AN ENTIRE DIFFERENT WORLD.........

I've always been intrigued, always been interested, always wanted to learn more, and always thought I would love to be AMISH......

No matter what nationality, no matter what culture, no matter what religion, I respect everybody and their differences.  I do enjoy learning about different people, in different parts of the world. Yet one that truly stands out for me is the Amish.  The way they talk, the way they dress, the way they cook, the way they see education, government, religion, secular world, and the way they totally live life.

These plain dressed earthly people have no intentions of ever changing their lifestyle as they have a strong belief system that they should be a group that is set apart from the rest of the world. They have  a list of rules they have to follow ... There are different orders of Amish , the older Amish , the newer Amish and probably 6 more.  They each have their own style of religion and conduct in daily life. Some of the things that intrigue me are their clothing, their transportation, their work ethic, their cooking, education, family dynamics, and maybe their fears?

I've done some research on the Amish.... Whether I will ever learn enough,,or understand or agree...I just enjoy this differcity.  One of my most enjoyed times is driving in the Amish country .....I love admiring the beautiful scenery, the neat clean Amish farms and communities where life moves at a much slower pace.  I love to see the one room school houses, and the kids outdoors playing, and they all run away and turn their heads when someone like me drives by.  I just cannot even imagine what hard work really is in the life of an Amish.  The horses look like Clidsdell horses, big and strong. The team of four or six sometimes will pull farm machinery, with the men and boys right beside.  The beautiful rows of corn, tobacco, wheat, barely, hay or anything else.   This past week, I spent hours in an amish community.  I had my camera in hand, as I was a backseat passenger.  (I just cannot figure out how to blog and add pictures to my blog from anything other than my own laptop back in California...so for now, I will share with you an hour or two in their life without pictures, and when I figure out how to include my pictures I will do that later..... So for now, come along with me, maybe even close your eyes and imagine thru my words. )

31 miles away from my parents home in Springfield, Missouri....a small Amish community in the town of Seymour.  The first hint of Amish ....their horse and buggy tucked away in individual little covered barn... As these men are busily constructing chicken coops, little ones and really big ones, rabbit Hutchins and raised flower/garden beds, made out of the best wood.  We stop to admire and actually inquire about a chicken coop.... As we get off  highway 61,  onto P highway there is a road sign that shows a horse and buggy and says "share the road".   And it very obvious how heavy travelled it is by the Amish because of all the road apples left behind.  The very first home we drive by has children playing in the yard.... Swinging on a wooden swing hung from the biggest tree I've ever seen, they swing higher and higher and even appears that one of the children was actually in the tree.  You could sense their enjoyment, the smiles and the pushes on the swing of the smaller children.  On the left was what appeared to be an entire family preparing their soil for their garden, whether it be soybeans, barley, potatoes, wheat, corn, broccoli, cauliflower or beans, they were all contributing, All taking part, there was the friendly wave from one or two of them.  I was intrigued by the young children running down the road to the next farm, barefooted, without a care one, except to not mingle or pay one bit of attention to someone on the outside world as myself.  I have always heard about this, but was able to visually see it for myself on this particular day.  It was a Monday afternoon, school out for the summer, and it seemed like no one was around most of the farms, that was because half mile or so on the corner of P highway and Amish Loop, there were dozens of horse drawn buggies all centrally located, and all the men were doing their part of a "barn raising".  It was breath-taking....literally, for those of you that know how it feels when your breath is taken away.  I do admire how the Amish take care of their own. They seem to have such a natural ability for fine craftsmanship, whether its quilting or building or baking or canning.  They are well known for their fresh produce, milk and farming skills. We meandered upon several roadside Furniture/saddle stores, 

Fresh eggs for sale, or noodles, material to make clothing, quilts, green houses, dairy, honey, sorghum, jams and jellies.  I couldn't pass up homemade dishcloths and dish towels.   

I mentioned this was a Monday, (May 20th, 2013 in fact).. ..Mondays must be laundry day.....every home we passed or pulled into, clothes, both small and large, mainly black or dark blue were hanging on the clothesline, swaying in the gentle breeze. The Amish consider style and fashion to be vain.  They feel that flashy garments are meant to get one' noticed, and that is not something they want to do.  The curtains on windows are a solid dark color, the bed sheets appeared to be either blue or green or black.

We missed a turn on the dirt Amish Loop road, ending up at a dead end, in someone's home, there were 5 children on the porch, as soon as they saw us, they scurried each other up, hoovering over the little ones, protecting them.  They each were barefooted along with the daddy who came out to greet us, or most likely to protect his family.  He was kind enough to give us directions back out to P highway, and we thanked him and offered our graciousness, by wishing him a blessed day. We passed greenhouses, milk barns, fields of goats, and the wooliest sheep I have ever seen!

We passed the school house that was quiet and closed up for the summer.  The grass was high,and the swings were swung around the bar, tucked away for the summer.  The curtains seemed to be pulled to the side and gently blowing in the breeze.  Windmills, open large ponds and beautiful yellow mustard I guess dotted  every green field.  I saw a gentleman walking back and forth each row of his crop with some type of backpack sprayer perhaps...... Imagining this was an all,day chore.   I enjoyed the horses, even they were attentive and Leary of us.... Nae in'  as I got probably alittle too close to their colt.  I respected their space and continued on my journey.

In one roadside shop  I stopped in , there were different woman doing business among themselves.  Placing orders perhaps.  I was hoping to buy some of their pastries, just so I could myself imagine and appreciate all the hard work that goes into their product.  Their applicancies, no electricity to operate, all their lighting is by candle or gas or oil lamp.  I could tell that these Amish women were far from lazy, their cooking and baking start in the early morning hours.  They prepare their food by the light of a propane lantern, and their windmill pumps water into the home from a nearby well. These womens hands were large and strong looking, strong enough to prepare soil, hold the ruins of the horse drawn buggy and it reminded me of that song called "Daddy;s hand", gentle but hard working and strong.

