possesions, i never lost my family, my friends, i never slept under a bridge or never had to sleep from couch to couch.  My life looked more like the house with the white picket fence,  married and had  two kids a boy and then a girl.  What a perfect life, a job of 30 some years, trips to Disneyland, the ocean, Italy, Belize, camping with friends.  There is really nothing i needed or wanted.  We went to church, worked with the youth group..Life was good, and who would of ever thought, I would say "my name is Sherri F. and I am an addict".  When I was finally able to say it and mean it, thats when my recovery started.

 

 

I'm not completely comfortable sharing some of my story, but i feel it is very important to put it out there, so others may relate and hear even a few words that will help them.  I feel like I am saying "once upon a time..." My addiction started out slow and innocently.  I was having problems sleeping, hard to fall asleep and even harder to stay asleep... ambien was that magic pill, life is good again.  Now my emotions were all over the place, cry at the drop of the hat and there didnt have to be a reason to cry.  Another magic pill Xanex.... given to me to take care of all these emotions, take every 6 hours.  Gosh darn it, I now have a herniated  disc, chiropractor, MRI, and a surgeon.  This lead to the next magic pill...Soma.  As time went on, and this didnt work and that didnt help, so more magic pills. Tresadone, valuim, loraspan, ambien CR.   Honestly, i took as prescribed for several years, and everyone of these prescriptions were given to me by the same doctor.  So why would I ever think i was an addict... in my mind, It just a dependency on these prescriptions, no big deal, right?

 

 

On October 16th, 2008, my life was turned upside down. My only brother, Jeff had died (my hands are shaking as I write this :(..   and on this same day, i had a heart attic and spent several days in the hospital     I didnt know how to get through this, so i just made my own personal little cocktail.through the day and night.  I took more and more and mixed and matched.  I didnt want to feel, think and face reality.  Several times i was close to death, but, now i know God wasnt finished with me yet.

 

 

Even though I was really  going through it ... trying to decide  what to do now...my decision  was made up, a treatment center in Modesto, called New Hope... this was all new to me.  Never had I imaged i would be in this situation.  While I was detoxing, attending   AA and NA meetings, group sessions and trying to see light at the end of the tunnel. (during my days in this treatment center, I learned more about life and the flip side of what i was exposed to.)

 

A drug addiction can leave you with a feeling of emptiness.  It can make you feel like you have no direction in your life or even completely lost.  I had no idea how much i was missing out on an almost perfect, ideal life.  While i was in the midst of my own little world, there were many things taking place in the world... i was told that there my light was on, but no one was home.  I was grateful for that someone that brought it to my attention.  I was so wrapped up in my own little world that I missed out on reality.  During this time US Airways flight 1549 lands in the Hudson River, the first death from the Swine flu, and Aretha Franklin sang at the Presidental Inauguration.  General Motors files for bankrupsting, unemployent reaches 9.5%, Brett Favre retires from the New York Jets, Rascal Flatts wins ACM award for the 8th year in a row.  Los Angles Dodgers defeat San Diego Padres 4-1, Steele's beat Cardinals 27-23 to win the Super bowl XL111,  Obama is the 44th  US President, and tickets for Taylor Swift's concert in LA sold out in 2 minutes.  So,  these things didnt matter to me, I was in a fog, wrapped up in my addiction. trying to figure out how i could stop.


It was time to stop...I tried and tried with no luck.  Finally I checked myself into a recovery treatment center.  I had no clue what i was getting myself into!  Yet, this treatment center had a huge part of saving my life.  I will never forget the counslors, all of the staff and the family nites and days and with everyone wishing me well.  I  learned probably more in 30 days than i learned in life!  The treatment center is so not a Bette Ford.  We cleaned, cooked,  talked, opened up in order to get some stuff off our sholders.  At first, I didn't feel  a part of....yet within days, many relationships were formed and I knew I was right where I needed to be.  Many of us still see or talk to each other.  It's amazing to see so many of us have stayed strong and drug free.  No doubt a support group, a sponser, stepwork and NA or AA meetings can make a huge difference

There comes a point in life when substance abuse users wake up and realize enough is enough.  It seems that if a person wants recovery they have to desire and go after clean time.  When people are forced to go, it seems their heart and desire isnt  in the right spot,

So today, i am grateful to say i now have 4 years clean. Has it been a difficult 4 years?  Yes, there has even been days that i have had to Let go and Let God. 

 

 The passion i have for recovery, hopefully i will have some opportunities to share my hope, strenghts

 and experiences with others. I took a leap of faith last year and decided to apply to UOP to thier substance abuse program.....completed ... 4 long very busy days per week.  A huge accomplishment for me, it has been 30 years since I went to school...had  almost 4.0 GPA,   then came B+ and
another B+... rest A's.....Oh well, i can say i gave it 110% and I completed the progam. 4 years later to the day, i am able to still say."my name is Sherri F. and i am a grateful recovering addict"

I pray that you now know alittle more about me, or you feel comfortable in admitting you have a problem and you want/need help  You deserve so much in life. And please remember that God won't bring you to it, without helping you through it.


because of His AMAZING GRACE....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



WHAT'S HEAVY ON MY HEART...

I can't figure out where the time goes... I wish there were more hours in the day.  There is so much I want to do.  And yes, i know there is difference between things that I have to do, and things that I want to do!  The want to do's don't win over the have to do's very often!

 

life has been throwing some curve balls at me recently, sometimes  I swing and completely miss, sometimes the curve ball is to low and i try to just watch that go right by me, and other times the ball is too high, even over my head, so I try to just let it be... then there is the pop fly and i'm out, or the foul ball and i get to try again, the forced walk, I'll take it even tho sometimes thats the easy way out...I really like the feeling when I totally connect and it's a homerun, better yet a grand-slam!

