Not even sure where to start...what i need to say, how i'm feeling, what i really want to say, yet with nothing but utmost respect... maybe just a quick prayer for God to have his hand in this.
It's never easy to speak on anyone eles's account or to share whats on my heart as if they were able to be here and speak for themselves. So, I apoligize ahead of time if i am all over the map here.....just trying to make sense of this.
In less than 24 hours, I will be seeing and feeling some anger, some sadness, some why's, some how's, some tears, some memories... yet, some what-if's....
What-if... i was more persistant in texting Casey, that when he didnt respond on Oct 3rd, why didn't I try again? That's one of the things im struggling with...what-if. The first time I saw Casey, his light skin, light red hair, bright blue eyes, a contagious smile... there was just something about this young man.... We had mutal friends.... wasnt long and Casey was in the mix of grateful recoving addicts and our support group. This was a God thing... he brought so many smiles and laughter to Renee. I will never forget when he told me.."I'm really shy and quiet, but since your Renee is too, I will step up to the plate! She is worth it!"
As time went on.... more will be shared...
For now, I'm gonna share whats on my heart and hopefully not just me, but hopefully you and you and you will understand even just alittle about who we are (addicts)...how we think, and what we truly want...
PLEASE....
I want to introduce myself to you.....you think you know me, but you really don't. i would like to use this time to introduce the real me to you, so maybe you can gain a better understanding of why I am the way I am, why I do the things I do, and why I've done some of the things I've done.
First of all, you have to accespt the fact that I think differently than you do. Some of this will make sense to you and some of this will sound like excuses you have heard before. Please hear me on this one...like all kids when I was really young, I used to think there was a monster in my closet and under the bed, and you would come into my room and reassure me that there wasn't one by opening the closet and looking under the bed. Now that I am older, you can't convince me of that anymore. But since I do what I do, I've come to the realization that there is a monster: but it's not in my closet or under the bed, but inside of me and that if I can't learn to ignore it, it will destroy me...I know that.
I've been to a treatment center and meetings to know the readings by heart and one of the phases that jumps out at me everytime i hear it, is "when we use drugs we are slowing committing suicide"
let me ask you..." when you hear the word addiction, what comes to your mind?" possibly a crack house full of people lying on the floor. What do you think when you hear rehab and recovery? Do you think its just another tabloid story about some movie star that has more money than they know what to do with.
Not exactly sure where i am going with this... but you didn't think it was possible that your loved one could become an addict, did you? You're probably like the majority of society believing that an addict is weak, a lost soul, in jail, living on the streets. So you think you know what an addict looks like, how they act, their behavior. You didn't see that in your loved one did you? You didn't ever imagine you would get that phone call or that your life completely changes. How could this happen? How could he be gone? He didnt look like a drug addict,. He was an adult, too smart for that, Berkley grad, teaching credintials, dreams, goals, so how does a 32 year old young adult get
such a terrible disease...you didnt see it, you trusted him, believed in him, yet thats when you really learned the truth about addicts.....
It knows no boundaries, doesnt discriminate...rich, poor, young, old, educated professional, it doesnt matter....
a few words from me (sherri) to you (addiction)
damn-it...drug addiction.... how is it possible that Casey's life was stolen by you??? He loved life, had plans and dreams..had a loving and supportive family and friends... Yet you (addiction) was chosen over family and freinds. and you (addiction) unraveled everything Casey was. He risked his life for you...You (addiction) are the devil, I was afraid you were gonna win.. you are manipulative and uncaring. You wanted him to die and that's exactly what happened. You got into his veins, his heart, his mind and soul and his every being. I really despize you, I try to never use the word HATE, but I feel it is appropitate right now....I hate you, because you took his life and destroyed other lifes.
(still more words to the addiction)
I know you like watching everyone suffer because you are the devil...you like to watch everyone cry. Casey truly isn't yours..it was his mother who carried him for 9 months, she walked the floors with him, and who picked him up when he fell down and who kissed his boo-boo's when he got hurt... it sure wasn't you ( addiction). It is you he listens to, it is you calling his name and runs to you. You have no rights to stroll into his life and completely turn his world upside down. I hate you, i really do.
Happy days... Happy Birthday Casey...I know you enjoyed this day that you spent with Nae-Nae... she wanted it be perfect, it was your day. She wanted to ride the gondola to the top of Tahoe's mountian with you, enjoying the view, the snow, enjoying and getting to know more about each other. Then pizza after at her grandma's house, helping her pack her belongings for her move the next day, meeting nae's dad, trying to reassure Nae, it was gonna be ok, those 375 miles would not come between you two. Thank you Casey for caring about Renee, for making her smile and giggle, thank you Casey for being the respectful, polite, happy go lucky, sincere, honest and loving gentleman.
I have to tell on Renee....i din't know Casey's last name, and Renee thought she knew it.... every text, at the bottom of Casey's text message..this was his signature...K.C. Masterpiece.....so yes she thought for sure his last name was Masterpiece! it's crazy, that Nae-Nae has kept all texts messages from him. I have afew...June14th, 2012, the last time i recieved one from him...I will share it with you..
CASEY..."hey how r u? I am doing well, i am actually graduating tonight from New Hope. How r u? How have you been? How is Nae-Nae?
Renee...I'm sorry, I really didnt think the drug was actually stronger than Casey, I know you are completely aware of the life of an addict. It is sad to say, but I've heard it over and over..."someone (an addict) has to die, so others can live.
Casey, I know you didnt mean to go away like this, I know you had dreams, goals, and truly enjoyed life. It is beyond me what happened,... hey casey, can you find my brother Jeff. I had a talk with my brother and he will be looking out for you, he is a great guy, and then my brother in law Steve , my father in-law Elliot is there too...... I told them all abottt you,
And please understand that your presence is a present to the world. You are unique and one of a kind...you are loved more than you know... until we meet aagain
because of His AMAZING GRACE...
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