I never imagined... But my daddy being the daddy he is was able to make this come true for me.  Our afternoon drive was coming to a close, and I had thoroughly enjoyed my day in the countryside of the Amish, I had enjoyed the barn raising, the many chicken barns, the laundry hanging out on every porch, chores being done by each and every family member, the children playing till their heart is happy and content..... This was a priceless day....I didn't imagine that it could be any better....until, my daddy flagged down a horse and buggy driven by a young Amish gentleman and started a conversation with him.  What took place next was beyond my wildest imagination.... Something that I somewhat want to keep to myself, yet out of utmost respect for this gentleman I want to share his kindness and willingness to let me in just a little bit more of the amish life.  Before I knew it, I was balancing myself on 3 small tiny tiny metal steps into his buggy.  As he straightened up the floor board if you would, I took a seat next to him.... I introduced myself and he to me.  His name was "Johnny" yet pronounced "sssjohnny" I guess a kinda of a roll of the tongue German accent?  Johnny asked me about California, earthquakes and let me know he's never been there before.  We talked about the bad weather that was headed our way, I asked if they have storm shelters on their farm and he said "no, but we go under the floor".  We talked about farming, travels, families and daily chores and my dental job in California.  Johnny had about 3 miles to go, but said at the next mailbox, we should have our parting words, and we would go our separate ways. I extended my hand and thanked Johnny for his time and consideration on letting someone from the outside world come into his world even for a few brief minutes.  We said goodbye, and Johnny and his horse drawn weather beaten, hard worked buggy clipity-clopped on down the road to continue on his daily life, as I got back into the backseat of my parents van, as we then headed back to our home, 31 miles in distance but thousands of miles of  technology, and a complete different lifestyle,,that sometimes I wonder if we or I take for granted.  

I am forever grateful for this experience, I will forever have the vision of all the black and blue clothing swaying in the wind, I will forever picture these Amish children almost sheepishly running away from us, except for maybe one or two who were also intrigued and waved at us, I will forever appreciate all the hard-work, dedication and passion that they put into their daily lives, yet leave me baffled and wanting to know more..i will forever be grateful to Johnny.... my Amish friend with whom we shared minutes of our lives togehter....

all of this because of HIS Amazing Grace

I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU NO LESS......

I read the words "I never stopped loving you less" tonite a few hours ago.  I can't get this out of my head and heart..... The words were nothing but loving and sincere,,they were my nephew's words to his beautiful wife.  I have pondered on it and even sent a text to him, asking if it would be ok if I shared some insights and feelings on my blog regarding his words.  I didn't get a response , yet I used my better judgment and felt since he wrote this beautiful letter to his wife on Facebook and up to this point, there has been many responses back to them on facebook,,including one from his wife, so I have made the decision to share afew things regarding these two wonderful people.  Also, as I continued on her page, just yesterday she opened up and shared with,everyone her struggles , and her hopes.  

I can speak from similar experience, it just came at a different time in my life than in Nicole's.  

I understand Nicole that you have a tendency to be a private person......I am too. I know how hard this had to be to share with others.  I do appreciate you being open and honest and having the desire to not just "be ok", but to educate and hopefully help someone else.  You have put this out there so simply, with wonderful intentions.

So to you Nicole...... Just remember "this too shall pass" and know that "God will never leave you or forsake you."  I know this is a daily struggle and an ongoing battle that you are fighting.  I can't help but think of that commercial on TV that's talks about depression, and it asks "where does depression hurt?".... The response is "it hurts everywhere".  It hurts mentally and physically every minute of every day. The guilt, the panic attacks, the sadness, the feeling that this will never get better....are all right there staring you in the face every day. It feels and looks like a monster, it talks to you like a monster....but together, and with the love of our gracious, helping God, we/you can squash this monster.  It's real, and you're right, it's very time consuming.  Your health issues, challenges and emotions are like they are inside of a pressure cooker, and you can't turn yourself and your feeling off in a WHIM!  It doesn't work that way ..... Wouldn't it be wonderful if that's how it worked?  Your feeling of letting everyone down , that everyone would be better off without you, the extreme fear of being alone, and you battling the the feelings of self hatred, is more than you should ever have to struggle with. This is the devil at work, he wants us to not think we are a blessing to everyone we know, he wants us to be unhappy, he wants us to think we are useless and worthless.  Yet, we all know differently, we know God created us, and God makes no mistakes.  You are right Nicole, its not something to be ashamed of, or something to hide from and feel paralyzed from...you are taking all the steps in the right direction.  I don't need to share about my experience, you and HJ already know, but I do know you mentioned you are taking "one day at a time".... I used to have to do that also, but I truly believe God created hours, minutes and seconds for a reason, and that reason being sometimes thinking about making it through a day at a time is still to overwhelming, so its,ok to get through a second, then a minute, then an hour at a time.  Do me a favor Nicole .....when you feel tired, guilty, worthless, or unloved, bring up your post on Facebook....better yet have HJ print it off for you, so you can read all the loving, sincere, touching words people feel and say about you .  When I went thru residential treatment at New Hope they taught me that journaling would make a difference.... They were right......it is one of the most therapeutic resources I have.  Prayer is powerful, letting others love you until you can learn to love your self again, and self reassurance you will find in the words of so many.  You are admired, you are stronger than you think, and no need to be so hard on yourself.  You are beautiful inside and out.  Beauty is far more than skin deep...beauty is in 

 eyes of the beholder....also just look at Ry and Ella.... Two of the biggest blessings EVER!  I'm not leaving  HJ out, oh I have some special words for him too, but I have to say I love your words of response when you said "I have faith that one day, I will look up and see the most beautiful rainbow at the end of this battle"

HJ...... You obviously know that writing and journaling is very therapeutic.  Your's and Nicole's  love story put into words on her Facebook page.  The words just flowed and made perfect sense, and you can see how touched and emotional many were.  It was even difficult to respond right away, it has taken me hours to ponder and pray upon the words I wanted to say.  The title of my blog are your very strong precise words "I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU LESS" what amazing 6 words you chose to not just share with Nicole, but with the rest of the 

World.  No matter the circumstance, no matter the trial, no matter the tribulation, no matter the obstacle, no matter the miscarriage, or the difficult pregnancies, no matter the broken and unfixed relationships, no matter the illness and recoveries, no matter the job or financial situations... You never stopped loving her less. I admire you for standing by her side, I never thought it would be any other way.  The morals and standards that were instilled in you, the fact that Jesus is yours and Nicole's true Rock... Is why you are able to never stop loving her less. I love the fact that you are able to tell her and all of us that you will stay by her side, and continue to be her rock solid, you promise to take care of her through sickness and health, good and bad.....and you will NEVER just let her go away.  You understand and realize that no matter what life throws at you, you will love her more than you ever thought possible!  