 

I have realized that my brain doesnt shut off very often, lots of thoughts running thru it....and as i have those thoughts, i love having a pencil on hand, i try to jot them down in my "have faith in God" journel and also make a mental note of it.  It's been said and i have personally experienced the magic is in the pen...writing is very soothing and theraputic for me.. for my soul. Tonite or this morning being its 2;24 a.m., i should be putting this computer down and try to get few hours of sleep, yet the mind and heart are two powerful devices... just blogged and posted "A TRUE FRIEND".(which i left 99% of my friends out, not on purpose tho..Steve Y. i love you most). and i feel like i could keep writing... especially my Dear Dialysis thoughts, my journey at UOP, frustrated in life, if so, change your focus, the mightly mighty ocean and all its beauty, a lost art of being kind and honest with others, along with figuring out that this world we live in would be much better if we talked to each other instead of talking about each other.  My addiction and recovery at times is a challenge to open up and share with others, yet i do and will continue to do so... i just seem to have this wall around me and try to keep most an arms lenght away, with the fear and personal experience, when someone turns and walks the other way, and they don't tell you the truth, they cant come clean..hummm yet honesty was agreement #2, and if any friendship or relationship is gonna work, you have to agree to disagree.  On a happy go-lucky note...cant wait to blog about the candy man can, brand new pair of roallarskates and i got a brand new key, funny face i love you, and Miranda Lamberts airstream song, lil miss Viana's (my granddaughters) 8th birthday this weekend, and something i am already getting nervous about, why, i dont know, but i can feel anxiety already coming on, it hasppens every year this time...With God's blessing and comforting hand, in less than 24 hours, it will be an amazing, yet challening  4 years clean.  Praise God, cuz without Him and my family and friends, i couldnt of done it on my own. I know and strongly believe that what i cant do for myself, God will, and also i believe that God won't bring you to it, without helping you it. I love the Bible verse Phil 4:13..All things are possible thru Christ.

 

So, it's not good-bye...it's until we meet again..all because of His AMAZING GRACE..



A REAL FRIEND.......

A real friend is very hard to find....difficult to leave and impossible to forget.t.

 

 

True friendships are something I hold dear to my heart. A true friend can look at you and know what to say, when you need a hug, and when to make you laugh. They just know.  A true friend knows when they should back off and give you some time- but doesn't because they know you need them, you just don't know it.  A true friend will be honest-always-even when you don't want to hear it. They will be waiting to hold you when you cry, pick you up when you fall.  True friends are not people you find often, and once you do find one, they are hard to replace. True friends never take each other for granted and they never say things that are not from the heart. Anyone that truly knows me, knows how much I value the trueness of the words  "I LOVE YOU", I also value the word "FRIEND"  I never use either lightly.

 

 

A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things  you can be. So many of us confuse True friendships with acquantances.  Yet good friends care for each other, close friends understand each other, but TRUE FRIENDS stay forever...beyond words, beyond distance, beyond time.  A true friend doesnt care  if you are broke, what you weigh, if your house is a mess, what you drive or about your past.  What's really cool is your conversations pick up where they left off, even if its been months or years. They love you for who you are.

 

 

In 2008, i learned a lot about friends.  I learned that a friend is someone I trust to be with me when I am at my weakest and most vulnerable.  and they are people who, no matter how painful it is to see, are willing to be with me when I am helpless and weak.  If I sould trust my life with you, and vice versa, we are friends. It's  not about whether you are trustworthy, or whether you are friendly, it's the actual act of trust that is the basis of friendship

 

I kinda see friendship as not a state of mind, it's an act.  It's something you do, it's not about whether you're good or not, it's not a reflection of you, it's a balanced relationship between two people.  Yet, it doesn't mean it's always balanced at every moment.  Sometimes you "need a friend" and other times it's the other way.  It's a trust thats returned

 

 

It is amazing to me.... i am honored and grateful for the people and true friends and family that are in my life.  Being that I was born in manteca, went from kindergarden to Senior year here, and work in a large dental office, it never fails i come across people/friends daily.  Talk about kindergarden...some of my very first classmates and friends i met 45 years ago.  Take Brenda for instance...our friendship began at age 5 years and 45 years later still great friends, we work together also, and I am so blessed to have her in my life, God knew what He was doing!  Then there is Cindi... another childhood and current friend whom I am honored to call "friend".  Though we both have busy lifes, work, family and social functions, we still find time to catch up at least once a year!  A true friend she is,  and i know no matter what, nothing will pull us apart.  we have been through weddings, babies, divorces, and death. No doubt, a lifetime friend/  It's crazy how we can have deep, deep talks, religion, politics, (which I know nothing about!), love and death, you name it. Lori Holifield, amazing the things we've been thru together

 

Friendship is a never ending circle... anyone who's been through trying times in their life, knows that some people will be there for you, some won't.  Some were tthere before, some werent.  some will be there after the trouble passes, some won't ......

 

Childhood friends, high school friends, adult friends, work friends, church friends, friends of

friends......each friend has a place in your life, maybe just for a short time, maybe for life. 

 

Once i get started with names and memories of my preciosu friends, the list will be ever so long...yet i cant help but to mention a few!  Lisa Brown, such a role model and inspiration to me, Angela Cardoza, such a happy soul,  lesley Henry, hope, cheryl, Ilah turner, terry wilson, barbara betti, kimmie whitcotton, ann souza, Missouri friends, david and paula rutter, marilyn, ron and jody hepwoth,  theres my friends in recovery, david N, Holland, Jana, , mario, karen, gabriel, anita, melia,Will, .  There are those that you learn so much from, look up to and so easy to share your life with,  there's Lou and tina ( my only 2 sponsors)  john, annie, and of coarse mike, renee, bea, greg and mona, and 2 of my biggest fans, my mom and daddy.

