SIMPLY & SIMPLIFY.....

As easy as it sounds, "SIMPLY & SIMPLIFY" it's not that easy!  Doesn't mean I can't try to make things Simple!  I havent been blogging much lately, and i have truly missed it.  If I made New Year's resolutions,( which I don't do that anymore) I would say I will blog more!  Still, I'm gonna give it my best and share much of my life, thoughts, ideas, and prayers on my blog site.  Again, I say writing and sharing is so theraputic.

 

 

So, where do I start.... the mind is a powerful thing, at least mine is...i can say as things come to mind i do jot them down.....I jot them down on scratch paper, a napkin, my hand, my notepad in my phone, or my favoirte writing book which the cover says it all "FAITH IN GOD INCLUDES FAITH IN HIS TIMING"

 

 

I want to share my journey with my schooling (yes, i'm done with classes, for now anyways).  I want to share the most amazing church services i attended this past week.  Share with you the two books I have been reading " too blessed to be stressed" and a Joyce Meyer book "Battlefield of the mind" .   Oh and heros of the storm and the lifes of 26 innocent people that were taken that quick.  The Birds and Blooms and The Taste of Home, (so many good home cooked meals that also soothe the soul.  Update on the "SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN" yes that would be daddy. He is a trooper that has many guardian angels and the best attitude ever!  Seemed like at first there was something wrong with the picture... Renee spent almost 2 weeks with her grandparents, then Mike, Beatriz and Viana shared some time with them also.... have to say my parents were just in heaven having them all there at the same time. oh how i wish i was there...i did get to see some pictures, the memories just resurfaced the whole time...and what great memories they are, i will share some of those soon too.  Did i mention music??  Such a huge part of my life...yes it was a sad day when my ipod broke :( well it broke as i was doing a good deed... a hit and run,( not by me of coarse) i parked and jumped out of my car to get to the guy laying in the dark, middle lane of Pershing Avenue, but my ipod got tangled in the emergency brake and i continued to get out of my car with the headphones attached to me, and actually bent my ipod... bummer!   Oh and I'm gonna be a great aunt soon.... yes Emily and Ariel are having my great nephew Gabriel Stephen Cruz.  He is pretty spoiled already.    One thing leads to another... memory after memory... a wedding, becoming a grandma, health issues,  dreams, goals, plans, ups and downs, friends and family.

 

 

So here is to 2013.... a happy, healthly, no holds back year! God is good and

because of

 

HIS AMAZING GRACE..........



HUMILITY..... THIS MAN IS VERY HUMBLE...PLEASE MEET HIM...

With just 6 more nights of class left before completing the substance abuse program, we were asked to step out of our comfort zone and either interview someone who is a different culture, religion, or actually attend a function that you would of never of imagined yourself going to outside of your comfort zone, and write a paper and share it with the rest of our class...

 

Here you have it.... a blessing for me....I always knew what humble looked like, now I know what it feels like...

 

 

The mind is a powerful thing;  the memories, the endless tasks, the entire environment, and most importanly, the people will forever be etched in my mind as long as I live.  Many wanted to know how it was and what it was like.  It was an enlightenly aswesome experience.  I do know God shows up all of the time.  In fact, He never leaves.  During the three weeks that I was a Red Cross volunteer in Louisana, shortly after Hurrican Katrina, He showed up all the time.  He showed up in small ways and sometime in BIG ways.  I considered doing my paper on this entire experience, because I could list hundreds of things that happened down there, from people I met to endless tasks I did without even thinking.  I've decided to leave this "step-out-of-comfort-zone experience" right here.  God's plans will always prevail, and I pray that I will forever continue to see His grace and mercy in my everyday life.  I have felt God's gentle nudge to do a cultral/belieft/ religion interview.

 

 

I know this is what I needed to do. ..  I am glad and blessed that I have chosen to truly get to know one of the Dentist that I work for.  I don't work for him on a daily basis, but he is one of the owners of the dental office, and I see him in passing almost every day.  I have a vague opinion and a few thoughts that i have kept to myself over the past years.  Because of these small issure, I wanted to know more.  Within an hour, I have gone way beyond my vague knowledge of this man.  In one hour of talking to him, I now know why he shaves his kids heads at 7 days old, I also know he is a very strong, dedicated, sincere, well-meaning gentleman.  I have always had high respect for him as a person and a dentist.  He not only sees or treats his patientss, he gets on their level.  He sings Barney songs to or with some of his patients, he comforts them, and reassures them that they are going to be ok.

 

This man is way more than just a great dentist, a great dad, husband and friend.  There is so much more to him.  He is a middle-aged man who was born and raised in southern California.  His roots are from Palestine, of Middle Eastern descent.  He is 100% plus faithful and very involved in the Muslim religion.  He prays five times a day, no matter where he is; the mall, work, wherever he is when its time.  He is the strenght and one of the main supporters in building their first Mosque in Manteca.  He graduated from dental school in Southern Californisa.   He takes pride and loves his work as a dentist and adores all of the children.  He is amazing with specail needs children.

 

Muslims are the second largest religious group in the world after Catholics.  The group is racially and ethnically diverse.  Unfortunately, after the terroritst attack on the World Trade Center in New York City and the Pentagon building near Washington D.C. on September 11, 2001, Muslims have been ster-typed.

 

Currently, over a billion Muslims live in Europe, Asia, Aftica and all over the world.  There are roughly forty four Islamic countries in the world.  We briefly talked about the five pillars.  The first being the profession of faith; the second pillar is prayer; the third pillar being a religious tax required of those who have enough money to give to the poor adn needy ( this is not an option but a duty from Islamic law).  The fourth pillar we talked about was Ramadon.  Every year Muslims are required to fast from sunrise to sunset during the Islamic month of Ramadon.  During this time they are to reflect on their spiritual beliefs toward those who are less fortunate then themselves.  The final pillar of Islam is pilgrimage.  During the 12th month of Islamic calendar, Muslims who are physically and financially able, and required to perform the pilgrimage to Mecca.  This needs to be done only once in a persons lifetime.  This man has taken part in this pilgrimage several years ago.

 

Muslims do not celebrate Christmas, EAster or partake in other Holidays, yet is not offended when others do.  He also does not consume any alcohol.  Actually he is not to be around others ifthey are consuming alcohol (this is for all Muslims.  When a baby is born, and on the 7th day, you are to shave the baby's head, weigh the hair, and then give money to charity as a gift back to God.  When asked if I would be welcomed into their Mosque, he said "yes, but you may be asked to cover up your hair.

 

 

The United States is not the only country where Muslims face racism and persecution due to misunderstanding of their culture and religious belief.  Most Muslims are ster-typed as either participants in or supports of terrorism.  It's a very unfortunate theory.  As I am very grateful and have a complete sense of peace, after shairng some very intimate, meaningful, heartfelt, faith, belief and culture with this man.  It doesn't matter if he dresses different , if he prays 5 times a day, shaves his children's head at 7 days old, doesn't eat port, or drink alcohol, he is very honorable, respected, upstanding citizen.  He has a huge heart, respects his fellow man and very willing to help oters however is needed.

 

Thank you sir, i actually feel like i know him well enough to occasionally call him by his first name, for being so willing, so open and hones in sharing a huge part of his life..