HJ, you are a dedicated man of God (and that has to come first), you are a loving husband,  a daddynto two beautiful children, a true big brother that Tyler,Ted and Travis all look up too.  You are a son, grandson, friend, son-in-

law, student, and a nephew.  I love you with all my heart and just like I asked Nicole to please remember the quote you texted to me about 3 years ago.  You thought I would like to use it and share as one of my daily inspirational quotes, and yes I have shared it hundreds of times over and over again..... Please, when things aren't always looking up,and you guys just are not sure what to do next, remember you telling me "don't tell God how BIG your storm is....rather tell the storm how BIG your God is!"

I love you both and know everything is gonna be ok.... I'm really craving Micheals pizza, so soon we need to introduce Ella to the best pizza around!

Because of His AMAZING GRACE

MOM.....YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING.....

Mom, you are my everything.....I can't begin to tell you how much I love you.  But, I want to try .....no matter, the words I pick out, I know in my heart you already know.

When many think of the word mother, some words such as "floormopper, grocery shopper, easy baker, casserole maker, laundry washer, bug squasher, potty trainer, shirt destainer, hair curler, house cleaner, shoulder leaner, gift buyer, money lender, sunblock rubber, face scrubber, prayer sayer, old maid player and so much more!  yes, those words are all fitting for you, but i have so many more that are perfect, they are you..... 

I will be the first to admit that I am spoiled rotten, but I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do for me and how much you have given up to make my life as incredible as it is.

Sometimes, I secretly believe you are my superhero.  I look back on how you were able to raise 2 kids, well 3 including dad (haha), work, the chores on the farm and keep it all together.

I remember you putting the pink sponge rollers in my hair, so I'd have beautiful curls ( just like I did some years later for Renee). 

Well, I'll say it now....I will be jumping from here to there and back to here....I love to blog and to share my my intimate feelings, but I'm not a natural or good at it....all I can say is it comes from my heart and its true and sincere....there may be no rhyme or reason to it all , well there is reason to all of it, it just may not be in what do u call it? Not in yearly order, whatever that word is, chronological maybe?

You know, everyone has a story, and whenever I have the opportunity to share my story, whether for a large group of people or a small group, even if its to a patient or a friend or a stranger...you Mom, are a huge part of my story....from my childhood thru all almost (yes, I say almost) 50 years, YOU are one of my biggest fans. I'm honored and blessed all at once. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Thank you for :

Teaching me its ok not to be perfect

Teaching me that its ok to laugh at myself

Teaching me how to work hard

Teaching me to respect others

Teaching me to respect myself

Teaching me to love others

Teaching me to be more like Jesus

Teaching me how to pray

Teaching me to forgive

Teaching me responsibility

Teaching me to fess up, when u ruin ur boyfriends paint job on his car

Teaching me to be honest

Teaching me values

Teaching me to cook (but not sew, even tho u tried)

Teaching me to make butter from fresh cream

I'll stop there for a second, because there are many things you wanted to or tried to teach me, yet my mind was made up, "I'm never gonna make my clothes, ill get them at the mall, I don't need to learn to can, who does that anyways? I'm not gonna bake or cook, whoever I marry, I'll make him do that! I appreciate all that you do or did....it is TRULY a lost art these days....I only wish I could sew a button on, or hem my scrubs that I walk all over, what I'd give to be able to can homemade sketti sauce (as daddy spells it) or tomatoe juice, okra pickles my 3rd favorite, even though your salsa is too hot for me, i would just put one less jalapeño in it! The peppers, the peaches,,pears, strawberries, if it was cannable or freeze able, you did it, and i only wish I had that talent! I'm still watching, asking, and trying! 

So back to things you taught or instilled in me.  I have to give you a lot of credit...with daddy's
schedule of graveyard and swing shift, you had extra parenting duty.  I'm pretty sure Jeff and I
pushed you to your limit a time or two! Yet, it seemed every time we did that,  guess who would just drop by the house that evening in his police car.....yep our daddy!  We learned real fast.... We learned not to giggle or make faces while the blessing was being asked before we ate.  I learned real fast not to call  Jeff a "dil-doe" at the dinner table or for that matter anywhere!

I learned patience from you, I don't think I have ever met anyone with the patience you have like Job in the Bible.  I learned about admiration, I admired you for going to work, taking us to church, being a Boy Scout leader, a 4-H leader, room mother, you were always there to do whatever was needed.  I learned that all bad actions have consequences, let me rephrase that....that every action had a consequence, but good actions and good consequences were our best choices.  You dried my tears through break-ups and told me to have faith, mom,,your strength has always inspired me.  Your prayers always kept me safe as I went my way and found my grown-up life at the young age of 17. I always knew I'd thank you someday for all the advise, morals, standards and prayers you've given me thru the years.  I continue to compile a list of the most important things that you taught me so I can continue to thank you..

I can still hear some of these statements as if it was yesterday!
1. Don't touch your brother
2. Do you want to eat soap?
3. You'll understand when you get older!
4.  Wait till your dad gets home!
5.  Don't call anyone a "fool"
6.  Don't cross your eyes, they will get stuck like that!
7.  Eat your carrots , u will see better
8. Austin...don't hide another pea in her mashed potatoes!
9. I have my sources
10. A little birdie told me
11.  Did you wash your hands?
12.  Don't swear, it's not lady like
13.  U can always add salt, you can't take it out
14.  You'll understand when you have a child of your own

And I vowed to never say "I told you so" , because you never did...I finally get it...so THANK YOU!

