Mom, you are my everything.....I can't begin to tell you how much I love you. But, I want to try .....no matter, the words I pick out, I know in my heart you already know.
When many think of the word mother, some words such as "floormopper, grocery shopper, easy baker, casserole maker, laundry washer, bug squasher, potty trainer, shirt destainer, hair curler, house cleaner, shoulder leaner, gift buyer, money lender, sunblock rubber, face scrubber, prayer sayer, old maid player and so much more! yes, those words are all fitting for you, but i have so many more that are perfect, they are you.....
When many think of the word mother, some words such as "floormopper, grocery shopper, easy baker, casserole maker, laundry washer, bug squasher, potty trainer, shirt destainer, hair curler, house cleaner, shoulder leaner, gift buyer, money lender, sunblock rubber, face scrubber, prayer sayer, old maid player and so much more! yes, those words are all fitting for you, but i have so many more that are perfect, they are you.....
I will be the first to admit that I am spoiled rotten, but I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do for me and how much you have given up to make my life as incredible as it is.
Sometimes, I secretly believe you are my superhero. I look back on how you were able to raise 2 kids, well 3 including dad (haha), work, the chores on the farm and keep it all together.
I remember you putting the pink sponge rollers in my hair, so I'd have beautiful curls ( just like I did some years later for Renee).
Well, I'll say it now....I will be jumping from here to there and back to here....I love to blog and to share my my intimate feelings, but I'm not a natural or good at it....all I can say is it comes from my heart and its true and sincere....there may be no rhyme or reason to it all , well there is reason to all of it, it just may not be in what do u call it? Not in yearly order, whatever that word is, chronological maybe?
You know, everyone has a story, and whenever I have the opportunity to share my story, whether for a large group of people or a small group, even if its to a patient or a friend or a stranger...you Mom, are a huge part of my story....from my childhood thru all almost (yes, I say almost) 50 years, YOU are one of my biggest fans. I'm honored and blessed all at once. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Thank you for :
Teaching me its ok not to be perfect
Teaching me that its ok to laugh at myself
Teaching me how to work hard
Teaching me to respect others
Teaching me to respect myself
Teaching me to love others
Teaching me to be more like Jesus
Teaching me how to pray
Teaching me to forgive
Teaching me responsibility
Teaching me to fess up, when u ruin ur boyfriends paint job on his car
Teaching me to be honest
Teaching me values
Teaching me to cook (but not sew, even tho u tried)
Teaching me to make butter from fresh cream
I'll stop there for a second, because there are many things you wanted to or tried to teach me, yet my mind was made up, "I'm never gonna make my clothes, ill get them at the mall, I don't need to learn to can, who does that anyways? I'm not gonna bake or cook, whoever I marry, I'll make him do that! I appreciate all that you do or did....it is TRULY a lost art these days....I only wish I could sew a button on, or hem my scrubs that I walk all over, what I'd give to be able to can homemade sketti sauce (as daddy spells it) or tomatoe juice, okra pickles my 3rd favorite, even though your salsa is too hot for me, i would just put one less jalapeño in it! The peppers, the peaches,,pears, strawberries, if it was cannable or freeze able, you did it, and i only wish I had that talent! I'm still watching, asking, and trying!
So back to things you taught or instilled in me. I have to give you a lot of credit...with daddy's
schedule of graveyard and swing shift, you had extra parenting duty. I'm pretty sure Jeff and I
pushed you to your limit a time or two! Yet, it seemed every time we did that, guess who would just drop by the house that evening in his police car.....yep our daddy! We learned real fast.... We learned not to giggle or make faces while the blessing was being asked before we ate. I learned real fast not to call Jeff a "dil-doe" at the dinner table or for that matter anywhere!
I learned patience from you, I don't think I have ever met anyone with the patience you have like Job in the Bible. I learned about admiration, I admired you for going to work, taking us to church, being a Boy Scout leader, a 4-H leader, room mother, you were always there to do whatever was needed. I learned that all bad actions have consequences, let me rephrase that....that every action had a consequence, but good actions and good consequences were our best choices. You dried my tears through break-ups and told me to have faith, mom,,your strength has always inspired me. Your prayers always kept me safe as I went my way and found my grown-up life at the young age of 17. I always knew I'd thank you someday for all the advise, morals, standards and prayers you've given me thru the years. I continue to compile a list of the most important things that you taught me so I can continue to thank you..