I asked myself... if you can make one statement about true friends what would it be?  As i thought about it, it was very simple..not quite as simple as 1234."Sometimes you say it best when you say nothing at all... "  Just knowing they are there is soul soothing and  reassuring...


Because of His AMAZING GRACE....

 



I THINK I LOVE YOU...SO WHAT AM I SO AFRAID OF?

OK... remember i told you when I have a phrase or a song on my mind or heart, its stays there untill i do something with it, or write about it.  and of coarse I have David Cassidy and the Partridge family theme song stuck in my mind!

 

I think I love you

so what am I so afraid of?

I'm afraid I'm not sure of

a love there is no cure for

 

I think I love you

Isn't that what life is made of?

Though it worries me to say

that I've never felt this one before

 

I don't know what I am up against

I don't know what its all about

I got so much to think about

 

Believe me, you don't have to worry

I only want to make you happy

and if you say "hey go away" I will.
But I think better still
I'd better stay around and love you
Do you think I have a case?
let me ask you to your face

Do you think you love me?
nevermind..
yet i think and know I love you

1970 single by The Partridge Family featuring Daid Cassidy.  The song was released at the same time as the debut of the network television sitcome "The Partridge Family"  The song hit number one on the U.S. Billboard pop single. 

Now that you know the song I have stuck in my mind...

hey there... it's still me... I want to redirect this little jingle in another direction.  I'm in love with life, and people and places and things.  Let me rephrase that:  I love life and people and things.  Lots of people throw the phrase around to often.  It is 2 different things you know.  I am fascinated with the world around me.  I think things are so much better when you take the time to appreciate them.  I love music of all sorts, and i just got started so i might as well continue on for a bit of things i love:
a beating heart, lazy days in jammies, baking cupcakes and someone licking the beaters, lots of Christmas lights, the smell of fresh cut grass and  the smell of a baby with powder on, birds chirping, fresh sheets that smell like dryer sheets, talking around a campfire, the way spare change adds up, yatzee and battleship, hockey games, cotton candy, making duck lips in photos just to be silly, carbs carbs and carbs, forehead kisses, vanilla scented lipgloss, making a fort out of blankets and boxes, a pedi-cure, chips and salsa, whn someone notices one of my many quirks and still is ok with me, sushi, starbucks, fulfilled promises, ocean air, starfish, lots of pillows, doing for others, sharing a smile, praying, coloring with new crayons, blowing bubbles, face-timing, simple as 1234, Hope Floats, Joyful Noise, worshiping the Lord, raymond and big bang theory, parenthood, sunsets, airport arrivals, the dollar store, the goodwill store, the smell of coffee, hearing chickens cluck, flavors of gum, the words "I'm sorry", buying the right card and receiving the right card, a hot tub, rootbeer floats, road trips, knowing what I want, filling Christmas stockings, sunrise, a manuel about you, rufle chips and french onion dip, diet pepsi, the feeling of soft hair without gel or hairspray: running my fingers thru it, when someone loves my cooking, the words I love you, the voice and american idol, butterflies and fireflies, swings, a slide, watching clouds, family, health, kids, every breathe, recovery, 12 steps, hope, avacodos, New York, taking pictures, watching corn grow, wild flowers in a metal can as a vase, church, old hymns, talking with God, the feeling of trust, crocheting, blogging, thanksgiving, hiding easter eggs, tacos, a light house horn, sound of waves crashing, flags, the color blue, purple, pink,  and a new puppy, a cross, my tatoo, Elvis presley, Johnny Cash, Kid Rock, old friends, new friends,  sharing my story to maybe show someone there is a life outside of addiction, playing hide and seek, the words Ollie Ollie Auction free, flowers, gardening, disney movies,  oh my goodness someone stop me..... but there is so much more,  goodnite kisses ...ok, ok...I'm stopping for now..... I'm pretty sure my list would be never ending!  oh and I think I love you!

 

 

I

WE ALL FALL DOWN.....

 

Gosh darn-it.... when I get a phrase in my mind, I can't get it out, until I write about it, it seems!  Yes, for some reason I have "WE ALL FALL DOWN" in my head, and the Partridge Family song, "I THINK I LOVE YOU"

 

 

So here it is.... "WE ALL FALL DOWN".....

 

 

Strangely enough the song "London Bridge is falling down, falling down, my fair lady" is one of the first things that come to my mind when i hear "we all fall down". Complete visuals of when I was a kid, 2 people facing each other, connecting hand, making a high arch or bridge and another kid tries to go under it  without the bridge falling down on them... why, i ask myself?  no clue why that  comes to mind... along with "RING AROUND THE ROSIE"..pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, all fall down!. Until tonight, I had no clue what this song meant... in the very old days, there was a virus going around called Bubonic and many died ( all fall down) and then cremated ( ashes, ashes)

 

Another song that is called "ALL FALL DOWN" by Aerosmith....

 

When your heart is breakin

when your faith has been shakin

when the road you're takin

takes you nowhere at all.

 

when it all seems to all go wrong

remember nobody can always be strong

we all fall down.

 

I will catch you

never let you go

I won't let you go through it alone

so don't feel left out

we all fall down.

 

when your dreams are shattered

when you feel broken and battered

when every step on the ladder

takes you nowhere but down.

 

and you lose ground

like you can't hold on

 

Everyone breaks

you'll get hurt sometime in this life

you fly so high

you crash and burn sometimes

 

I want you to know,

your're not alone.

 

we all fall down

I will catch you

never let you go

i will lift you

high above the rain

I'll be with you

we all feel the pain

so dont feel left out

we all fall down.