 

Because of His AMAZING GRACE...



WHAT'S YOUR CULTURAL DIVERSITY IQ?

Well... this was a huge eye-opener for me..... I'm in a culture/religion/belief class and Reverand French presented to us a 10 question quiz....yes, I failed! 5 right and 5 wrong....yet, I learned alot....

Let's see what your cultural diversity IQ is....

1.  During the beginning of the 20th century, most immigrants to the USA came from:
           a.  Ireland
           b.  England
           c.  Germany

2.  A language other than English is spoken in what percentage of homes in the USA?
           a.  13%
           b.  24%
           c.  6%

3.  Which of the following surnames do NOT appear on the list of the 20 most common names in
      the USA?

         a.  Martinez
         b.  Martin
         c.  Anderson
         d.  Allen
         e.  Garcia

4.  How many muslims are there in North America?

        a. 5.5 million
        b.  1 million
        c.  100,000

5.  The largest Christian denomination is:
        a.  Episcopalian
        b.  Methodist
        c.  Baptist
        d.  Roaman Catholic

6.  In 1997, the number of Hispanic-owned firms comprised what % of the nations businesses?
        a. 1%
        b. 12%
        c.  6%

7.  Between 1970-1990,, the number of children in mixed-raced families
        a.  doubled
        b.  stayed the same
        c.  quadrupled

8.   In 1955, 27% of all mothers with children under 18 wee in the labor force.  By 2001, how many
      mothers were working?
        a.  72%
        b.  50%
        c.  88%
        d.  37%

9.  Which ethnic group has the highest rate of high school completion?
       a.   African-born residents
       b.  Caribbena-born residents
       c.  Asian-born residents
       d.  American-born residents.

10.  In 2001, men made an average of $597 per week.  Hiw much did women make?
       a.  the same amount
       b.  $511
       c.  $601
       d.  $498


the answers.......1.  c                             6.  c
                          2.  A                            7.  c
                          3. D                             8.  a
                          4.  A                            9.  a
                          5.  D                           10.  b


love to hear what you got on this test..... and see how well you did on the cultural diversity iQ...I'm not bragging by all means....i will say i got 5 right... some i just had to guess on em.   After doing this assisnment, i was frustrated , and alittle ashamed I didnt know more(!  today that is) and i am definelty broadening my horizones!


Because of His AMAZING GRACE........

THANKSGIVING THOUGHTS......

Yes, Thanksgiving is my all time favorite holiday.  Don't take me wrong....I give thanks everyday, and I try to let people in my life know how thankful I am that they are a part of my life.  There is so much I am thankful for....my list is endless.  I truly know I am blessed by the best!!  Something I learned about 4 years ago is to make a list of things you are grateful for on a daily basis.  My gratitude list continues to grow.  Although I know how important it is to be thankful, I am learning the significance of it. On days I'm feeling discouraged, gloomy, yucky, or helpless, all I need to do is work on my graditude list.  By doing so, I have found that I can completely turn my attitude and how my day is going completely around , and I begin to not feel so yucky, or discouraged.    I'm feeling in my heart to make my list of things that I am thankful for... and share some of them with you.  I have a tendency to have empathy and sympathy and want to do and help others, I almost always put others needs and wants and desires before my own.  I have realized lately that this particular process doesn't always work out...so I am aware and willing to make some changes.  I've always been "a list maker", or a "honey do list".  It feels amazing to see this task or that task checked off my list, what an accomplishment!  I do have a tendency to keep many people an arm's length away, keep things brief and not let many people see into my heart, mind and soul.  Yet, I am working on that, and realize I may not " have it all together, yet together we can have it all.  I can't do this alone, so I need to take that risk and not keep people on the outskirts, so I am doing my best to let people in, let them see when, what, why and who I am.  This particular year is alittle easier than others, I seem to have more confidence, less fear.... more patience, less agitation....before i share some of the things I am thankful for, I'll talk about some Thanksgiving Traditions.

 

Once upon a time, pilgrams came to North America, killed all the natives and took control of the new world, and our forefathers decided to celebrate this.  Hurrah, feast, family, nap and Black Friday!  This concept is clearly wrong. This day is so much more than that.

 

Thanksgiving is the most traveled day of the year.  Family and friends will take trians, planes, and automobiles to gather together, celebrate and give thanks.   Every family has their certain traditions...from football to campbell's green bean casserole to catching a matine movie.  Yet if baking pies and mashing potatoes is not your forte, fear not...many resturants serve a thanksgiving dinner. 

Did you know???
The first Thanksgiving wasnt  Thanksgiving  until President Lincoln declared it a public holiday in 1863.


As families gather to carve the estimated 46 million turkeys


Thanksgiving and football?????? it's all because of a new NFL franchise purchased in 1934 and relocated from Ohio to Detroit. A game was scheduled on this day against the defending world champion Chicago Bears.  The sold out game was broadcast on NBC radio nationwide and the rest is Thanksgiving history!!

The average person consumes 3,000 calories during Thanksgiving dinner. Add extra meals and snacks the day can add up to 4,000 to 6,000 calories and could take 8 hours of moderate exercise to burn that off.

The Macy's Day parade began in 1924 with floats, professional bands, and large animals borrowed from the Central Park Zoo.  Large animal shaped ballons produced by Goodyear tire and the rubber company replaced the live animals in 1927.

41% of people make their thanksgiving dinner completely from scratch.

Over 45 million turkeys are purchased and cooked in the U.S. for Thanksgiving.

In 2010 the new Bremen Giant Pumpkin Growers baked a 20 foot diameter pumpkin pie weighing 3,699 pounds- a new world record for the largest pumpkin pie!

And... more than 40 million green bean casseroles are consumed each year on Thanksgiving.  This traditional thanksgiving side dish, usually made with green beans, canned mushroom soup and french fried onions.  It was first created in 1955 by the campbell Soup company to promote Campbell soup products.

So yes.... there are lots of thanksgiving traditions... everyone has them, some add new ones each year, some are not used the following year. So with the traditional imagine of the first Thanksgiving celebration that comes to mind includes Pilgrims, native Americans and turkey... i have so much to be thankful for.... and I know you do to... I'd love to hear some of yours, as I share someof mine:

 

*  my parents/ including in-laws..I'm thankful to be the daughter of 2 very loving, supportive people

*  my children..Mike and Renee... my life, my love, my reason to do what I'm doing

*   my friends..if i named them indivdually, from wonderful acquaintaines, to tried & true friends i list would be endless..

*  my job.... of 31 years

*  living on a farm....

*  seeing a Broadway play in New York City

*  traveling to many foreign countries

* my church family

*  a car and a roof over my head

*  being able to laugh when the going gets tough

*  knowing when to quit..I like knowing that i am able to walk away from things that don't make me happy or aren't satisfying.

*  accomplishing goals

*  good health..knock on wood

*  being an American...

*  the 4 season..i love them all (fall being my fav)

*  Sushi..the volcano is my favorite

*  sunshine...

*  the sound of rain on a roof

*  fleece... love the feeling of fleece blankets

*  lakes.. big lakes, small lakes, mountain lakes, shallow lakes, deep lakes

*  the ocean... love the smell, walk along its shores, wade in it, and just sit and stare at it

*  facebook... i never imagined I'd would do this, now I have my mom and dad doing facebook.