I can still hear some of these statements as if it was yesterday!
1. Don't touch your brother
2. Do you want to eat soap?
3. You'll understand when you get older!
4. Wait till your dad gets home!
5. Don't call anyone a "fool"
6. Don't cross your eyes, they will get stuck like that!
7. Eat your carrots , u will see better
8. Austin...don't hide another pea in her mashed potatoes!
9. I have my sources
10. A little birdie told me
11. Did you wash your hands?
12. Don't swear, it's not lady like
13. U can always add salt, you can't take it out
14. You'll understand when you have a child of your own
And I vowed to never say "I told you so" , because you never did...I finally get it...so THANK YOU!
I love more than anything to reminence about yours and daddy's dating days, army days, days you struggled 1000's miles away from home, your first Army friends whom are your best friends today, see, you taught me loyalty, and how important true friendships are. I love the story of you guys breaking into your piggy bank and buying a half gallon of ice cream and decks of canasta cards, which was one of the most priceless Christmas gifts I could of ever received .....those cards remain in my safe !
I'm grateful for the vacations we got to go on...Disneyland, the most magical place on earth, Yellowstone National Park, (and making me feel secure and safe with 1/2 dozen black bears surrounding our car., camping, roasting marshmallows, singing "koom-by-ya my Lord", counting the stars and praying a bat doesn't land in our hair and make a nest, everyone sharing their talent around the campfire...Daddy's moon dance and david Levesey singing "Dirty Lil", hiking around the lake, building sand castles.It also makes me think of the Alaskan cruise we took together, the driving trip in which we saw like 11 states in 10 days!
You, mom, have truly blessed me with a lifetime of precious knowledge. Because of you, I can make the best homemade burnt almond fudge, along with sketti, tacos, roast, mashed potatoes, cobblers , salmon patties and beans and cornbread.
You have also taught me honesty, integrity, and given me golden advise, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with. I am the next couponer and bargin shopper (dad will disagree, he says his cheap and my cheap are 2 different cheaps!). You taught me the value of a dollar, and that confidence comes from earning it on your own.
Mom, your lead has been one that I have followed all my life. Following your lead keeps me on the right path, keeps dangers at bay, assures we arrive at our destination safely and unharmed. You are truly my light and blessing, agian I want you to know how much I love you!
Christmas and thanksgiving are two of my favorite holidays....our tree sparkled with lights and glitter, you know those long foil things called?? cant remember, homemade ornaments and all the gifts under the tree. Christmas Eve traditons and looking for Santa flying his sleigh in that foggy night, listneing for the reindeer's hoofs, Yet, we always knew the true meaning ...Jesus's birthday and we never left that out to this day we know the reason for the season.
Growing up, did i ever think "why do I have to bring the boy over here before i can go on a date..why do you have to meet them?, thats not fair, you're not dating them I am" yet i now know that also is a lost art...its a respect thing, so thank you for that.
Once again I'm here there and everywhere, no order just type it as it comes to my mind....
You are not only the best mother, you are the best grandmother to Mike, Renee and Nick, and all the ones who have adopted you, and you them....Kim and Tom, Ann, Brenda, Barbara and the list goes on.
