I read the words "I never stopped loving you less" tonite a few hours ago. I can't get this out of my head and heart..... The words were nothing but loving and sincere,,they were my nephew's words to his beautiful wife. I have pondered on it and even sent a text to him, asking if it would be ok if I shared some insights and feelings on my blog regarding his words. I didn't get a response , yet I used my better judgment and felt since he wrote this beautiful letter to his wife on Facebook and up to this point, there has been many responses back to them on facebook,,including one from his wife, so I have made the decision to share afew things regarding these two wonderful people. Also, as I continued on her page, just yesterday she opened up and shared with,everyone her struggles , and her hopes.
I can speak from similar experience, it just came at a different time in my life than in Nicole's.
I understand Nicole that you have a tendency to be a private person......I am too. I know how hard this had to be to share with others. I do appreciate you being open and honest and having the desire to not just "be ok", but to educate and hopefully help someone else. You have put this out there so simply, with wonderful intentions.
So to you Nicole...... Just remember "this too shall pass" and know that "God will never leave you or forsake you." I know this is a daily struggle and an ongoing battle that you are fighting. I can't help but think of that commercial on TV that's talks about depression, and it asks "where does depression hurt?".... The response is "it hurts everywhere". It hurts mentally and physically every minute of every day. The guilt, the panic attacks, the sadness, the feeling that this will never get better....are all right there staring you in the face every day. It feels and looks like a monster, it talks to you like a monster....but together, and with the love of our gracious, helping God, we/you can squash this monster. It's real, and you're right, it's very time consuming. Your health issues, challenges and emotions are like they are inside of a pressure cooker, and you can't turn yourself and your feeling off in a WHIM! It doesn't work that way ..... Wouldn't it be wonderful if that's how it worked? Your feeling of letting everyone down , that everyone would be better off without you, the extreme fear of being alone, and you battling the the feelings of self hatred, is more than you should ever have to struggle with. This is the devil at work, he wants us to not think we are a blessing to everyone we know, he wants us to be unhappy, he wants us to think we are useless and worthless. Yet, we all know differently, we know God created us, and God makes no mistakes. You are right Nicole, its not something to be ashamed of, or something to hide from and feel paralyzed from...you are taking all the steps in the right direction. I don't need to share about my experience, you and HJ already know, but I do know you mentioned you are taking "one day at a time".... I used to have to do that also, but I truly believe God created hours, minutes and seconds for a reason, and that reason being sometimes thinking about making it through a day at a time is still to overwhelming, so its,ok to get through a second, then a minute, then an hour at a time. Do me a favor Nicole .....when you feel tired, guilty, worthless, or unloved, bring up your post on Facebook....better yet have HJ print it off for you, so you can read all the loving, sincere, touching words people feel and say about you . When I went thru residential treatment at New Hope they taught me that journaling would make a difference.... They were right......it is one of the most therapeutic resources I have. Prayer is powerful, letting others love you until you can learn to love your self again, and self reassurance you will find in the words of so many. You are admired, you are stronger than you think, and no need to be so hard on yourself. You are beautiful inside and out. Beauty is far more than skin deep...beauty is in
eyes of the beholder....also just look at Ry and Ella.... Two of the biggest blessings EVER! I'm not leaving HJ out, oh I have some special words for him too, but I have to say I love your words of response when you said "I have faith that one day, I will look up and see the most beautiful rainbow at the end of this battle"
HJ...... You obviously know that writing and journaling is very therapeutic. Your's and Nicole's love story put into words on her Facebook page. The words just flowed and made perfect sense, and you can see how touched and emotional many were. It was even difficult to respond right away, it has taken me hours to ponder and pray upon the words I wanted to say. The title of my blog are your very strong precise words "I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU LESS" what amazing 6 words you chose to not just share with Nicole, but with the rest of the
World. No matter the circumstance, no matter the trial, no matter the tribulation, no matter the obstacle, no matter the miscarriage, or the difficult pregnancies, no matter the broken and unfixed relationships, no matter the illness and recoveries, no matter the job or financial situations... You never stopped loving her less. I admire you for standing by her side, I never thought it would be any other way. The morals and standards that were instilled in you, the fact that Jesus is yours and Nicole's true Rock... Is why you are able to never stop loving her less. I love the fact that you are able to tell her and all of us that you will stay by her side, and continue to be her rock solid, you promise to take care of her through sickness and health, good and bad.....and you will NEVER just let her go away. You understand and realize that no matter what life throws at you, you will love her more than you ever thought possible!
HJ, you are a dedicated man of God (and that has to come first), you are a loving husband, a daddynto two beautiful children, a true big brother that Tyler,Ted and Travis all look up too. You are a son, grandson, friend, son-in-
law, student, and a nephew. I love you with all my heart and just like I asked Nicole to please remember the quote you texted to me about 3 years ago. You thought I would like to use it and share as one of my daily inspirational quotes, and yes I have shared it hundreds of times over and over again..... Please, when things aren't always looking up,and you guys just are not sure what to do next, remember you telling me "don't tell God how BIG your storm is....rather tell the storm how BIG your God is!"
I love you both and know everything is gonna be ok.... I'm really craving Micheals pizza, so soon we need to introduce Ella to the best pizza around!
Because of His AMAZING GRACE
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