*  counrty music... (in fact ALL music)

*  the memories I have and no one can take from me... of my brother Jeff and I.

 

ok, ok,   i could go on all night... Renee keeps looking at me, finally she says "are you almost done with your homework?'  well.... its not my homework yet.  I'm blogging... so i still have turkey and dumplings to make tonite, well maybe!

 

 

 

So, no matter what.....no matter what happens through out the day... i will always look at my gratitude list...and continue to be oh so thankful..

 

Because of His AMAZING GRACE......



THE BOSS OR KID ROCK......

I've said it over and over, in fact I probably can't say it enough....Music is good for my soul. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in, where I'm at, what time of day it is...I love music.

 

I'm gonna try just for fun to see if I can only list my top 10 artists:

 

1.  Johnny Cash

2.  Elvis Presley

3. Kid Rock

4. Josh turner

5. Adelle

6 .Alabama

7.Conway Twitty

8.Blake Shelton

9.Michael Jackson

10.Bob Seeger

 

 

It may surprize many, but I absolutely love Kid Rock's music...not all his lyrics, but alot of them...before i start, I have to tell on my daddy....A couple of years ago, i was visiting them and we were watching the Country Music Awards...Kid Rock was one of the presenters or one of the enertainers, and my dad said "Oh that is Hank Williams Jr.son"  we just look at him..and say "What?"  He truly and honestly believes and thinks this!  It took some convincing and looking on the internet to prove him wrong!  We still love to give him a bad time, so dad just for you...Mr. Kid Rock:

 

Robert James "Bob" Ritchie (born January 17th, 1971) known by his stage name Kid Rock.  He is an American singer-songwriter, musician, multi-instrumental and rapper with 5 Grammy Awards nominations.  He plays anything from Rock, Country rock, rap, metal, heavy metal, hard rock, southern rock, heartland rock, blues rock, and hip hop.  He plays all kids of instruments and sings many duets.


Ok Ok... after hours of writing about both Kid Rock and Bruce Springsteen, I leave to take kids to the bar, come back write some more, leave again to get them from the bar and take them home.  When i get home, hit publish button on my blog and what the heck???  my blog gone!  I searched and searched with no luck, i had renee work her expertise and magic----nope, it's no where to be found, it disappeared into thin air, or i guess i should say disappered into the deleted area in the computor world.  Dang it---bummer!  You've got to be kidding me...I tell my computer how can you do this?? So. it's 3 in the morning and now I can't just drop the issue, so I start over:(

As I said earlier, I'm a huge Kid Rock fan, maybe not all of his songs or some of the lyrics...but there are some that stand out and state life so well.  The song "Amen", it tells us to "stop pointing fingers and take some blame, pull your future away from the flame.  Open up your mind and start to live, give alittle bit more than you've got to give.  Simplify, testify, identify, rectify. C'mon now....Amen, Amen.  As we sit free and well, another solider has to yell, tell my wife and children I love them in his last breath.  It's a matter of salvation from them patience up above.  So don't give up so damn easy on the one you love.  You know there is someone out there who unconditionally, religiously loves you.  C'mon now...Amen, Amen....I said Amen"

"Collide and Care" are two great duets that he sings with Sheryl Crow.  Not only did Sherly Crow sing with him, but Bob Seger played the piano in this song. 

Rock n Roll Jesus was released in 2007, this was is his firstt album to go #1.  The song "All Summer Long became a global hit.  Kid Rock became the first musician to play in a recorded concert for television at Elvis Presley's Graceland.

The song "Care" reminds me that "  can feel so helpless and confused, cause I hear screaming on the left, yelling on the right, sitting in the middle trying to live my life.  Cause, I  can't stop the war, shelter homeless, feed the poor, I can't save your sons and daughters, well I can't change the world and make things fair, but the least I can do is care.  Just know, there's a God up in heaven, sending down blessings."

When I first heard the  first few lines of "Son of Detroit" I smiled and reminiced the  whole conversation with my daddy about Kid Rock being Hank William Jr's son!  The song starts out as "I like to play Hank Williams Jr. records, just as loud as they will rock.  I'm into Lynerd Skynerd, Run DMC adn the American Pimp Kid Rock.  I like Willie, Waylon, George and Meryl and alot of ZZ Top.  I like Country, soul, rock n roll and I love me some hip hop."  So, yes dad, everytime i hear this song, i think of you!

Now, I know my brother would beg to differ and even go toe to toe with me when i compare or talk about Bruce Springsteen.  I have never known a bigger Springsteen fan aka The Boss.  I have several completely priceless ticket stubs to some of Springsteen concerts that Jeff went to.  Jeff loved music more than me.  So, I will give him that, and say he's a Springsteen fan and I'm a Kid
Rock fan!

Bruce Springsteen was born in 1949 in New Jersey,  At the age of seven, he was inspired when he saw Elvis Presley on the Ed Sullivan show.  When he was 13, he bought his first guitar for 13 dollars.
He often writes songs about his youth in New Jersey.  He has a very distintive raspy voice.  He often sings about people in the everyday struggle.  After a huge success of the "Born in the U.S.A." album, he released a more calm album "Tunnel of Love" which included songs about love lost and the challenges of love.

Springsteen as well as Kid Rock are huge Elvis fans..Springsteen said about Elvis "There have been alot of tough guys, there have been pretenders and there has been contenders, but there is only one King".  So many Springsteen songs... We mainly played his songs at Jeff's memorial service ( thank you Chuck Barney for picking out Jeff's favorite songs.  My favorite song of Bruce's is "This Little Light of Mine".  The song constantly plays in my head, and I promise you Jeff, even though my light was barely lit, had a very dim hue, I can now say.."this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, won't let Satin blow it out, I'm gonna let it shine,  won't hide it under a bushel, I'm gonna let it shine."  I pray and ask you guys to do the same, let your light shine, don't let Satin blow it out, or don't hide it under a bushel....just let it shine.

So, Jeff, I have to say we both have a good taste in music...and each song of Bruce's and Kid Rock's, I smile!  I hope you are too...

because of HIS AMAZING GRACE....
















I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN..WAIT..WAIT.. LOVE LIKE CRAZY..

It's not a secret.... music is a huge part of me...my heart, my soul, and my mind.  Can't say it's like OCD...but almost every song I hear and listen too- I always seem to relate it to my life or someone in my life.

 

I have had that song "I never promised you a rose garden" on my mind and then my mom posts pictures on her facebook page of the most beautiful garden ever!(hers)  Yet that story will come later...for tonight, I want to share the song by Lee Brice.  So, I am driving home from school and have my ipod on, and the first few lines of his song "seventeen is too young to know what loves about, they've been together fifty -eight years now, that's crazy"...( Immeditatley my mom and dad come to my mind)....."he brought home sixty seven bucks a week, he bought alittle 2 bedroom home on Maple Street  ( and yes they did live on Maple Street).  I'll share the song, and then I will share the similarities of my mom and daddy.