In October 2008, life changed not in a small way, but in a way that no parent ever deserves to go through. Yet again, the Lord has blessed you with an amazing amount of strenght. My heart ( all of our hearts) instantly broke and is still not completely whole again, which is my fault, I mean how can I expect God to repair my heart when I don't give Him all the pieces. apart of me died that October day....yet apart of me lived and still lives and I share the love and hope I have that Jeff would want me to pass on. I also share his story, his love of life, his love of family, of gardening, of adventure, of the son he was, the brother, father, husband and friend he was. You didnt deserve to lose Jeff, yet you have shared with me how at peace you are, knowing that jeff has met our Maker, knowing he is no longer in pain or suffering, Jeff inspires me, you and dad inspire me, greg and the kids inspire me...even something as little as "a butterfly" inspires me. a butterfly is a miracle, from a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly....that butterfly gives me hope, as i anxiously await to see all God has in His plans for me. Jeff will always live on in our lives..."why?" because he would want it that way, I know he is smiling down as we are planting all these flowers in his garden. Jeff was the reason I was able to have the strenght and passion to face my own demons. It wasn't easy....like you mom...its a journey that i will be on all my life yet it will have detours and bumps and rough areas, but God will straighten my path, and keep me headed in the right direction. I've shared with you before and I will tell you again, I wouldn't be where I am today, I would never of made it thru New Hope without recieving a card or more a day from you... your prayers, your 3 minute payphone daily calls, your finacial help, your kind, sincere words kept me going (along with greg, mona, the kids, Uncle Kenneth, all my friends and family that knew, and who put their hand out there for support, came to family days, tried to understand everything and loved me no matter what!) Even though it is 20 days, 3 months and 4 years, i still need and appreciate your help. Most of all, I am just grateful that you and dad have had an open mind, and have been willing to learn about this ugly disease and all its possible of....to know its not something we choose or want to have, but something i have to deal with forever and I know you know and have accepted my friends from New Hope and who i have met because of this disease...we truly are good people who have made bad choices....thank you for understanding that, and I'm so glad dad went to Celebrate Recovery with me.
As an adult, I made the decision to get a tattoo. I know how you feel about tattoos, yet nothing but nice words and the words "then your daddy says he's gonna get one just like you!" At least i can hide them if I need to or want to...."Let go and Let God with Mike's name and Nae's name, and yes I can hide it with shoes. My very first one.."Rest in Peace Brother" with a cross. Yes, one more in the works, yet it will be small and the words "Amazing Grace" have meant the world to me.
i mentioned to you about canning and cooking....i love looking thru your recipes that you have saved throughout the years. I cant help but smile when i see recipes on scratch paper, napkins, soiled cards, stained with milk or chocolate, i love your handwritten recipes dotted with your own words like add less sugar, leave the cloves out or best one so far! You have passed your ability and love of cooking and baking down to me, as I make many of your recipes for my family. It brings me back to a time of warmth and love that makes me feel close to you, even 2000 miles away.
Mom, i know you have always told me that I could be anything I wanted to be, if I work hard enough. You encouraged me and shaped me to be an over-acheiver. All I knew was that no matter what I did with my life, if I could be half the mother you are, I would be the most successful person in the world.
Mom, I have said it before, you are an angel on earth. If angels had more than one pair of wings, you would! You are a fighter, a survioir, and you know your job on earth is not complete. You have more people to love, more people to fix meals for, more people to pray for, more people to cry with, to laugh with, you have more people to share Jesus with, and all He is capable of. You have surviored ovaian cancer, breast cancer, lymphic cancer, and the latest of maligent melanoma. This most recent health issue with your back has taken you to the lowest I've ever seen you. I know you don't want help blow drying your hair, cutting up your meat, getting up out of a chair, getting in and out of bed, getting dressed. I know you want to plant your flowers and the rows and rows of tomatoes, okra, peppers, squash, green beans, beets, dill, cilantro, radishes, lettecue, vincas, wave petunas, potatoe vines, coleus, lantana, and hibiscus. I know you want to fill and hang hummingbird feeders. sometime, we have to Let go and let God. Let others help, there is nothing that brings me more joy then to see the happiness those little things bring you. Please, just let your friends, neighbors and chruch family help, they want to.