 

 

Ever fell down on black ice?  I don't think I have, but yes physically fell down, it's not something i want to make a habit of.  Sometimes my wooden floors are so slick when i have socks on or coming in from the rain with wet shoes, the sensation of a slip, almost a fall, makes me tense up. Black ice is a reason many fall down.  The only fix is rock salt or even sand gives you alittle more traction. When you think about it, black ice lurks in all of our lifes.  I think we need to be gentle with ourselves.  We don't learn perfectly the first time.We can try to learn from others experience also. Nobody expects you to be perfect.  God allows us to fall now and then.  It's part of life.  Expecting perfection of yourself is as damaging as someone saying mean things about you.  Would you expect perfection from anybody else? I doubt it.  So why expect it from yourself? 

 

WE ALL FALL SHORT!!!!

 

My heart is sorta, kinda, very gently offering up some phrases I might use: " be kinder to yourself", "slow down and take some time to breathe, or don't forget to breath, or if something takes your breath away." or "figure out what you're really feeling."  Sometimes, even if I didn't fall down, I find myself crying, nothing is wrong like a death, sickness or major disappointment.  Nothing to warrent the unstoppable tears, but they have come with no explanation, but that is simply just ok.  Crying as a child is one of the easier things to do.  Crying as an adult it one of the most difficult, so it can be an act of bravery in its won right.  Especially when there is no horrendous thing to cause it.  It is sometimes just a cleansing we all need!  It's not healthly to keep those tears inside. By allowing yourself to give in to those tears from time to time is perfectly okay.  Some have a tendency to put on that brave face, the heart of steel facade and go through life.  But then one day, without rhyme or reason, the tear gates break and there starts the flood!

 

I know God has a plan for us.  Jeremiah 29:11 tells us "for I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Also in Romans 8:28 "and we know that all things work together for good, to those who love God."  realize that your life is not going to end or stagnate just because of a mistake of yours.  Probably the biggest lesson life teaches us to move on. (hard to do, right?).  Forgive yourself completely and look forward to the future which is always bright and full of hope. Living in the past will not give you an opportunity to time-travel to the bygone times and change things.  So lets disembark ourself from past mistakes and march forward.

 

Have you ever seen a small child learning to walk?  If you have, you know what a remarkable experience it is, even after a few steps and fall down, they still want to get up and do it again!  We all know how to do this, fall down and get back up.   Assuming we know how to walk which most of us are forunate enough to be able to.  We've all have gone through it many times as we move through the ups and downs of life.  the question isn't whether or not we'll fall down, the question is if we are bold enough to get back up again.  Too often, sadly, we fall down and then decide we can't get up.  Boldness is about have courage, willingness and committment to get back up when we fall down-even if we're scared or don't think we can. 

 

Sometimes, we feel as if everything is falling down on us, its a hard feeling to endure.  It's important for us to make peace with the fact that we will fall down many times through-out our journey.  However when we make a committment to ourselves to get back up, dust ourselves off, be real about how we feel and what happened and not let it stop us from being who we are adn going for what we want.

 

It's ok that we all fall down.... the only time you should be looking down on someone is when you are helping them up.

 

"Dance like nobody's watching, love like you've never been hurt (hard to do huh?), sing like nobody's listening and live likes its heaven on earth."

 

Because of His AMAZING GRACE.......



DEAR BLOGSPOT......NOT A DEAR JOHN LETTER

 

 

DEAR BLOG...... its been almost a year since you and I have been together.  This by all means is not a break-up letter or what do they call it, oh a "dear John letter"...never would I ever think of that, yet perhaps you would?  This is more like a couples therapy (except only I can talk-sorry).  but you and I both know that things havent been the same (familar story line, huh?)

 

You are important to me and I just want to be sure we can be saved.  but i think its important that all options are on the table.  So, here it is blog spot, you have taken on a reputation, even though I don't dare to try and describe it.  Maybe a little to bright in places (so, i like Dr. Suess and the game headbands) alittle wide open and trusting in other topics.. (my six-million dollar man, my little brown eyed girl, I hope you dance) and very emotional in others ( the death of my brother and my own personal hell of drug addiction and my forever recovery)

 

The one thing that is good about you/ us is that we've always been alittle all over the map... Kid rock and the Boss... gardening, my father-in-law, and my only brother-in-law, Thanksgiving, If you're happy and you know it.... actually, it's whatever catches my attention or is heavy on my heart or if i have the desire and passion.  I honestly think thats going to help us now.  I think though we've edited parts of ourselves out, we havent always demanded one tone.  We've never decided that we were a mommy blog or a humor blog or any certain kind of topic blog.  We give ourselves some room to move with our personal blog titled "AMAZING GRACE" ( have i told you i am getting my next tattoo on my right inner wrist with our title of "AMAZING GRACE"? what do you think? also another one on my left wrist with a butterfly which represents new life and the words "let it be")  Blogs like this don't tend to take over the world, especially when their authors can't be bothered to try and take over the world, particularly since I am so simple!  in fact, simple as 1234.. really i am!

 

Sometime i don't know how to post.  Some days I want to open up and share with the world, other times I keep my brick wall all around me and keep those on the outside an arms lenght away, as much as i dont want to-I do. I don't do well when i open up my heart and soul and someone comes in, leaves footprints on my heart then walks away, back to that dear john letter.

 

So, lets make a deal blog...let's just keep doing what we're doing cuz we seem to be doing fairly well....let's just take one day, one hour, one minute one blog at a time, and let others see inside us, and let them know "all things are possible with Jesus"

 

and remember.... because of His AMAZING GRACE.....

THE MAN IN BLACK....

 

Oh my goodness... where do i begin? and how do i show this man the justice he deserves?  When i analize and think too much, i make it harder to just let the words flow, so here I go....

 

One of the most influential musicians of the 20th century.  He was mostly known as a country music icon, his songs and sound spanned from rockabilly, rock-n-roll, blues, folk and gospel. He was known for his deep distinctive bass-barriton voice, for his rebelliousness, his somber and humble demeanor, for providing free concerts inside prison walls, his dark performing clothing, and his name The Man in Black.