I love more than anything to reminence about yours and daddy's dating days, army days, days you struggled 1000's miles away from home, your first Army friends whom are your best friends today, see, you taught me loyalty, and how important true friendships are. I love the story of you guys breaking into your piggy bank and buying a half gallon of ice cream and decks of canasta cards, which was one of the most priceless Christmas gifts I could of ever received .....those cards remain in my safe !

I'm grateful for the vacations we got to go on...Disneyland, the most magical place on earth, Yellowstone National Park, (and making me feel secure and safe with 1/2 dozen black bears surrounding our car., camping, roasting marshmallows, singing "koom-by-ya my Lord", counting the stars and praying a bat doesn't land in our hair and make a nest, everyone sharing their talent around the campfire...Daddy's moon dance and david Levesey singing "Dirty Lil", hiking around the lake, building sand castles.It also makes me think of the Alaskan cruise we took together, the driving trip in which we saw like 11 states in 10 days!

You, mom, have truly blessed me with a lifetime of precious knowledge.  Because of you, I can make the best homemade burnt almond fudge, along with sketti, tacos, roast, mashed potatoes, cobblers , salmon patties and beans and cornbread.

You have also taught me honesty, integrity, and given me golden advise, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with.  I am the next couponer and bargin shopper (dad will disagree, he says his cheap and my cheap are 2 different cheaps!).  You taught me the value of a dollar, and that confidence comes from earning it on your own.

Mom, your lead has been one that I have followed all my life.  Following your lead keeps me on the right path, keeps dangers at bay, assures we arrive at our destination safely and unharmed.  You are truly my light and blessing, agian I want you to know how much I love you!

Christmas and thanksgiving are two of my favorite holidays....our tree sparkled with lights and glitter, you know those long foil things called?? cant remember, homemade ornaments and all the gifts under the tree. Christmas Eve traditons and looking for Santa flying his sleigh in that foggy night, listneing for the reindeer's hoofs, Yet, we always knew the true meaning ...Jesus's birthday and we never left that out to this day we know the reason for the season.

Growing up, did i ever think "why do I have to bring the boy over here before i can go on a date..why do you have to meet them?, thats not fair, you're not dating them I am"  yet i now know that also is a lost art...its a respect thing, so thank you for that.

Once again I'm here there and everywhere, no order just type it as it comes to my mind....

You are not only the best mother, you are the best grandmother to Mike, Renee and Nick, and all the ones who have adopted you, and you them....Kim and Tom, Ann, Brenda, Barbara and the list goes on.

 In October 2008, life changed not in a small way, but in a way that no parent ever deserves to go through.  Yet again, the Lord has blessed you with an amazing amount of strenght.  My heart ( all of our hearts) instantly broke and is still not completely whole again, which is my fault, I mean how can I expect God to repair my heart when I don't give Him all the pieces. apart of me died that October day....yet apart of me lived and still lives and I share the love and hope I have that Jeff would want me to pass on.  I also share his story, his love of life, his love of family, of gardening, of adventure, of the son he was, the brother, father, husband and friend he was.  You didnt deserve to lose Jeff, yet you have shared with me how at peace you are, knowing that jeff has met our Maker, knowing he is no longer in pain or suffering, Jeff inspires me, you and dad inspire me, greg and the kids inspire me...even something as little as "a butterfly" inspires me.  a butterfly is a miracle, from a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly....that butterfly gives me hope, as i anxiously await to see all God has in His plans for me. Jeff will always live on in our lives..."why?" because he would want it that way, I know he is smiling down as we are planting all these flowers in his garden. Jeff was the reason I was able to have the strenght and passion to face my own demons.  It wasn't easy....like you mom...its a journey that i will be on all my life yet it will have detours and bumps and rough areas, but God will straighten my path, and keep me headed in the right direction.  I've shared with you before and I will tell you again, I wouldn't be where I am today, I would never of made it thru New Hope without recieving a card or more a day from you... your prayers, your 3 minute payphone daily calls,  your finacial help, your kind, sincere words kept me going (along with greg, mona, the kids, Uncle Kenneth, all my friends and family that knew, and who put their hand out there for support, came to family days, tried to understand everything and loved me no matter what!) Even though it is 20 days, 3 months and  4 years, i still need and appreciate your help.  Most of all, I am just grateful that you and dad have had an open mind, and have been willing to learn about this ugly disease and all its possible of....to know its not something we choose or want to have, but something i have to deal with forever and I know you know and have accepted my friends from New Hope and who i have met because of this disease...we truly are good people who have made bad choices....thank you for understanding that, and I'm so glad dad went to Celebrate Recovery with me.

As an adult, I made the decision to get a tattoo.  I know how you feel about tattoos, yet nothing but nice words and the words "then your daddy says he's gonna get one just like you!" At least i can hide them if I need to or want to...."Let go and Let God with Mike's name and Nae's name, and yes I can hide it with shoes. My very first one.."Rest in Peace Brother" with a cross.  Yes, one more in the works, yet it will be small and the words "Amazing Grace" have meant the world to me.

i mentioned to you about canning and cooking....i love looking thru your recipes that you have saved throughout the years.  I cant help but smile when i see recipes on scratch paper, napkins, soiled cards, stained with milk or chocolate, i love your handwritten recipes dotted with your own words like add less sugar, leave the cloves out or best one so far! You have passed your ability and love of cooking and baking down to me, as I make many of your recipes for my family.  It brings me back to a time of warmth and love that makes me feel close to you, even 2000 miles away.

Mom, i know you have always told me that I could be anything I wanted to be, if I work hard enough.  You encouraged me and shaped me to be an over-acheiver.  All I knew was that no matter what I did with my life, if I could be half the mother you are, I would be the most successful person in the world.