Sometimes, we dont always understand...yet, when most people would ask 'why me Lord" your attitude is like no one else's "why not me Lord?". Yet, the pain you are in is unfathable to most, yet you always say "tomorow will be a better day, and I'm gonna get better". Through all this, you know God has a plan...a plan just for you, and each day, He will reveal more and more of His plan.
but, please know its ok to cry, its ok to feel down, its ok to just want to feel better, and its ok to let others do for you for a change. You have beautiful neighbores, wonderful loving church family, our blood family is small, but family is family, and we get that. Some of the medical profession may not have great expectations, but we serve and worship and live for a very loving, kind, full of righteous and grace, and healing God....we keep the faith. I know how independent you have always been ( and I know exactly where I got mine), yet things have temporally changed, you see I said temporally...I know you want to do things on your own, and you will be able to again soon. This may sound a bit selfish...but I need you, actually all of us need you. After laying on your bed with you, watching the beautiful outdoors and knowing the hummingbird that came inches away from your face two days ago, we realized right then even the hummingbirds need you, they came to tell you...just one of God's gentle amazing reminders, that everything is going to be ok. You see, we will work hard, you will be able to walk better, we will get you to where you don't have pain with every move of a finger, brushing your teeth, socks and shoes, getting in and out of bed without help. This is a journey, that has had another slight detour, but before long will be back on the right path in the right direction. Thank you for giving your everything to this journey...the world deserves you! You have always told me how small things, little things in life will become the most treasured. It breaks my heart to see you in pain and wish I could take the pain away, to comfort you, as you have for so many countless times in my life.
You are my role model, my mentor, my lifesaver.....I am so grateful that the Lord gave me His very BEST!!!
I gave you this poem years ago, and I think you might need and want to hear it again....
"My mother kept a garden,
a garden of the heart.
You planted all the good things
that gave my lifes its start.
You turned me to the sunshine
and encouraged me to dream,
fostering and nuturing the
seeds of self esteem. And when the winds and rains came,
you protected me enough, but not too much
because you knew I needed to grow strong and tough.
Your constant good examples
always taught me right from wrong.
Markers for my pathway that will last a lifetime long.
I am my Mother's garden. I am your legacy and I hope
today you feel the love reflected back from me.
I love you Mom!
schedule of graveyard and swing shift, you had extra parenting duty. I'm pretty sure Jeff and I
pushed you to your limit a time or two! Yet, it seemed every time we did that, guess who would just drop by the house that evening in his police car.....yep our daddy! We learned real fast.... We learned not to giggle or make faces while the blessing was being asked before we ate. I learned real fast not to call Jeff a "dil-doe" at the dinner table or for that matter anywhere!
I learned patience from you, I don't think I have ever met anyone with the patience you have like Job in the Bible. I learned about admiration, I admired you for going to work, taking us to church, being a Boy Scout leader, a 4-H leader, room mother, you were always there to do whatever was needed. I learned that all bad actions have consequences, let me rephrase that....that every action had a consequence, but good actions and good consequences were our best choices. You dried my tears through break-ups and told me to have faith, mom,,your strength has always inspired me. Your prayers always kept me safe as I went my way and found my grown-up life at the young age of 17. I always knew I'd thank you someday for all the advise, morals, standards and prayers you've given me thru the years. I continue to compile a list of the most important things that you taught me so I can continue to thank you..
I can still hear some of these statements as if it was yesterday!
1. Don't touch your brother
2. Do you want to eat soap?
3. You'll understand when you get older!
4. Wait till your dad gets home!
5. Don't call anyone a "fool"
6. Don't cross your eyes, they will get stuck like that!
7. Eat your carrots , u will see better
8. Austin...don't hide another pea in her mashed potatoes!
9. I have my sources
10. A little birdie told me
11. Did you wash your hands?
12. Don't swear, it's not lady like
13. U can always add salt, you can't take it out
14. You'll understand when you have a child of your own
And I vowed to never say "I told you so" , because you never did...I finally get it...so THANK YOU!
I love more than anything to reminence about yours and daddy's dating days, army days, days you struggled 1000's miles away from home, your first Army friends whom are your best friends today, see, you taught me loyalty, and how important true friendships are. I love the story of you guys breaking into your piggy bank and buying a half gallon of ice cream and decks of canasta cards, which was one of the most priceless Christmas gifts I could of ever received .....those cards remain in my safe !
I'm grateful for the vacations we got to go on...Disneyland, the most magical place on earth, Yellowstone National Park, (and making me feel secure and safe with 1/2 dozen black bears surrounding our car., camping, roasting marshmallows, singing "koom-by-ya my Lord", counting the stars and praying a bat doesn't land in our hair and make a nest, everyone sharing their talent around the campfire...Daddy's moon dance and david Levesey singing "Dirty Lil", hiking around the lake, building sand castles.It also makes me think of the Alaskan cruise we took together, the driving trip in which we saw like 11 states in 10 days!