 

He was born in 1932 and died in 2003, only four short months after his wife June Carter Cash died.  When he was born, his folks couldnt agree on a name, so they agreed on the intials J.R.  Later in life when he joined the service, he took on the name John.

 

This country music legend spent his early years on an Arkansas farm.  It was during the Great Depression era, and as time went by he takes an interest in music and eventually moves out of his Arkansas town to join the Air Force in Germany.  While there, he buys his first guitar and writes his own music and also proposes to his first wife Vivan.  Once home from Germany he gets married and he supports his family by being a salesman.  He discovers a man who can pursue his dreams and ends up getting a record with the boys.  He started touring, promoting his songs and meets the already famous and beatuiful June Carter.  Touring long term with Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins and June Carter.  During much of this time frame Johnny Cash is a drug addict. During his life he had been in many drug Rehab's, stay clean for a while and then right back at it.  During this time, his marriage fell apart. He went to jail 7 times just for misdemeanors, a single night only in jail each time.  As many people think he has been in prison, he hasnt, except to sing  and record several albums.  He wrote well over 1,000 songs and released dozens of albums.

 

some of his signature songs were "I walk the line",  "folsom prison blues", "Ring of Fire",  "Get Rhythm", "Don't take your guns to town", "One piece at a time",  " Boy named Sue" , "How highs the water mama? 5 feet high and rising".

 

Johnny Cash had a certain reputation, many never knowing many personal things about him.  He had a fear of flying and snakes, he made friends with everry US presidents from Nixon to Bill Clinton.  He was clostest to President Jimmy Carter, who was a very close friend and a distant relative to his wife.  During an interview with Larry King, he stated that his favorite country singer was Dwight Yoakam.  It's been said that he proposed to June Carter over 30 times before she finally said yes!

 

If you're a Johnny Cash fan like I am, you will surely know these famous bits and pieces of some of his lyrics...."But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die"

 

"When I was just a baby, my momma told me: son, always be a good boy, don't ever play with guns"

 

"I'm stuck in Folsom Prison and time keeps draggin on, but that trains keeps a rollin' on down to San Antone."

 

"And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when."

 

"Daddy sang bass, momma sang tenor, me and little brother join right in there, the circle won't be broken, by and by Lord, by and by."

 

I enjoy all his songs, yet his gospel songs hold a really special place in my heart.  i love when he sang "Why Me Lord?"  it goes like this.." Why me Lord? what have I ever done? to deserve even one of the blessings I've known. Why me Lord? what did I ever do that was worth love from you and the kindness you've shown.  Lord, help me Jesus, I've wasted it, so help me Jesus, my souls in your hand.  Maybe Lord, I could show someone eles what I've been through myself, on my way back to you."

 

He sings another gospel song called "Were you there?'  "were you there when they crucified my Lord? Were you there when they nailed Him to the tree?  Were you there when they laid Him in the tomb?  Were you there when they raised Him from the tomb?  Oh, sometimes, it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble."

 

One of my all-time-favoirte songs is "Amazing Grace"..The most powerful performances I've seen is by Carrie Underwood and Vince Gill, but Johnny Cash is right behind them with his rendition of Amazing Grace... how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.  I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see....."

 

One reason that inspired me to sit down and blog about Johnny Cash is I feel he was an amazing artist.  His talent was endless.  Also, during a shopping trip for Christmas gifts, I purchased one for me, and that was a puzzel, a double sided puzzel.   For some of us from the generation of albums, the cover's of the albums were more than just cardboard that protected the vinyl record inside- they were part of the whole experience.The 12x12 canvasas brought fans closer to the musicians and their sensibilities. The cover protrait gave the listeners an idea what they were about to hear.Pouring over the fronts and backs of the covers reading everry last credit and lyric, it became as important as absorbing the music itself.  Some even bought the record solely for their cover art.  Back to the puzzel.... a close-up of Johnny Cash during his live concert at Folsom Prison.  He had a lot of sympathy for prisoners. In fact one of the songs on the album "Greystone Chapel" was written by a prisoner.

 

Johnny Cash's last song was titled "Hurt".  It started like this: 

" I hurt myself today,

to see if i still feel

i focus on the pain

the only thing thats real

The needle tears a holoe

the old familar sting

try to kill it all away.

but i remember everything."

 

There are those who try to figure out the lyrics...some say it was Johnny at his lowest, he has had a rollar coaster life, drugs, break-ups, getting dumped by his record company.  Some say its about his last months looking back soon after the death of his wife, dwindling of his friends, he just doesnt want to go on anymore.  Some believe simply this is his way of saying goodbye to his painful life, as it was not easy. The point of it all is the tone... it hurts, its sad and he's coming to an end, but he would go back and do it all over simply to live his life and to perhaps have the chance to  correct wrongs done in the past..but he can't!

 

He is truly a legend in his time....

 

I hope you got to see the reason i have always liked the Man in Black....the admiration he deserves, and the lives he has touched.

 

Because of His AMAZING GRACE....

 

 

 

 

 

 



UNBEARABLE...YET....ENDURING

This year has come and gone really fast...things were somewhat different this year, my mom and daddy were not able to make the trip out here for Christmas, due to health issues, and along with a little bit of this and a little bit of that, Christmas just was i'll say different.

 

As I was taking the decorations down after I had unplugged the Christmas tree lights for the last time this year, I was thinking to myself, should I or should I not go to a few stores for after Christmas sales. Being so not a shopper or crowd person, I chose to just sit back for a few more minutes and enjoy and cherish some of the reminants of Christmas that were over-looked here and there. A nativity scene still stands covered with hay with Baby Jesus in the manger, this is a hard one to part with. There is even a tiny Reese's cup wrapper, that i forgot to throw it away (actually its, Viana's favorite candy, so by leaving the wrapper, its not laziness on my part, but to remind me of viana's favorite candy!)