"Just ask how he did it, he'll say pull up a seat, it'll only take a minute to tell you everything.  Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I love you.  Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense..Never let your prayin knees get lazy, and love like crazy.  Just ask him how he made it, He'll tell you faith and sweat and the heart of a faithful women, who never let him forget. Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I love you.  Always treat your woman like a lady, never get to old to call her baby.Never let your prayin knees get lazy, and love like crazy.  They called him crazy when they started out, they've been together fifty-eight years now.....AIN'T THAT CRAZY?


This story now is about Marion Austin Reynolds born March 17th, 1940 in Bakersfield, Ca. and Alice Jeanette Bryant, born August 7th, 1940.  First, just alittle about my dad... important info that has made him the man he is today.  He was the baby of his family, in fact, his oldest sister was 18 years older than him.  I have heard many stories of how horribly spoiled he was ( and i must mention how my mom continus to spoil him!) One of my favorite stories that I love ( and it's different, depending on who's telling it!)  My dad loves to tell everyone how hard he worked in the cotton fields, picking cotton, (but his brother's story is  way different....he says he picked just enough cotton to fill his bag comfortably and then lay on it and take a nap... shoot, he didnt work! Sadly his father died when he was only 12 years old.  He played football in high school at Ceres High. He met my mom during their Junior year, when she transfered from Downey High school. 

They married in December 1958....My dad had joined the Army, and the service life took them to Ford Ord, in Seaside, Ca....then off to Alberdine Proving Grounds in Maryland. (this is where they met their best friends, Marilyn and Jim Marrs, in which they stay in touch with and see several times a year).  One of my favorite stories is whe they broke into their piggy band and went and bought a half gallon of ice-cream and some canasta,(which they still have and gave to me recently).  From here they went to Ford Eudis in Newport News, Virginia, (their first apartment was cockroach infested, they only stayed one night and found another place the very next morning.  AFter that, it was off to Fort Story, Virginia.  At this time, my mom was pregnant with my brother Jeff, dad got his orders to Greenland, but because mom was going to have a baby, they sent Jim Marrs instead, but after Jeff was born, dad was sent to Korea for 18 months, Jeff was only 6 weeks old..  The day he got home from Korea, he took Jeff to get his first haircut, because people were mistaking him for a little girl..My daddy then got a job with Sharp Army Depot, until he was hired on with the San Joaquin County Sheriff's Department, where he worked for 27 years before retiring in March 1991.  In 1963, i was born.  Now family was complete.  We continued to live in Manteca where we attended school and grew up.  We moved several times, we lived in the country for several years and raised animals and had a HUGE garden, and had horses, chickens, geese, pigs, cows and rabbits.  It was eventually more than we all wanted and in my senior year we moved again. They lived here until they retired and moved to Missouri, on Table Rock Lake.  This was their dream home.  After 10 years of living way to far from hospitals and Walmart, they moved to Springfield, MO.  They have a beatuiful home, love to work in their yard and garden, and enjoy company.


54 years wrapped up in a small nutshell...... there is so much more to both of them.  I believe anyone who knows them would agree how amazing they both are.....

The other day, i walked in from work, had just a few minutes to spare before school, and i couldnt of spent those few minutes any better way than facetiming with them.  It was priceless...my mom was sitting on the couch and as she moved the ipad around, i see my dad like upside down or something..... well, he was laying on the couch , with his head on my mom's lap!  How sweet is that?....

so yes, 54 years filled with love, fun, sharing, traveling, friends, family, working, moving, learning, agreeing, disagreeing,  but the most important of them all is love, respect and honesty.   Yet, thee most important thing out of any and all things.... it isnt just the two of them, two souls, two hearts, but it's THREE of them, you see Christ is the center of their life and love...they put their faith and love for Jesus at the very top.    Like Lee Brice said "BE A BEST FRIEND, TELL THE TRUTH AND OVERUSE I LOVE YOU, GO TO WORK, DO YOUR BEST, DON'T OUTSMART YOUR COMMON SENSE, NEVER LET YOUR PRAYIN' KNEES GET LAZY, AND LOVE LIKE CRAZY!"

To you both....dear mom and daddy...

I can't repay the lessons that you taught when I was small, or give you gift for gift the daily treasures I recall.  I can't return encouragement and loving words of praise. In quite the way you did for me through all my childhood days.  but there is one gift  that I can give, It's all the love you've earned for love is what you always taught...and love is what i learned.

Before I close, this special blog....

I just want to thank you both for always being there and knowing just what to do and knowing the words to say! Thank you for patiently listening to all my worries and stresses.  I love that you are only a phone call away or a text or a facebook or face timing! thank you for being my constant support when I didnt think i cope, thanking you for lifting my spirits and letting me know there IS hope.

I love you.....

Because of His Amazing Grace.....

I'M IN A HURRY...AND DON'T KNOW WHY....

Sometimes, you (well, i will speak for myself) I go and go and go.  Seems like I'm in a hurry and I don't know why!

No matter how light my load is for the day i feel like I'M IN A HURRY "to get it done". at this point i am singing the popular country song by Alabama,....it plays in my CD player in my car as I am pushing 80 miles an hour to get from work to home to pick up a surprize dinner that Nae made ( and yes it was so yummy Renee, thank you) to jump on 99 to crosstown freeway, to I-5 to March Lane, to UOP's other campus, to my last set of classes.

"I'm in a hurry to get things done.
oh i rush and rush until life's no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
but, i'm in a hurry and don't know why."

I think the message here might have a familar ring to many of us.  I know it sparks a recognizable cord in my mind and i have been thinking about it alot lately.  it really hit me today...why do i always feel like i'm in a rush? Just the other day, i caught myself over- analyzing my average driving speed because i knew for certain that my ability to catch red lights or millions of brake lights was a direct result of my driving speed, so do i speed up or slow down, do i take Pershing to March, or wonder if I took Country Club, which would be the fastest?

being in a hurry is a trait of many people in today's world and whether we realize it or not, it is a huge problem.  Rushing through the dishes, laundry, shopping, yard work, and even things going on at work decreases not only the quality of our actions but our overall enjoyment for the things we do each day.

So what is to be done? How can we relieve ourselves of the feeling of being in a hurry and still be able to get everything done in a day that we need to?  Over the past little while, I've been trying to implement some ideas that I've had about it, learning from friends, peers and loved ones.

I need to focus on importance, rather than speed.  I think maybe I am simply trying to gets things done as fast as i can, so i can move onto the next task. Yet, when I do this, I often miss the whole point of why I am doing something and the quality decreases as well as the fulfillment in completing it.  What i need to do is, put my mind into one task at a time,,, put everything i have into that task and do a good job at it.  Then i need to not forget to take a deep breath and move on to the next task.  I want to enjoy the process of completing each task, regardless of how big or small, how simple or difficult.

I'd guess that most people feel like me, always in a hurry.  I think I need to , but rarely do, set apart a time in each day to simply do "nothing"  Wait a minute...did i just say do "nothing" will help me be in less of a hurry?  Yes, I did... it doesn't have to be long, five to ten minutes will do. just a few minutes to calm down, and remember to breathe. Any time where i can practice disconnecting and let my mind rest.  I think I need to ponder on my feelings more and let my muscles and limbs be still.  I hear this does wonders to making me feel less stressed.