You, mom, have truly blessed me with a lifetime of precious knowledge. Because of you, I can make the best homemade burnt almond fudge, along with sketti, tacos, roast, mashed potatoes, cobblers , salmon patties and beans and cornbread.
You have also taught me honesty, integrity, and given me golden advise, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with. I am the next couponer and bargin shopper (dad will disagree, he says his cheap and my cheap are 2 different cheaps!). You taught me the value of a dollar, and that confidence comes from earning it on your own.
Mom, your lead has been one that I have followed all my life. Following your lead keeps me on the right path, keeps dangers at bay, assures we arrive at our destination safely and unharmed. You are truly my light and blessing, agian I want you to know how much I love you!
Christmas and thanksgiving are two of my favorite holidays....our tree sparkled with lights and glitter, you know those long foil things called?? cant remember, homemade ornaments and all the gifts under the tree. Christmas Eve traditons and looking for Santa flying his sleigh in that foggy night, listneing for the reindeer's hoofs, Yet, we always knew the true meaning ...Jesus's birthday and we never left that out to this day we know the reason for the season.
Growing up, did i ever think "why do I have to bring the boy over here before i can go on a date..why do you have to meet them?, thats not fair, you're not dating them I am" yet i now know that also is a lost art...its a respect thing, so thank you for that.
Once again I'm here there and everywhere, no order just type it as it comes to my mind....
You are not only the best mother, you are the best grandmother to Mike, Renee and Nick, and all the ones who have adopted you, and you them....Kim and Tom, Ann, Brenda, Barbara and the list goes on.
In October 2008, life changed not in a small way, but in a way that no parent ever deserves to go through. Yet again, the Lord has blessed you with an amazing amount of strenght. My heart ( all of our hearts) instantly broke and is still not completely whole again, which is my fault, I mean how can I expect God to repair my heart when I don't give Him all the pieces. apart of me died that October day....yet apart of me lived and still lives and I share the love and hope I have that Jeff would want me to pass on. I also share his story, his love of life, his love of family, of gardening, of adventure, of the son he was, the brother, father, husband and friend he was. You didnt deserve to lose Jeff, yet you have shared with me how at peace you are, knowing that jeff has met our Maker, knowing he is no longer in pain or suffering, Jeff inspires me, you and dad inspire me, greg and the kids inspire me...even something as little as "a butterfly" inspires me. a butterfly is a miracle, from a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly....that butterfly gives me hope, as i anxiously await to see all God has in His plans for me. Jeff will always live on in our lives..."why?" because he would want it that way, I know he is smiling down as we are planting all these flowers in his garden. Jeff was the reason I was able to have the strenght and passion to face my own demons. It wasn't easy....like you mom...its a journey that i will be on all my life yet it will have detours and bumps and rough areas, but God will straighten my path, and keep me headed in the right direction. I've shared with you before and I will tell you again, I wouldn't be where I am today, I would never of made it thru New Hope without recieving a card or more a day from you... your prayers, your 3 minute payphone daily calls, your finacial help, your kind, sincere words kept me going (along with greg, mona, the kids, Uncle Kenneth, all my friends and family that knew, and who put their hand out there for support, came to family days, tried to understand everything and loved me no matter what!) Even though it is 20 days, 3 months and 4 years, i still need and appreciate your help. Most of all, I am just grateful that you and dad have had an open mind, and have been willing to learn about this ugly disease and all its possible of....to know its not something we choose or want to have, but something i have to deal with forever and I know you know and have accepted my friends from New Hope and who i have met because of this disease...we truly are good people who have made bad choices....thank you for understanding that, and I'm so glad dad went to Celebrate Recovery with me.