 

Another Day after Christmas Holiday...It has been 3 weeks or so since I heard the news of Newtown, Connecticut.  It has never left my mind, I had sat down several times to write about these 26 innocent lifes that were so tragically taken.  I kept wanting to say something, to write something, or do something.  I kept thinking of the mothers who were planning funerals, while i was buying Christmas gifts.  There is something about such evil at Christmas that has made this year, this Christmas somewhat troubling.  Time after time, I kept staring at the laptop, trying to write, but the words just wouldnt come.

 

I did read these lyrics to a song called "Welcome to our world".  it says " Tears are falling, hearts are breaking, How we need to hear from God. You've been promised, we've been waiting..Welcome child"  It is at Christmas that we truly talk about peace.  We say it on Christmas cards, sing about it in church.  The tragedy in Newtown was a reminder that we still long for peace.  It is when the routine of our lifes are interupted with evil that we realize how much we need to hear from God.

 

According to the calender, (which reminds me, I need a new calender, my 2012 one is still on the month of December), Christmas is over.  Now is the time people begin to take down their decorations.  Some will leave them up until New Years day or even later.  We pack up our decorations, take the tree down, outside lights come down and boxes go back to storage.  Soon the stores will begin new displays for Valentines day, Santa will be replaced with pink hearts and red candy boxes.  Within days, you will barely see any sign of Christmas in our homes or in the stores.

 

Being a mother, my heart hurts for the mother in Newtown who didn't get to watch her child open Christmas gifts.  For that mother it isn't just the day after Christmas, it is the week after a funeral.  Today is another day she has to find the strength to put one foot in front of the other.  Tonight is another night she can't read Green Eggs and Ham one more time.  So, as I ask God to heal her heart, to wrap His arms around her and help her to get out of bed every morning.  Help her when the birthdays come and go, or when she smells playdough or sees barbies and Tonka Trucks and hot wheels.  Help her when she sees a child in  a store that is the age her child would have been.

 

I ask God to teach me something, teach me to slow down, to hug my kids and grandkids more. I pray for the town of Newtown, as they heal.  I pray that God will give them peace.  Even though the calender says Christmas has come and gone, I pray that all of us will keep the message of Christmas in our hearts long after the last string of light is packed away.  I have come across and read 2 very emotional poems that i want to share with you.

 

I didn't know your name, I never saw your face.  I never got to see you smile or get to watch you play.  I never got to walk with you or watch you board the bus.  I never got to know you, we were worlds apart, but on this tragic day, you've a place in my heart.  Your smile was robbed, your laughter stole away, but it is upon angels wings, you rest your head today.  We may never understand the evil, which struck your life today.... it goes on, yet, i can't see the words through the tears... give me a few minutes to gather my thoughts and words...

 

The Field Trip....

 

Please don't cry, we're ok, we went on a field trip today. A secret place where there's fun to be had. and the principle's with us, so we won't be bad.  It's full of toys and rainbows slides.  Cotton candy and high cloud rides. A funny zoo full of different things.  I even saw a man with wings.  We're not alone so don't you fear, we're chaperoned by Jesus here.It's really nice, so I think I'll stay. And hold your spot till your field trip day. I know Christmas is here and there's toys to be given, so please tell Santa that I'm in Heaven.

 

Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newton, Connecticut... a Nation mourns your loss, our thoughts and prayers to your families and your community ... may you rest in peace...Chase, josephine, Ana, Dawn, Mary, Benjamin, Catherine, Caroline, Noah, Charlotte, James, Grace, Victoria, Dylan, Emilie, Jessica, olivia, allison, lauren, Anne, Avielle, Jack, Daniel, Rachel, Madeline and nancy.

 

This has taken me almost a month to actually open my laptop and just start saying what i needed to say about this tradgic event, where innocent lifes were taken so suddenly and without reason or warning.  I have had many emotional conversations with others, sometimes we ask why, sometimes we just pray for some comfort, and at times we cry.  It does give me some peace knowing heaven is full of toys, rainbow slides.  It helps to know that Jack the spunky sports fanatic who loved the New York Giants, Daniel who all he wanted for Christmas was his 2 front teeth, Madeleine, so shy, yet sweet, unique, bright, sparkling , determined and a born leader, and Olivia, the Daisy Scout who would lead grace every evening at the dinner table, Emilie the oassionate artist, Noah loved to build things, Benjamin, the life of the party! Catherine loved all animals, Charlotte was sweet and spunky....

 

No matter how many times the raw sickning facts are repeated, they continue to give us chills, and cause  tears to flow. 

 

Last week, I worked for another doctor, and I overheard a young lady's conversation with her dad and I was moved and decided to do this also.  In memory of the 26 lifes taken, to do 26 acts of kindness to others, people you know, or even strangers.  Just imagine if each of us did this, the world would be a nicer, sweeter place to live and full of kindness.

 

Because of His AMAZING GRACE



SUPER-STORMS....

 

Anytime I hear the word "STORM" I can't but help to think of these words that stay in my heart and soul: "Do not tell God how big your storm is, instead tell your storm how BIG your God is"

 

 