I think alot of times we are the hardest on ourselves.  Our expectations are set to high.  i think we get down on ourselves thinking about all the things that I could/should have done that day rather than focusing on what WAS accomplished.  It is very easy (at least it is for me, there i go again, speaking for others instead of just me!) to fall into this trap, and it's an important habit to break.  It's one of the leading reasons why i insist on being in a hurry because I want to avoid those feelings at the end of the day...feelings that I should of or could of gotten more accomplished.

So......to finsih the song 'I'm in a hurry and I dont know why....I rush and rush to get things done, oh I rush and rush untill life's no fun, all I really gotta do is live and die, but I;m in a hurry and dont know why.......I hear a voice that says I'm running behind, I better pick up my pace, it's a race and there ain't no room for someone in second place....I'm in a hurry to get things done...

So, several lessons learned today...Never judge a book by its cover and I know life can be hectic and rushed at times, but I feel like  I can make a difference and try to enjoy daily events, because I never know what can happen tomorow but one thing I do know.....

I know who holds tomorow...

So, I will try not to be in such a hurry



MORE FOOTPRINTS ON MY HEART...MISS VIANA

dear Viana......

 

 

last nights letter was truly from my heart to you, but today i feel like i cut it short and there is so much more to say..... and you know what baby girl....i believe there will more to say each and every day, and i always want you to know how i feel.....

 

just in the last few years, you have grown up so much, so as exciting as that is for you.... all i want to say is "never grow up"...when you first spent the night with me, we made you a bed on the floor right beside me... your little hand wrapped around my finger, i'd tuck you in and made sure the nitelight was on, or the tv.  To you, everything is fun, and you got nothing to regret, I'd give all I have, if you could stay like that......Oh viana, never grow up, don't you ever grow up, just stay this little, don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple.  I won't let anyone hurt you, won't let anyone break your heart, no, no one will desert you, just try to never grow up....Taylor Swift has the right idea...but we both know you do have to grow up! 

 

I loved the time we went to Knodts Berry Farm and rode all the rollar coasters....your giggle and laugh and even screams, i can still hear!

 

sometimes, it is too hard for you to choose......favorite colors..lets see: you have 3...pink, blue and green.  You told me the most favorite thing you like to wake up to is to say HI to bleaker... remember when i thought your birds name was Tweeker instead of bleaker... you couldnt stop laughing! You are so funny... when i asked you if you liked ice-cream or hot chocolate.... you tell me Chocolate ice-cream!  good thinking!  I know how much you love the summer time... that is so your season, water slides, swimming and no school!  So, you say when you get to have your dream car it is "a beetle"! 

 

I love  that you love your new school.... and it only took two days to completely know you were gonna be just fine.  There's just so many things i want to tell you and share with you.... gosh darn it, i uploaded or down loaded some really fun pictures, and now i cant find em!  Everyone is asleep so i cant get any help !  I had so  much fun looking thru lots of my pictures, and remebering all the great times we have had, how tall u have gotten, and how much your heart continues to love and learn.  So, I guess for now, I will say good night.... and i will continue my letter and memories of us another day... but until then just remember how much i love you....

 

because of HIS AMAZING GRACE

FOOTPRINTS ON MY HEART...MISS VIANA

This little brown eyed girl stole my heart from day 1.....

 

dear viana....

 

 

Most stories start with "Once upon a time". However, this begins in a different manner....

 

some time ago....aproximately 2 1/2 years ago, you came in to my life ....  your mommy had started dating Mike.  As much as I thought I would absolutely not fall in love with  you....., i had to tell myself dont do it silly, what if these two beautiful girls are only temporaliy in Mike's life...I  had  a fear you would leave footprints on my heart, then that's all I'd have.  Let me tell you Viana, it didnt work, it was instant bond!  I fell in love with your eyes, your smile, your heart, and your soul.  God is AMAZING...He knew the whole time, God had this in mind..  He knew Mike needed and wanted you and your mommy in his life, and God also knew You and your mommy needed Mike.  This is definetly one of God's devine intervention....He knew the 3 of you belonged together.  I love how you have opened up and feel so comfortable with all of us.

 

remember this?  We made pumkins out of rolls of tolet paper,   I love how you love crafts, and oh yes, as much halloween candy as you like!!

 

talk about being a good mommy.... i love how you love your baby doll.  And i love how when we have a slumber party, you like to sleep right next to me on the floor!

 

When I asked you who is the most important person in your life...you replied with"dont make me pick" You have so many people in your life that love you, so it's not fair of me to ask you that!

 

Omgoodness... your favoirte sound?? "tick tick ticky with your tongue, to get Tiny to come".

 

The most beautiful ballerina I've ever seen! Dancing is good for your soul, and I hope you never stop dancin

 

I know you know how blessed and lucky you are to have 2 dads who love you with all their hearts.

 

Out of all the holidays... You let me know your favorite is Christmas... not all about the gifts, the real reason we celebrate is Jesus' birthday. 

 

Yummy... i love that you love brochli and cheese.. and chocolate ice-cream and lets not forget McDonalds and Home Town Buffet...and golden Correl...they have the best desserts there! and there is nothing like cotton candy when shared!

 

 

oh and when it comes to school...PE is my favorite, and recess!  I hear you are an awesome tether ball player...you have even beat Mike at it!  When it comes to games  it's so fun to play with you!  Old Maid always makes me laugh, i cant help but laugh when you put on a surgical mask, so no one could see your expression when you either got the old maid or passed it on!

 

 

you do know that this is both of our's favorite candy bar!

 

When it comes to TV shows... it's shake it up ....CC and rocky.

 

I love how you know what you want to be with you grow up...you have a big heart and there's a special place for animals...you will make a great Vet taking car of rabbits and horses!

 

talk about girlie girls... i love getting a pedi cure with you!   asking you if you like to go barefooted or like socks and shoes ....both... i will never fogot when we took you Christmas shopping to get your mommy something, you kept saying you wanted to get her sapoto's  i had no clue what you were talking about, so you had to show us....ok got it now...shoes... your mommy taught you well, to love shoes!

 

I'm so excited that you get to fly on an airplane and go see my mommy and daddy, give em big hugs for me ok?

 

you are a great game player....trouble, candyland, Sorry, Old Maids, twister,

 

 

One less lonely girl...i know Justin Beiber is one of your favorites and you were one of the luckiest girl to go see him!



 

I loved when you sat down next me and opened up and shared some things with me.  So, the best gift you ever recieved... No hesatation with this answer:  "Tiny", my bunny rabbit, she is lovable like you, you are the best mommy to her.

 

Viana...i love that you have a heart of gold and your eyes sparkle like a star in the sky. sometimes the smallest of things we do will leave footprints on someones heart.  so, letscontinue to step lightly throughout our life, and lets leave the softest of footprints whereever we might go, for sure someone, somewhere will feel each step

 

 

I love you Viana....

 

because of His AMAZING GRACE



KIDS SAY THE DARNEST THINGS...

 

As many of you know.... Lil Miss Viana and Miss Alexis are a huge part of my life... they make me smile, they make me laugh and they make me think of the song "NEVER GROW UP".and get alittle emotional!  With the election this past week, I couldn't help but ask them "IF YOU WERE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?"  I love their responses!

 

 

Dream BIG... to see and think outside of the box...who knows,  many of us have been told by an adult in our life..."one day you might grow up to be President of the United States."  Well, its more likely that we'll be hit by lightning, or write a bestseller or even end up being #1 draft pick of the New York Yankees, but the point is that you just never know!