Mom, I have said it before, you are an angel on earth.  If angels had more than one pair of wings, you would! You are a fighter, a survioir, and you know your job on earth is not complete. You have more people to love, more people to fix meals for, more people to pray for, more people to cry with, to laugh with, you have more people to share Jesus with, and all He is capable of.  You have surviored ovaian cancer, breast cancer, lymphic cancer, and the latest of maligent melanoma. This most recent health issue with your back has taken you to the lowest I've ever seen you.  I know you don't want help blow drying your hair, cutting up your meat, getting up out of a chair, getting in and out of bed, getting dressed.  I know you want to plant your flowers and the rows and rows of tomatoes, okra, peppers, squash, green beans, beets, dill, cilantro, radishes, lettecue, vincas, wave petunas, potatoe vines, coleus, lantana, and hibiscus.  I know you want to fill and hang hummingbird feeders.  sometime, we have to Let go and let God.  Let others help, there is nothing that brings me more joy then to see the happiness those little things bring you. Please, just let your friends, neighbors and chruch family help, they want to. 

Sometimes, we dont always understand...yet, when most people would ask 'why me Lord" your attitude is like no one else's  "why not me Lord?".  Yet, the pain you are in is unfathable to most, yet you always say "tomorow will be a better day, and I'm gonna get better".  Through all this, you know God has a plan...a plan just for you, and each day, He will reveal more and more of His plan. 
but, please know its ok to cry, its ok to feel down, its ok to just want to feel better, and its ok to let others do for you for a change.  You have beautiful neighbores, wonderful loving church family, our blood family is small, but family is family, and we get that.  Some of the medical profession may not have great expectations, but we serve and worship and live for a very loving, kind, full of righteous and grace, and healing God....we keep the faith.  I know how independent you have always been ( and I know exactly where I got mine), yet things have temporally changed, you see I said temporally...I know you want to do things on your own, and you will be able to again soon. This may sound a bit selfish...but I need you, actually all of us need you.  After laying on your bed with you, watching the beautiful outdoors and knowing the hummingbird that came inches away from your face two days ago, we realized right then even the hummingbirds need you, they came to tell you...just one of God's gentle amazing reminders, that everything is going to be ok.  You see, we will work hard, you will be able to walk better, we will get you to where you don't have pain with every move of a finger, brushing your teeth, socks and shoes, getting in and out of bed without help.  This is a journey, that has had another slight detour, but before long will be back on the right path in the right direction.  Thank you for giving your everything to this journey...the world deserves you!  You have always told me how small things, little things in life will become the most treasured.  It breaks my heart to see you in pain and wish I could take the pain away, to comfort you, as you have for so many countless times in my life.

You are my role model, my mentor, my lifesaver.....I am so grateful that the Lord gave me His very BEST!!!


I gave you this poem years ago, and I think you might need and want to hear it again....

"My mother kept a garden,
a garden of the heart.
You planted all the good things
that gave my lifes its start.
You turned me to the sunshine
and encouraged me to dream,
fostering and nuturing the
seeds of self esteem. And when the winds and rains came,
you protected me enough, but not too much
because you knew I needed to grow strong and tough.
Your constant good examples
always taught me right from wrong.
Markers for my pathway that will last a lifetime long.
I am my Mother's garden.  I am your legacy and I hope
today you feel the love reflected back from me.

I love you Mom!

PSSSST.....HEY GABRIEL STEPHEN......

Hey baby boy...... It's just me again..

This is a busy weekend for you..... So how has the first 24 hours of getting to know your daddy?  Did he tell stores about his past 6 weeks of training?  He's really dedicated to being a solider.  He is really brave, he fights for our freedom, I know it's all confusing to you right now.  And that's ok, we are just so glad he is home right now. It just matters that you get to feel ur skin against his, it just matters that he holds you close and watches every breath you take, that you feel how strong he is, and know he will protect you.... He will never
let any harm be done, after all, you are his son.  

Another big day today.... Your mommy's birthday.   I heard she got an ice cream cake.... Did You get a lick?  You know if I was there, I would of put just a tiny bit on your pacifier and let u have a taste!  Ssshhhh, don't tell mommy, especially daddy...it will be our secret!  Mommy got her hair done , do u like it?  Nae says its very cute, she loves it, I know, your mommy is beautiful all the time....and not just on the outside, she has a beautiful heart and soul.  You know what Gabriel , I was thinking today about how me too as a mommy, how much I
 love Mike and Renee, and its so hard to put into
 words, but I'm gonna try.  You see no one else (except mike and renee) will ever know the strength of my love, except them, because after all, they are the only ones who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside . I think you and mommy can relate.... For 9 months, as every little detail of you were forming, from your long skinny legs, to your big feet, to each and every eyelash, mommys heart was so happy.  It didn't matter that your elbow was poking her, or she had to get up and pee many times a night cuz you were pushing against her bladder, and it didn't matter that she couldn't eat that ice cream cake, every little sacrifice she made was because she loved you with all her heart, all her soul, you little one are 
worth it! 

You probably heard all the talk about tomorrow... Yes, on the calendar it says "Mother's Day".... But it won't be long and you will be able to see that EVERY day is MOTHER'S DAY!!! But because of you, tomorrow is VERY special.  You know, you make a lot of people happy.  You are a true blessing.  Your smile alone can change a persons day.  Oh, yesterday, you had just nodded off and nae said you were out for the count..... I'm sorry, it was my fault, I made her get up and take the face time camera over to you, so I could just stare at you.  You are such a miracle... She touched your 
lips, rubbed your cheek, I know we were 

disturbing you, but u did open one eye, stretched and you were out again










disturbing you, but u finally opened one eye, you 

stretched

PSSST......GABRIEL STEPHEN CRUZ......

psssst...... Dear baby Gabriel...... 

At almost 3 weeks old, I'm sure u are starting to figure a few things out for yourself..... But I'd love to share some things with you....some of this you may already know though.  