Over 7 years ago, i really felt God had lead me in a particular direction.  I do believe God shows up... all the time... In fact He never leaves.  He shows up in small ways and some time in BIG ways! With some emergency training, I was able to be a part of Red Cross's team.  I flew into Layfeette, Lousiana.  This was the second strongest hurricane recorded in the U.S. history. Katrina affected over 15 million people.  The final death toll was 1,836 people. 80% of New Orleans was under water. Unless you were present or saw the aftermath, the t.v. only portrays a minimal of the devastation. Strangers became friends., There was an instant special bond among us Red Cross volunteers. There were so many people who lost everything they ever owned.  There were shelters among shelters that were overflowing with people, that simply just had what was on their back, no pictures, no money, no identifacation, no food, but their house was flooded or swept away. Many didn't even have their medications that they needed so desparatley.  There were some folk who couldn't find their loved ones, separated in all the chaos. Some even got word their own family's lifes were tragically taken  We did the best we could with what we had.  Sadly enough, within just a few days later, another Hurricane was on her way, every shelter was now to be evacuated! Yet time was running out, My shelter were all up and ready to go at 4 am.  Headed to higher ground.  The roads were bumper to bumper stopped cars and no gas to be had.  Completely speechless with what was coming our way.  You do what you have to do though... try not to panic, stay calm but move fast.....so much took place.  After this hurricane, things calmed down some, it just meant more people in the shelters, more food to try to find to feed everyone, keeping people calm.  Finally, the local and state police and fireman and the National Guard were all involved.  The friendships made, and the love and kind words shared will last me a lifetime.  I could list hundreds of more things and memories that happened down there, from people I met, to hundreds of endless tasks i did, even without thinking, but I will leave it at that....God's plans will always prevail, and I pray that I will continue to see His grace and mercy in my everyday life.


Courage in Chaos


This hits home again and talks to my heart heavily.  In October, 2012, Sandy was at it this time. During the night of October 29th, the 900 mile wide storm, the largest ever recorded in the Atlantic, flooded tunnels, airport runways, dirupted power, started fires and swept away anything in its path, even 2 little boys as their frantic mother tried to save them. 

It takes courage even in all the chaos.  Facing homelessness, fear and loss of family and friends, people were grateful and held together in their communities.

The storm claimed the lives of at least 110 people, fathers and sons, childhood friends, young children, the elderly, Sandy did not discriminate, when she hit land, the surge struck, it hit with mind-boggling speed and force, throwing up a terrifying wall of water that proved ruthlessly destructive.


One thing that touches my heart and moves me in the most emotional and sentimental way is, My daughter Renee has a huge heart and couldnt just watch all this devastation on tv.  She also had decided she wanted and needed to help in any where she could.  She contacted Red Cross and took all the neccessary training and is ready to help in anyway she can...

So, it goes back to the beginning of my blog: "DON'T TELL GOD HOW BIG YOUR STORM IS....TELL YOUR STORM HOW BIG YOUR GOD IS!"


because of His Amazing Grace.....

ENTER TO WORSHIP....

 

Jesus is the reason for the season...

I know I am lagging, Christmas has come and gone and i didnt blog like I wanted to.  Each and every day i said at the beginning of the day...today is it...today will be the day I blog!  well, here i am, January 6th, 2013.


What Christmas means to me....


Let's deck the halls with holly, fill the tree with tinsel, and pretty pretty lights, go to sleep and wake up just before daylight.  I love to see the excitement of looking in the sky for Rudolph, leaving Santa milk and cookies along with a note.  I love all the Christmas lights, singing Christmas carols, hearing Frosty the Snowman, watching when people are under misletoe, smelling sugar cookies in the oven, filling the stockings hung by the fireplace, and when kids say " all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth", having a white christmas, watching a Christmas play at church, and watching Christmas specials on TV. Christmas means a lot of things, it means presents, clothes and diamond rings.  it means giving from the very start, giving from deep within the heart. It means the end of another year.  It is happiness and love to share, a special time to show each other we care.  To join our love ones in a Christmas celebration.  It is for love of friends and family, peace joy and happiness.  The best gift of all doesn't glitter or sparkle, it not wrapped in ribbon or paper, it doesnt cost a thing, the best gift at all comes from the heart... it doesnt come from the store....it is the gift of baby Jesus, and the gift thats in our heart, sharing with others.

It is Christmas in the heart, that puts Chrsitmas in the air. Faith makes all things possible, hope makes all things work, love makes all things beautiful!

I love that the star the shepherds saw that night, that lit the way for them.  It still shines to all guide all those who seek the Light of Bethlehem

This past Christmas was special in its own ways... my niece Emily and her husband ariel were able to fly home to be with us, ( and her friends had planned a baby shower for her), Mike and his family and renee were all able to be in Missouri with my parents  (just prior to christmas)... there isnt a better gift than having them all together.. ( my mom and dad were not able to make the trip out here this year, which just doesn't seem right!)  One thing i was able and blessed to be a part of is 2 different church services.  The first one i attended was in Stockton, it is called Progessive Community.  My last instructer at UOP that taught a belief, cultural and ethic class is actually one of the pastors there.  Much to my surprise, it wasnt just a small little community church how i invisioned.  Not exactly in the best part of Stockton, yet once in their parking lot, they actually had people on covered golf carts giving folks a ride up to the church.  Just a guess, I'll say there were at least 500 people there. The most welcoming and friendly people I have ever met!  The church was absolutley beautiful inside.... talk about people wearing their Sunday best, 3 piece suits, the ladies with hats and gloves, a choir up front that KNOWS how to worship!  I felt like i was in a movie, maybe Sister Act or Joyful Noise! Made you want to get up and dance and clap and play the tamberine, raise your hands and shout.  In fact, we had that opportunity with "go tell it on the mountain, over the hills and everywhere, go tell it on the mountain that Jesus Christ is born!" along with "Silent Night, holy night, All is calm, all is bright, round your virgin mother and child.  Holy infant so tender and mild, sleep in heavenly peace!"

Now, my 2nd church service was another new opportunity for me.  I have been in this church for a wedding, for several funerals, but this time was for a worship service.. I was honored and more than touched that i was invited by the Pimentel family.  I was very comfortable being that I am not Catholic.  The worship service was so moving... I could feel the presence of the Lord all around. I thorughly enjoyed hearing and saying to others "Peace be with you"

I believe I was truly shown a very clear purpose:

*Worship God

*Communicate God's Word

*Demonstrate God's Word


I pray that Peace will be with you, you love one another, and you open your heart and let God in, He tenderly knocks and He will never forsake or leave you...