As an adult, I made the decision to get a tattoo. I know how you feel about tattoos, yet nothing but nice words and the words "then your daddy says he's gonna get one just like you!" At least i can hide them if I need to or want to...."Let go and Let God with Mike's name and Nae's name, and yes I can hide it with shoes. My very first one.."Rest in Peace Brother" with a cross. Yes, one more in the works, yet it will be small and the words "Amazing Grace" have meant the world to me.
i mentioned to you about canning and cooking....i love looking thru your recipes that you have saved throughout the years. I cant help but smile when i see recipes on scratch paper, napkins, soiled cards, stained with milk or chocolate, i love your handwritten recipes dotted with your own words like add less sugar, leave the cloves out or best one so far! You have passed your ability and love of cooking and baking down to me, as I make many of your recipes for my family. It brings me back to a time of warmth and love that makes me feel close to you, even 2000 miles away.
Mom, i know you have always told me that I could be anything I wanted to be, if I work hard enough. You encouraged me and shaped me to be an over-acheiver. All I knew was that no matter what I did with my life, if I could be half the mother you are, I would be the most successful person in the world.
Mom, I have said it before, you are an angel on earth. If angels had more than one pair of wings, you would! You are a fighter, a survioir, and you know your job on earth is not complete. You have more people to love, more people to fix meals for, more people to pray for, more people to cry with, to laugh with, you have more people to share Jesus with, and all He is capable of. You have surviored ovaian cancer, breast cancer, lymphic cancer, and the latest of maligent melanoma. This most recent health issue with your back has taken you to the lowest I've ever seen you. I know you don't want help blow drying your hair, cutting up your meat, getting up out of a chair, getting in and out of bed, getting dressed. I know you want to plant your flowers and the rows and rows of tomatoes, okra, peppers, squash, green beans, beets, dill, cilantro, radishes, lettecue, vincas, wave petunas, potatoe vines, coleus, lantana, and hibiscus. I know you want to fill and hang hummingbird feeders. sometime, we have to Let go and let God. Let others help, there is nothing that brings me more joy then to see the happiness those little things bring you. Please, just let your friends, neighbors and chruch family help, they want to.
Sometimes, we dont always understand...yet, when most people would ask 'why me Lord" your attitude is like no one else's "why not me Lord?". Yet, the pain you are in is unfathable to most, yet you always say "tomorow will be a better day, and I'm gonna get better". Through all this, you know God has a plan...a plan just for you, and each day, He will reveal more and more of His plan.
but, please know its ok to cry, its ok to feel down, its ok to just want to feel better, and its ok to let others do for you for a change. You have beautiful neighbores, wonderful loving church family, our blood family is small, but family is family, and we get that. Some of the medical profession may not have great expectations, but we serve and worship and live for a very loving, kind, full of righteous and grace, and healing God....we keep the faith. I know how independent you have always been ( and I know exactly where I got mine), yet things have temporally changed, you see I said temporally...I know you want to do things on your own, and you will be able to again soon. This may sound a bit selfish...but I need you, actually all of us need you. After laying on your bed with you, watching the beautiful outdoors and knowing the hummingbird that came inches away from your face two days ago, we realized right then even the hummingbirds need you, they came to tell you...just one of God's gentle amazing reminders, that everything is going to be ok. You see, we will work hard, you will be able to walk better, we will get you to where you don't have pain with every move of a finger, brushing your teeth, socks and shoes, getting in and out of bed without help. This is a journey, that has had another slight detour, but before long will be back on the right path in the right direction. Thank you for giving your everything to this journey...the world deserves you! You have always told me how small things, little things in life will become the most treasured. It breaks my heart to see you in pain and wish I could take the pain away, to comfort you, as you have for so many countless times in my life.
You are my role model, my mentor, my lifesaver.....I am so grateful that the Lord gave me His very BEST!!!
I gave you this poem years ago, and I think you might need and want to hear it again....
"My mother kept a garden,
a garden of the heart.
You planted all the good things
that gave my lifes its start.
You turned me to the sunshine
and encouraged me to dream,
fostering and nuturing the
seeds of self esteem. And when the winds and rains came,
you protected me enough, but not too much
because you knew I needed to grow strong and tough.
Your constant good examples
always taught me right from wrong.
Markers for my pathway that will last a lifetime long.
I am my Mother's garden. I am your legacy and I hope
today you feel the love reflected back from me.
I love you Mom!
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