I'm your great Aunt Sherri.....  We haven't met in person yet, but hopefully it won't be too long before we do.  We did however meet over FaceTime though ,  u r so cute, your eyes are so dark, and they have a sparkle in them.  I saw u were crazy after your fist, so I told mommy she better feed you....she said she just did.... Yet I'm with you, when you want more, you just want more,and somemtimes the more you want the more you want! ( have u seen that funny commercial on tv yet with that little girl that says when u want more, u just want more). Oh and I heard you cooing... A few more times of me  making that noise with my tongue , I know U will be making that noise right back at me.  So, u met Nae-nae at the airport yesterday huh? She's pretty sweet dont you think? Her and your mommy have grown up together, your mommy is just a little bit older than nae-nae.  They have had so many good times growing up.  When your great grandma Mona (she can't wait to meet you, but she won't get on an airplane , her silly!) used to take those two shopping, after about an hour , ur mommy was done shopping, she was ready to go.  They always got an Easter outfit, this may be the first year they didn't get one!  You see, they are pretty spoiled too!  I'm not sure if you have face timed with your great uncle greg or not, but he has always called your mommy "Em-re-doodles" in fact, I think he still does.  Nae-Nae tells me that she got up with you  her first morning there, so mommy could have some extra sleep....she tells me you ate really good, you had a really big poopy diaper and once she changed you, she was picking out an outfit for u to wear,,but before she could, you were fast asleep....so for hours you were in a diaper, a cuddly blanket, snuggled up against nae, fitting into her like a puzzle piece..... Both of you content, and happy!!!

Just so you know Gabriel, Saturday is your mommys birthday, ( she is 29) and Sunday of coarse is her first Mother's Day ( and u are the perfect gift) and..your mommy and daddys,2nd wedding anniversary is this week too.  I know this is an exciting and busy week for everyone. I know you haven't been in your daddy's strong arms yet.... Tomorrow is the day .... You see, you have a really special daddy.... There aren't many brave men like him these days.  He is a United States serviceman. He is in the army and he was away at training while you were born. He graduates at noon tomorrow, then an 8 hour drive to meet you!  What an exciting day!  He's a pretty special guy...he loves your mommy so much, you will learn from him, and I bet u will be his little shadow someday, and want to grow up to be just like him!

So,,you spent your first 2 weeks with your grandma Ann there, way to start the spoiling off!  She's pretty special huh?  She makes the best cakes, you'll find out.

I wanna tell you about your grandpa Stephen.... He for sure is smiling down from heaven.  He is a proud papa!  You see , you have his name as your middle name....and pssssst, just so you know your mommy had him completely wrapped around his little finger!  I'm telling you, your mommy was his princess... She could do no wrong, and whatever hers wanted, hers got from her daddy! He was special that way, and through out your life, you will see more and more of him as we share him with you, and those goes for your great pa-pa Elliot too.... You will for sure know both of them, how can you not, they r big reasons why your mommy is who she is today.  I bet you can't wait to meet your Uncle Brad..... He will take right to you , hes gonna be your fishing buddie someday! there are more people that want to meet you, along with auntie Michelle and tony and claudie.  There are just so many people you will meet..... You can be guaranteed you will have lots of spoiling coming your way!,,

You Gabriel are a true blessing to this world.... A gift from God.. He already has big plans for you.  Next time we chat, I'll sing you a song you will never forget " Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so". 

PSSSSSST...... I love you Gabriel..... This will be our means of bonding..... Blogging, FaceTime, packages in the mail, texting...... Anytime you wanna coo at me, you know now how to find me!  I love you baby boy....

Because of His AMAZING GRACE.....

2 am.....

I am beginning to believe I have my days and nights mixed.  Not that I sleep very often during the day, but if I sit down I would....yet I find myself "thinkin" the most in late night hours or early morning hours like right now! My eyes are tired, yet can't seem to turn my brain off. 

I will admit I "future-trip" on things, I honestly and literally need to practice what I preach!  I need to stay in the present, which in itself is a gift.  I hope to never again take anyone or anything for granted....I need to just take one day at a time.  I have learned to do that, and continue to learn to do so, not always easy, especially since I'm a planner and a worrier. My mind wanders all the time...so that probably makes me a day-dreamer.....I wish I could reel my imagination back in , or at least not let it wander so far and so often.  

At this time of the morning, I think about the memorial service for George Jones and how so many people spoke highly of him.

I think about Mother's Day, and being able to spend it with my mom this year.

I think about all these boxes and boxes of dialysis supplies, and I think about how courageous my daddy is as he takes this all in stride.

I think about the man I met at my parents church on Sunday, he developed this dialysis machine that my dad uses every day.

I think about the overwhelming pain that my mom is enduring 24/7 and praying that our God, who is so full of grace and healing hands gives her just some relief.

I think about my friend Casey, whom the disease of addiction won.














 I think about his parents, the void and devastion they must feel.

I think about music..... Country , R & B, gospel, the lyrics, the beats, and how it fits into my life. 

I think about Mike, Beatriz and Viana...their life together, and how it feels to be a grandma to a beautiful little girl

I think about friends , the difference between a friend, and a true friends, and friends who walk away.

I think about trust..... And how some simply don't hold to their word and why.

I think about promises... Promises made, promises broken and how easily some can make empty promises, and make you look like a fool for believing them.

I think about Stars and Stripes , and those who fought and died and those who are still serving.


I think about the ugly disease of addiction. Where it can take people, and what it makes people do. It reminds me that we are good people who just simply made a bad choice.

I think about recovery and how rewarding it is.... When someone finally gets it!

I think about my brother and my brother in law who were both 48 years old when the good Lord felt He needed them more than we did here on earth.

I think about flowers and more flowers. How I love the pinks, purples,yellow,white impatients, wave petunias ,creeping Jenny, potatoe vines, hibiscus, morning glory , 4 o'clock s and any other pretty flowers

I think about home,and how blessed I am, to be loved unconditional 

I think about all Gods beauty, and how much he does for me.

I think about so much... And the topics that keep makin their way 

to my list.... 

All be cuz of His Amazing Grace..

THE REAL THING.....

How often do you hear "I want the real thing". Whether it is butter  or margin, Pepsi vs. diet Pepsi,  sugar or artificial sweetener, fresh flowers vs dry flowers, caffeine vs decaf.  Almost all food or beverags these days have a "lite version", from potato chips, whipped cream, maple syrup, soda and beer.  An ad campaign has said "tastes great..less filling."