Just remember... "ENTER TO WORSHIP...DEPART TO SERVE"


Because

OF HIS AMAZING GRACE...

BUTTERFLY MIRACLES....

My life has taken some extreme twists and turns.... i am one that tries to go with the flow...try my hardest to not give into my anxiety and all that goes along with it.

 

In the last seven years or so, My one and only brother-in-law Steve, his life was taken at the young age of 48,  life hasnt been the same without him, I know he looking down anxiously awaiting the birth of his first grandson Gabriel Stephen.  A mere one year later my father-in-law was taken home to meet his Maker.  Oh, how he is missed by everyone who knew him!  A little over four years ago, my brother Jeff also left his earthly home to his eternal home.  This day was horrific for me...when i got the call, my heart was beating fast, trying to take a deep breath, i couldn't take any more, i fell into the kitchen sick, cold water over my face and hair, trying to breathe, I couldn't breathe, it was that instant, this couldn't be true, please God, dont let it be true, my heart was broke literally.  As hard as i try to just remember the good times,  that day is an image stamped on my heart......

 

3 months later I was very foruntate to be able to address my addiction....another huge twist and turn in my life...yet with the help of my God, family, friends, and support group, i will be celebrating 4 years this month.

There are times I cant talk about this and times that I need to, yet times I cant.  I have only shared my most inner feelings and thoughts with few. 
The word INTIMATE..." into me I let you see".  I have let one see into me, until today...  So, here it is, into me i am letting you see.

 

For almost the past 4 years, i have just been existing, going though the motions and asking God why?

I don't think God gave me a straight up answer...yet HE has walked beside me, or carried me at times when I didnt feel like I could go on . Recently, i have been shown I need to do more than exist and just go through the motions, life is just to short.. thank you for that!  I have been reassured that where jeff went to on the far side of the sky, the first thing he was mostly likely to do  is spread his wings and fly.  Tell me Jeff, "is there only

happy tears in heaven ?   are the roads paved in gold.?  Do the angels sing as beautifully as we're told? Have you fished with pa-pa yet? met up with Nora?   I know Jeff you got to where you were goin', and you saw your Maker's face, stand forever in the light of His amazing grace.  So glad you we will all be able to shed our sins and struggles, that we have carried all these years...we can leave our hearts wide open, we will love and have no fear.

 

 

As time goes on, everyone says it will get easier... I'm still waiting for that time.  I have to say i have prayed and asked God for some signs that I will be ok.  One thing God has sent to be is "the butterfly".   One day a butterfly flew by me, and another day when i went out to my car, a butterly was taking a break on my front window, then she started to flutter around me.. I thought to myself , why little butterfly,, why did you pick my car to land on?   You come into this world as a cocoon all by yourself and blossom into this beatuiful butterfly and fly off to see the world.  I know this little butterfly didnt even realize as she flutters through the days,  how she touches those around her,  in her soft and gentle way.  She fluttered her wings towards me as if she was waving goodbye, as she headed towards the horizon.  She looked very happy and content (happy and happy as Lex would say) as she went on her way, as if to say to me "don't worry,you'll be ok".  I was sad to see her go, for she has touched my heart in such a way that I knew my life would never be the same, she had left an imprint of all the beauty life has to offer.  I knew each time i looked at another butterfly or horizon, I would remember our moment in time when it was only her and I.  I knew I would be a better person all because this little butterfly rested on my windshield and flew by me one bright sunny day. 

 

Each day when i wear one of my butterfly hair pins, a butterfly necklace or a butterfly pin, tears may stream down my face at times.  As I ponder the incident with the butterly, I realize I have to let Jeff go, not forget, but refuse to cling to what might have been.  The butterfly became my symbol.  Little by little I am accepting my brothers departure from my life, but not forgetting what we shared.  The awful pain and emptiness has declined slightly as i persist in enjoying the memories of all the time we had together, not dwelling on the times we'd never have.  As my journey continues, the butterfly reminds me the new life that awaits me.  But when will that lingering ache in my chest depart?  Four years have passed.  I believe that as long as I live the ache will remain, yet when that butterly fluttered around me and towards me, as if heaven sent.  In the end, when Jeff's heart stopped beating, but his wonderful spirit remained, the deep, painful cavity inside me screamed for relief.  How I and others longed for a part of Jeff to keep near.  His starbucks card with Ray Charles on it, his Bruce Springsteen ticket stubs, his love of gardening and music, these possessions have provided little comfort, and at times more pain.  But, the butterfly held the promise of his continued presence with me.  His life changed, like the caterpillar to the butterfly.  He was no longer bound by ill health and earthly trials.  The butterfly reminded me of this truth.  The miracle of the butterfly reminds me of this truth and soothes my grieving heart.  Do I miss him? Yes.  Is there sadness or a tear now and then?  Yes.  But there is a difference.  The sadness no longer steals the joy away.  Now when i wear one of my beautiful butterfly's, it is a symbol of victory over death and a new life, not just for Jeff but for me as well

I know Jeff wouldnt want me to just exist and go through the motions of everyday life....i came across this reading that  I believe is what my brother is saying to me:

"As I sit in heaven, and watch you everyday. I try to let you know with signs I never went away. I hear you when you are laughing, and watch you as you sleep.  I even place my arms around you to calm you as you weep.  I see you wish the days away, begging to have me home. So I try to send you signs, so you know you are not alone.  Don't feel guility that you have life that was denied to me.  Heaven is truly beautiful, just you wait and see.  So live your life, laugh again, enjoy yourself, be free.  Then I know with every breath you take, you'll be taking one for me."

Ok....  i pray that these words may be soothing to you or for others if you choose to share with others. 

I have been given reasons and i'm extremely grateful...friendship, everlasting love, care, truth and promises have let me smile, laugh, and walk with my chin up, and realize God needed jeff more than I did... So, until we meet up again...

because of HIS Amazing love.....