 

 

Sooooo...President Obama, remember what and when kids speak...let them be the voice in your head!

 

If Viana was President  of the United States she would:

 

1.  "Get my nails done"

2.  "buy a baby bulldog"

3. "give lots of money to the poor"

4.  "buy houses for the homeless"

 

You can see what a girlie girl viana is...( i'm surprized she said nothing about have all the shoes she possibly could!)  What impresses me and warms my heart the most is her big heart... the morals and standards she has already at just 7 1/2 years old. 

 

 

 

 Says a lot about her mommy and her daddy and her other dad, Mike as she refers to him.  I think she would make a great president!  I love her thought process, so innocent!

 

 

 

and this takes me to Miss Lexis.... she spent the night the eve of the election day....and she had lots to say!

 

 First things first.... Mondays and Fridays off school, along with Saturday and Sundays.... Less work days too for adults!  

2.  lower gas prices

3.  I would have more patrol..you know cops thru out the world

4.  I would make less McDonalds ( this baffles me... what 8 year old wants less McDonalds..i guess when your mommy and daddy are health conscious)

 

and the most important... stay up late and be able to sleep in as long as you want!! party all night!

 

 

 

Kids do say the darnest thing.... I love what my girls had to say....i thought I would add a few more things that i would do if I was president....." I would not help half the world, I would help the whole world...I'd say to stay strong, always remember to learn new things and never lie.  Don't forget to go to church, and keep Jesus the center of your life, and keep going for your dreams."  "I would make the world a completely safe place to live.  I will catch the bad guys, and help the poor.  The people of the earth will not be sore losers, but will sore into the sky like bottle rockets and be a success.  If I were to be presidnet, i would stop the pollution in the waters and in the air.  I will stop the abuse and bulling in the communities, and make every single person feel important and tell them....you may be just one person to the world, but you are the world to someone!  I would be sure everyone knew that if God brings you to it, He will help you through it.  i would be absolutely positive everyone knew that drugs are an equal opportunity DESTROYER, and there is a different way to live.

 

I would keep God in schools, be sure the pledge of alligence is recited everyday in the classrom, and be sure we don't judge others and the only time we looked down on someone is when you are extending your hand and helping them up. And

 

So, I agree... Viana, alexis, or myself would make a great president!

 

and because of HIS AMAZING GRACE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I BELIEVE IN YOU....

Hope is the whisper in our soul that tells us all will be well.  My voice is added to the little voice inside you that says "everything will be okay".

 

There is no secret and no doubt about how I feel about my daughter Renee....

 

Just a letter from my heart to hers.

 

 

Dear Renee.....

I love the spirit of you, the grace which you welcome each challenge.  The childlike wonder that still colors your days.  (I love to watch you with alexis and Viana...your 2 side-kicks) and how you love and play and let them know and feel they don't have a care in the world....

 

 

I love the originalty of you...your willingness to stand out from the crowd.  You've never been a follower.  I love and admire your strong morales and standards, how you're not afraid to quietly march to the beat of your drum.

 

I love your uniqueness.  Your perspective on what's happening in the world and in your life.  I love the wisdom you have for just being 27, the way you trust your intuition, your commitment to doing the right thing.

 

I so believe in you Renee...in the things that are important to you and the choices you make for yourself.  I believe that you can accomplish anything you set out to do.  You have many talents and the wisdom to use them well.

 

I know you have what it takes to face the stuff and to grow from every experience life brings your way...You have courage, compassion and character.  I love the goodness you have in your heart, the genuineness.

 

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, the strength and courage.  They say it's all in the eyes of the beholder.  I see the brave and wonderful you.  Please know I am here for you to listen, here to hug, here to laugh, cry, cuss (well, maybe not cuss), stomp or shout with you!

 

Renee, you do know God cares about every detail in your life.  He collects every tear in a bottle (Psalms 56:8)

 

He numbers every hair on your head. (Luke 12:7)

 

He knows every hurt in your heart. (Psalms 34:18)

 

He loves you, He cares for you and He will make sure not one detail is overlooked in your life.

 

So, STEP BOLDLY, LEAP HIGH, AND SOAR FREELY

 

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER NEVER GIVE UP (as Winston Churchill says).  Because I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER STOP CHEERING FOR YOU

 

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.....

 

LOVE ME....

 

because of HIS AMAZING GRACE

 

 

 



KINDRED SPIRITS,,,,,

Individually, WE are special....together WE are spectacular!

 

Two people in my life, have the most amazing spirit.  I'm gonna say it's been almost a year now since I saw them last... it was the most enjoyable 2 1/2 hours that we spent together.  Yes, the Mexican food was yummy, but the conversation and catching up was priceless. 

 

Like branches on a tree, we may grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one.  Each of our lives will always be a special part of the other. These two people are my Uncle Gary and aunt Joella.  They are full-time RV'ers.  They travel the United States in there home on wheels, and my Uncle Gary's goal is to catch a fish in every state.

 

Talk about talent, both of them play the guitar and sing,  They truly love the Lord, and not just talk the talk, but they walk the walk.  They love little Bryant... their only grandson who is 3 years old.  They love how he shares, how he cares, how he has such a huge vocabulary, and how he is all boy!  My uncle Gary is an avid fisherman ( and I can't help but think of the song "I will make you fisher's of men).

 

The times we shared with one another tonight, was priceless.  We talked about\their travels and ours.  New York, Washington DC, Canada, Oregon and so on and so on, i love hearing where they went or where they are planning to be next!

 

We always have such an amazing time with them.  When I look at my uncle Gary, I see my papa... he is his fathers son to the tee! He has a heart of gold, he makes me smile, and i love when he laughs, his heart is overflowing with love.  He is a family man,loves his wife, loves his kids, loves the Lord, and he is just like my mom an angel on earth! 

 

So, do I love my Uncle Gary and Aunt Joella?  YES I DO!!!!!  and I love the time I get to spend with them.... and I want to have their demeanor...kind, loving, calm, gentle, and so sincre.

 

I love you both!

 

Because of His AMAZING GRACE....

 

 

 

 



ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE......

 

However you want to look at life.....just know that you can't lose.  You cant go wrong. It's not part of the plan.  There's no way not to get where you are going.  There's no way to miss your destination...IF GOD IS YOUR TARGET, YOU'RE IN LUCK, BECAUSE GOD IS SO BIG, YOU CAN'T MISS.

 

 

 

TODAY... I heard something, and I felt some peace, and I shared it with over 150 people, hoping they too would feel some peace.  I have this written down on my school binder, so I will be reminded at times when i feel i'm struggling or overwhelmed.  I truly believe "GOD GIVES YOU ENOUGH GRACE...FOR WHATEVER YOU FACE"  I hold onto that, and have repeated it and repeated it tonight.  Sometimes, it is a simple statement like that, yet it's so powerful... and can make a world of difference! I also know and believe and its been a true testament in many people's lifes...."GOD WON'T BIRNG YOU TO IT WITHOUT HELPING YOU THROUGH IT."