Many people have ( and yes includes me), kind of taken on that attitude of  " i want the real thing, yet dont want to do all thenwork for it, sometimes without even realizing it and have applied it to our faith.  We want blessings, but without obedience.  We want comfort without sacrifice and Happiness but without repentance. So basically we have decaffeinated and diluted the message from God so much that we don't get the entire effect on our lives or the lives of others.  We at times will,just take a portion of the Bible verse, just the part we feel we can apply to our lives.  We may abide by a few of the 10 commandments, yet leave a couple of the harder ones out...we all have excuses.

The more I immerse myself with reading and praying and staying connected and truly letting go and letting God...I am able to see and feel God touching me , encouraging me, and showing me the path He wants me to follow .  I know I'm not there, yet I do know that I am closer than I was yesterday or the day before. Jesus doesn't want our normal, selfish, sinful life to get just a little better.....He wants to radically transform life as we know it.  He wants to cover us with His loving grace, and to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

I continue to do my best at not being so fearful, rather to be more and more faithful. I continue to make a gratitude list daily, even if I dont write them done, I make a mental list. I know and realize when a situation has knocked me to my knees, I'm in the perfect position to pray.  I continue to find His beauty as I look around....& I have learned to turn the noise down and the quiet up... And talk with Him, not just to Him.  I continue to desire to know His word and to strengthen my relationship with Him.  Only because of His everlasting unconditional love, His forgiveness and kindness I am able to find and know "The REAL THING"..... To know the real Jesus, the real meaning, the real hope and a life where I will really live.

And all this is because of His AMAZING GRACE.....

TIME WELL SPENT......

I'm a list person.... I seem to get more accomplished when I can visually see in front of me what I need to do and by when.  Nothing's feels better than to be able to highlight them off or put a big check mark by them and write "DONE".

Once I got home with my parents, of coarse there were thingsnthatbhey needed to do....so doing what I do, I made my daddy and I a list.....my mom was comfortable and said she would be ok left alone for a bit...so we got bundled up, yes it was snowing, list in hand and ready to do this!

1. Kohl's..... The 1500 watt Nija was on sale... And on this day it was an additional 10% off, along with a 30% off coupon if u used ur charge card.  You see, my dad loves gadgets, big or small, and while in California he saw how nifty nae's Nija worked, so he needs one or should I say wants one!  Yet wouldn't you know out of them, yet a rain check with all the discounts......I couldn't be I Kohl's and not get me another pain of Pam's to lounge around in!

2.  Price-Cutter... The grocery store my daddy works out... Had 2 paychecks to pick up, had to buy his dozen home layed brown eggs from one of his co-workers, deliver another co-worker some Melaluca vitamins, I got a hot apple cider from Starbucks inside the store being that it was 

Snowing still, a little something to warm us up, knowing we still had several stops. oh, and we rented the DVD "Flight" with Denzel Washington to watch that evening.

3.  His local bank.... 

4.  His phone company to Make a change on his cell phone plan.

5.  Braum's.... A local chain back here that is a fast food restaurant , an ice cream joint and they apparently have the best milk around. Half gallon of milk, half gallon of buttermilk ( I know, I know, spoiled curdled milk) and some vanilla bean ice cream for a dessert once he gets his ninja!

6.  Sam's (like our Costco) to get gas .... Cheapest place around.... 3.16$ per gallon.

7. Quick stop by the house to put the ice cream in the freezer, milk in the frig and make sure my mom was doing ok.....she was laying down...so we were off again...only one more stop.

8. Aldi's.......a no frills grocery store.  How I wish we had one of these stores.  First of all u pay .25 cents for a cart, but get it back when u return the cart.  I am amazed every time I go there.... Why wouldn't u shop there?  We of coarse had our list though....avacados for 25 cents each, strawberries 99 cents for big container, 1.29$ for a cantaloupe , kiwi's were cheap, hamburger buns 79 cents,  we did pretty well and stuck to the circled things on their ad that we had marked....well except for the cookies.... My daddy said my mommy is crazy for sending us to alone!,

Well, being neither one of us are crazy about running errands, we did a fine job, and had fun at the same time, listening to some gospel music and some redneck music by Blake Shelton... Chew tobacco , chew tobacco, SPIT... My daddy is loving my music!  So yes, it was about 3 hours well-spent!!!  8 things accomplished and 3 hours of Unreplaceable time together..... Each day is Unreplaceable.... Today was perfect and I can't wait to worship The Lord together tomorrow, and looking forward to my daddy going to "CELEBRATE RECOVERY" at his church with me Monday nite, Lord willing... They know how passionate I am about recovery and how important it is to fight this disease each and everyday...

All because of His AMAZING GRACE.....

IT'S QUESTION AND ANSWER TIME.....

Well, after i titled my blog as "question and answer time", i got to thinking i should of called it "you say, yet God says....."



you say:  "it's impossible"                              God says:"All things are possible" (Luke 18:27)

you say:  "I'm confused"                                God says "I will guide you into truth" John 16:13)

you say:  "I'm too tired"                                 God says "I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28-30)"
"
you say:  "Nobody loves me"                         God says "I love you" (John 3:16)

you say:  "I can't figure this out"                    God says "I will direct you" (Proverbs 3 :5-6)

you say:  "I can't go on"                                  God says  "My grace is sufficient" (2 Corinthiens 12:9)

you say  "I can't do it"                                     God says  ":You can do all things" (Philippians 4:13)

you say  "I can't forgive myself"                     God says  "I forgive you" (1 John 1;9)

you say  "I can't manage"                                 God says "I'll supply all your needs" (Phillippians 4:19)

you say  "I worried"                                          God says "Cast all your cares on me"  (1 Peter 5:7)

you say  "I'm not smart"                                  God says "I will give you wisdom". (1 Corinthians 1:30)

You say  "I'm depressed"                                  God says "I am your stronghold". (Psalms 27:1)

You say. "I'm confused".                                   God says  "I will guide you into peace". (John 16:13)

You say. "I am weak".                                       God says. "I am almighty". (Zephaniah 3:17)

You say  "I am weak".                                        God says. "Do not give up". (Galatians 6:9)

You say  " I have no peace".                               God says "I will guard your heart". (Philippians 4:7)

You say "I'm in trouble".                                     God says " I will deliver you" (Psalms 50:15)

You say. "I'm broken hearted".                             God says. "I will heal you" (Psalms 147:3)

You say " I can't find you".                                   God says " seek with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13)

You say "I am sinful"                                            God says "Sin will not master you". (Romans 6:14)

You say  "I am anxious".                                       God says. "Give me your anxiety". ( 1 Peter 5:7)

You say. "I need counsel".                                      God says. "I will instruct you". (Psalm 16:7)

You say. " I am tempted".                                       God says " resist the devil". (James 4:7-8)


                 How blessed we r that we have a way to look up and know all the right answers....