 

I see the world of addiction as a mainly quiet battle.  It's fought daily.  I fight and win by acting and living in a spiritual way.  I fight and win everytime I help a friend, go to meetings, or read about how to improve my life.  I move slowly but always forward.  Rushing will only tire me out.  (I love that song by Alabama.. it says "We rush and rush and don't know why, all you got to do is live and die,...I'm in a hurry and don't know why). My battle will go on for life.  I am a quiet fighter, but strong, for I don't fight alone, I have amazing people in my life. Praise God for that.

 

In reaching out to others and letting them know I care, I have discovered that I am really helping myself.  It doesn't mean I am willing to put myself or my recovery at risk, but it does mena that I need to be willing to carry the message and I need to be willing to help others and show them I care.

 

i am pretty open with people about being a recovering addict, even though some people don't get it.  This may ring true for other recovery addicts when i admit i have an inability to share my emotions and feelings with others.   Just think, it is very posible that someone has or will gain the insight right here that helps them either start or continue with their recovery.  What you do now, could very well save a life, it may sound dramatic,, but it is very true because we all know how many times the story of addiction ends very bad.  And by helping even if only one, thats huge!

 

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE.... Today my list of things i'm grateful for goes on for miles....I will try to keep it brief today...

for people who say "I love you"

my job

my family

for all the luxuries in my life

sunrises and sensets

the most loving and caring heart

my health

friends

simplicity

and

laughter

honesty

Omgoodness.... i have a million things i am grateful for....

 

Because of HIS AMAZING GRACE...



BOO......

 

 

Happy Halloween!

 

Not one of my favoirte days..... i just dont like to be scared, (but I do like the candy!)   I can say I enjoy seeing all the kids dressed up, saying Trick or Treat.  My dog Ellie loves all the kids too... if we let her, she would follow each one of them home!  Not only does she love them, they love her!

 

Did I say i don't like to be scared?  I'll say it again, just in case! I DON'T LIKE TO BE SCARED!!

Yet, I will admit I do like to scare others or watch someone be scared!  All in fun that is.... not the type of scared that puts them in danger. 

 

 

Let's see.....

 

 

One time, i will never forget....

 

It was pretty late at night, I was enjoying my scrapebooking time, and i was facing my large picture window that looks out into my backyard, and all of a sudden there was this face smashed against the window, which had a hoodie on...once i made eye contact, he pounded with his fists on the window.  Yes, I screamed, and said a few choice words.... He (Gilbert Martinez) laughed and laughed and laughed some more!  I told him he could never come back..LOL, and i told him, I don't get mad, i just get even! now i can laugh about it!

 

 

Another ......

On a cruise ship with our best friends.... we had just watched the night time show and were sitting around deciding if we were gonna play bingo or do this or that.  I said I wanted to go back to our room and change first.  So I head to the elevators and go down a few stories.  I have my key and I let myself into our cabin.... just a few steps in... and OMG, someone or something grabbed my leg from underneath the bed... talk about scream and scream.... people's cabin doors were opening one right after another, ( to see what was going on!)  I was not happy, in a panic mode and pretty soon my fear turned into anger!  Ok.. so when i say i need to go back to the cabin and change, My really special friend decided to take the stairs instead of elevator, he literally flew down the stairs...hid under the bed and as i walked into a dark cabin... there was one of the scariest moments of my life.  I dont' believe Harlen Wilson has been re-paid back for that special moment of bloody screams !  Never say never... so when you least expect it Harlan!

I'm not one who enjoys being scared... yet I at times think its funny to scare others or watch others reaction.

In San Fransico, there is or was this man that would hide behide a a bush , and as people would walk by down near the pier, he would jump out at them  with his moble bush...people would jump a mile.  I could watch this all day long!

Well, I'm an easy to scare person... yet my excuse is " you can't scare me, cuz my heart won't be able to stand it!"

Most have similar reactions,,,, a gasp, a yell, a jump, a promised payback!  One of the best ones is to knock lightly on front door, let yourself in, and if they are in the shower to simpliy just open up the shower door! No need to holler or even say BOO.... just stand there... The reaction is priceless.... and everytime you think about it, you smile, giggle or relive it and laugh really hard! I never imagined

Ok, Ok...no  more  scary times,,,,,I much perfer happy times! and i promise not to scare you, if you promise not to scare me!!!


Because of HIS AMAZING  GRACE.....

EVER MAKE A MISTAKE?????

It's been along haul.... since July 9th....my Monday thru Thursday nights taken up by the Substance Abuse Counsoling Program at UOP.  I have no clue how I am doing this, well actually I do: Phillipians 4:13 " I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength"

I have learned more than i ever imagined!  I have been able to take a look at myself... my weakness's, my strength's, empthany, sympathy, boundaries, the laws, communicable diseases, co-occuring disorders, treatment planning, did i mention English?.. fragments, run-ons, verbs verbs and verbs!  How to facilitate groups, that's where we are now.... i know its a matter of time and Dr. Kirkwood is gonna put me on the spot, i better get prepared!( and that reminds me... a 4 page term paper due in a week, maybe i should get started!)  Oh and i feel like i have, well i know i have made some new friends...Damian, Eddie, Ronnie, Cynthia, Joe, angelina,Celeste, Nancy, Steve  (who knows, maybe our professional paths will cross).  I have also learned that we are all human and most of us are too hard our ourselves....we are our own worst critic, so we need to be kind and give ourselves a break.  So that brings me to "EVER MAKE A MISTAKE?"




Why do we heap blame upon ourselves whenever we make a mistake?  Is it human nature or is there something else going on here?  Maybe it's a residual effect of our chronic addiction, of years of self-neglect and self-destruction that's resulted in our total lack of belief in ourselves.  Sure, we've made some mistakes.  Who hasn't?  Does that mean that we should drag out the list of all our failures and constantly go over them, making ourselves even more miserable in the process? What good does that do?

The fact is that mistakes happen.  Some occur because we've taken shortcuts, eager to get to the desired outcome that much quicker.  Some happen because we lack a vital piece of information needed to complete the job.  Other mistakes take place because we haven't attained a certain skill the task requires.  Why beat ourselves up over these things?  Instead look at what didn't go the way we planned or anticipated or even the way we believe something was supposed to happen and make the necessary revisions?

One reason so many people give up is they harbor the mistaken belief that they'll never get it right., that they've always been failures and they're destined to continue to fail.  With that kind of a mindset, is it any wonder that so many people stop short of achieving their full potential?  Still, it doesn't have to be this way.  There are things we can do, very practical things, to help us gain more self-confidence, and not be so hard on ourselves.  It simply doesn't do us any good.  And we all know that we can use all the help we can get, so really it is counter-productive to focus on what we've failed at rather than what we can do.

A piece of advise that was given to me once was to seek the support of others who may be able to offer suggestions that may help us as we tackle certain tasks or projects.  I have found this is especially true if what we're trying to accomplish or deal with is overcoming a problem or issue that's common in early recovery, such as dealing with persistent cravings and urges, finding a job, mending relationships, or even how to communicate more effectively.  i can say I have been so blessed with all the people in my life.... and yes my first sponsor Lou, and current sponsor Tina (love you both)

It is important that we don't let pride stand in the way of us trying our best to learn what we can from others who freely offer suggestions.  We don't have to do exactly what others have done, but we can certainly see what we can learn from their experience.  Is this some common threads between what they went through and what we've experienced that we can draw a parallel to.

Making mistakes, if we allow them to derail our progress, will result in us being stagnate.  We will be giving the mistakes a power that they don't deserve.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Some of us build them into a mountain that we're afraid to climb, let alone have the courage to find alternate routes around.  This also means that, far from trying anything new, we'll tell ourselves that we've gone as far as we can possibly go.  We rationalize that we're just meant to be where we are and that we can't go beyond this point.

But, i believe that's alot of nonsense!  Trying new things, even after making a mistake and experiencing a disappointment, can help us broaden our world view and has the added benefit of giving our self-confidense a much needed boost. Just think Thomas Edison tried over 700 times before he knew how not a light bulb worked.  He never failed.  And can't we all use a little more encouragement in our lives?  So, I challenge you to make it a point to look at what is possible, rather than looking backward and regretting your mistakes.  Life is after all, an unending learning experience.  There is so much that life has to offer, but we just need to give ourselves permission to learn and grow and evolve. One of my instructors told us if we don't learn something new each day, we might as well die. Believe me, it won;t come without sacrifices of time, energy and yes making some sense of our mistakes so that we have a better  more workable plan to go forward.  but this is what life is all about...the chance to take what is and transform it into what we want it to be.

So, I challange you to get started today.  Instead of looking for why we can't succeed, look at what you can do.  Start small with reasonably achievable goals.  Make an effort to keep going and not giving up at the first sign of difficulty or whenever we encounter a minor roadblock.  Please know we will all have those roadblocks.  It jsut means we need to use our creativity to find alternate solutions, to design a different strategy or approach.  Good things will happen when we keep going , and when we do the next right thing, even when no one is looking. Let's be determined to find the promise that we know is really there. And never forget... make this your motto, place in on a sticky note where you will see it every day.  In fact, place it in more than one place, your mirror in the bathroom, on the frig, on ur dashboard in the car, ur place of employment....Phillipians 4:13.." I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength"


because of HIS AMAZING GRACE....


YOU CAN'T...BUT I CAN...

I have tried this before.... the desire is there, yet the words wouldn't flow and the strenght and courage just wasn't powerful enough.... but I feel like it's ok now, so I will try again.

 

Not many know my story... well I take that back....there are some that do... a few that truly KNOW my story.  I am who I am today because of it. 

 

Seems like just when I think I can share my inner most thoughts and feelings... something inside me says keep it simple... the past is the past, and thats not who you are today.  Today I have an amazing support group, lots of people who care and truly care!  There's always that fear though that there will be some people out there that don't get it, may judge, may question, and then may place expectations that I may not be able to live up too.  Yet.... on the other hand, I strongly feel that I am being led by my God to share my story... my hopes, strengths and experinces.  So, throughout this blog/ ( a true journey) I hope even one little thing I say, will be something that you can take with you, learn from it or pass it on to someone eles. 

 

Not sure where exactly I should start... first let me expalin the title of "YOU CAN'T... BUT I CAN". No matter how desepate someone is, you can't make someone get clean or stay clean and sober, but they can!

 

For the most part, I am pretty open with people about being a recovering addict.  I try to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.  I'm not one to point fingers or offer advise, but if someone approches me or asks for advise or opioion.. then I will share
 

 

I have lived a very simple and content life.  I had the house with green grass and a white picket fence, a dog, a boy and a girl, a great job, and so much to be thankful for. A childhood that was picture perfect, an adult life that was full of blessings and opportunities. I have never been in the backseat of a police car,(except my dad's) never been inside of a jail, until maybe 3 years ago ,never lost my job, never lost any possesions, or relationships... and I am grateful for all that.

Almost 4 years ago, my life was turned upside down....the unthinkable, unimaginable, the loss of my brothers life.  I knew i was next, i was well on my way, but with the love of my parents, my kids and greg, and many othes people i was able to finally address and admit I was an addict and needed some help.  Never an illegal drug....yet the mix of a little of this and little of that ( all sleep aids and anxiety)....all prescribed but ALL BAD for me anyways.  I knew the time had come, and i'm grateful my mom was there with me when i was first told by a specialist that it was obvious and a definite drug addiction.  So what to do now?  I decided to go to Missouri and get away from everything and simply take care of this so called addiction.  At this point I just thought i had a dependency on these prescriptions, not me, no way could i be an addict....addicts were junkies, addicts couldn't stop, addicts lost everything, addicts slammed, smoked and snorted.... for goodness sakes all i did was take a few pills, and didn't you know they came from a pharmacy with my name printed on them.  What's the big deal??? The big deal was I was no different... I was an addict, regardless.  So I decided to put  the pills in my dads hands, all of us knowing i had to stop.  Too many side affects, face went numb, hallocenations, sweats, physically sick.  After speaking with a few pharmacists and doctors, it was not something that was safe without being directly under a doctors care.  I had no other choice.... I needed professional care.  January 19th, 2009... I checked myself into a residental treatment center.  This was not an easy step for me, but I knew it was the step I had to make....My time and experience there is a whole other blog...i will simply say those 30 days saved my life, along with amazing love and support from everyone that knew me, and most important my loving, compassionate, forgiving God.  This was definitely a devine intervention.  My God had other plans for me.  So, i will leave it at this until until i have the courage to relive those 30 days.  I will say....I don't regret the decision I made, it has been a really long journey, but a positive one.  The people I have met, the things I have learned, the courage and strenght bestowed upon me, the passion to help others and mainly to have another chance at life.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't give thanks to God, a day that I don't take for granted, a day that I dont learn something new, or a day that I don't miss my brother Jeff.

So for now, I won't go into much more detail about my hopes, strenghts,and experiences, but I will share a story from an addict still in their addiction.  I hope it helps families and friends/loved ones of addicts.

The letter begins......

You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be.  But until I want it, I won't be.  You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself, I won't be.  I know you must wonder how I can learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life-style of self hatred and self-destruction.  I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes.  I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices.  Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need to learn.  I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself.  I know you want to jump in and save me.  This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see, although I look like and sound like your loved one, I am not.  That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction.  The main focus of an addict is to feed the addiction.  Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me falls prey to my addiction giving the addiction more power to shackle me down a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough. So, please don't help me. The only way for the real me to get free is to be free.  FREE to fall as far down as i need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back.  To break free.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder----

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction, is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery.  by MYSELF.

By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom".  By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find my way back.  You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself.  It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself---the more I will start to do better myself, but I myself, must do this.

I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life.  I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use.  The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away.  I can't reach it, you are blocking me from it.

I know you love me and you only want what's best for me---but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best, causing you to act out of fear and from emotions.

Please for my sake let me go and move out of the way.  Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me----as far down as i have to reach rock bottom.  Don't try to cushion the fall.  Just believe in me and trust the process.  Pray for me that when I do hit---it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead ( I know that is your greatest fear),  but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live their life clean and sober.


signed.... an addict who needs recovery....

Just remember YOU CAN'T....BUT I CAN

I hope just one thing strikes a cord, holds a special spot in your heart, helps you realize or you learn to just trust the process, and turn it over to God, and get out of the way.  Please know, God will do for us, what we can't do for ourselves.

Because of His AMAZING GRACE......