                         Because of His AMAZING GRACE......

THIS & THAT

I titled this blog "this & that" because I have a feeling it's gonna be a little bit about exactly this and that!  My mind goes faster than my fingers can type, or have the time to blog.  I thoroughly enjoy sharing my thoughts and experiences, hopes and strengths, even my not so....well ok weaknesses.  I do try to be open and let you see into me....that's been a new thing for me, because I have a huge fear of letting people into my life or letting people know me and then they just walk away....sometimes not even doing it on purpose, or meaning to, that's not as bad as literally or intentionally walking away. I know in the world of addiction, sometimes the disease is stronger than the person, not that it is becoming any easier to watch this disease take its toll, but maybe it's becoming a little more predictable.

Did I say i would apologize ahead of time for jumping from here to there and back to here? First of all it feels really good to be off the freeways and home in Missouri . Not that I didn't enjoy the things we saw along her way, not exactly my idea of beauty, yet still Gods creations and I tried keeping an open mind.
 I of coarse have enjoyed every minute with my mom and daddy .  I have always had the utmost respect and unconditional and forever amount of love for them, and yet in the last week, I have learned so many lessons from them.  They are patient, and not in a hurry... Even if they wanted to be in a hurry, their bodies won't let them.... You can't rush dialysis treatments, the intake and outtake exchange takes whatever time it needs, so lots of preparing and allowing as much time as possible.  Yet so grateful for this miracle treatment.  I know all about ( well I know some) how wonderful and artistic our God is... To of designed our bodies to such perfection, to be able to input certain about of fluid and drain off a certain amount of fluids all thru a port permanently inserted in his tummy.  Talk about great attitudes.... Well considering the alternaktive....we r blessed  that this is an option.  My mom and her back issues....God bless her....doesn't matter how severe the pain or the inability to do everyday things that We just take for granted....she continues to smile, do for others how ever she can, and what a prayer warrior she is....God is so good, He has given her the gift of sunshine, a ray of hope and happiness and
she shares that with others as it pours out of her.  Now,  I have been honored and its been a pleasure to travel back home with them.  I am absolutely fascinated with the scernery.... I honestly had no clue what and how people really  live.... Shantee's. on top of  more shantee's, not a store or gas for 100's of
miles, dirt roads, and ok we'll I'll start from the beginning...we left Manteca and drove along 99 passing thru Ceres and seeing a cattle auction going on ( brought back memories of childhood, and I definitely will go again). Drove thru Delhi where my son and his family live, Fresno was right around the corner where my brother Jeff lived for years, a graduate of Fresno Stat e am joking in journalism.  We pulled off in Delano, I believe where my daddy lived as a young- in.  We looked for his house, narrowed it down to one or two , he did say after all it was 70 years ago.  Turned off in Bakersfield onto Highway 58, our true journey was now starting....104 degrees in king an Arizona at 6:30 in the evening... No thank you!   I will admit, texted one of my cousins and said if we close to you, maybe we can have coffee in the morning....uuuummmm, the text back was ur not real close to Phoenix though.....I never said I was good with distance and geography....I meant well!  We traveled thru Arizona , on thru New Mexico, which is for the birds.... Probably not even the. It's, I did see a few black turkey buzzards...every now and then I'd see a cactus in bloom which gave me slight hope.  Then again, delapitated buildings, homes that looked vacant and boarded up, and around some places it looked l Ike the city dump or even a junkyard.  I'm sure if one car gives up, they just leave it and get another one till that one gives up.  I just imagined the rattlesnakes and tralanchlas ( u know big ugly hairy spiders), chills ran up and down my arms just thinking about them.  It was cool every now and then watching a large tumbleweed blowing in the wind, never seem to be traveling along side us, but right across in front of us.  If the tumbleweed could talk, in fact for hat matter if some of those old buildings and houses could talk, or even better if u could sit down with some people who that's all they know, the lives, the cultures, the foods,the beliefs and religions.  I couldn't help but think of my friend Angelia from UOP, we did the substance abuse program together. I have the utmost respect for
 Angelia , and I am only bringing this up in the most honorable way to her.  She grew up being bounced from home to home, foster care and not knowing her true nationality.  She was told she was Hispanic , and it wasn't until she was an adult, that she realized and was told the truth ...she was
Indian. She did some family research and actually met some of her people.  Going thru her own life issues and her journey of addiction and recovery....her passion is now in the Miwuk village working with others in this ugly disease of addiction.  Like I said, I couldn't help but think of her as I drove thru and walked among some Indians , wondering who is an addict, and if they are aware they are, I had heard it before, but she recomfirmed that it is naturally in their genes, and it is very prevailant amongest the Indians. As we drove thru their country, my mind just was on a whirlwind....I can't stop thinking of how they live, who they are, and it took me back to my hometown... Three rivers on Union Road..... Very intriguing, it be something I want to relate too just a little more.  We entered Texas.....flatlands, then onto Oklahoma....getting close to Missouri, so that's what I had on my mind....home sweet home, well my parents home and my home away from home.  We are here and there is so much to tell u about, yet for now, visiting with a neighbor, who helped us get the tv back to where wend able to watch it...u see we watched a DVD last nite, and wasn't able to get it back to normal tv.... I know I shouldn't even let anyone know how non tv control I am!!

Because of His AMAZING GRACE.......