I have tried this before.... the desire is there, yet the words wouldn't flow and the strenght and courage just wasn't powerful enough.... but I feel like it's ok now, so I will try again.
Not many know my story... well I take that back....there are some that do... a few that truly KNOW my story. I am who I am today because of it.
Seems like just when I think I can share my inner most thoughts and feelings... something inside me says keep it simple... the past is the past, and thats not who you are today. Today I have an amazing support group, lots of people who care and truly care! There's always that fear though that there will be some people out there that don't get it, may judge, may question, and then may place expectations that I may not be able to live up too. Yet.... on the other hand, I strongly feel that I am being led by my God to share my story... my hopes, strengths and experinces. So, throughout this blog/ ( a true journey) I hope even one little thing I say, will be something that you can take with you, learn from it or pass it on to someone eles.
Not sure where exactly I should start... first let me expalin the title of "YOU CAN'T... BUT I CAN". No matter how desepate someone is, you can't make someone get clean or stay clean and sober, but they can!
For the most part, I am pretty open with people about being a recovering addict. I try to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. I'm not one to point fingers or offer advise, but if someone approches me or asks for advise or opioion.. then I will share
I have lived a very simple and content life. I had the house with green grass and a white picket fence, a dog, a boy and a girl, a great job, and so much to be thankful for. A childhood that was picture perfect, an adult life that was full of blessings and opportunities. I have never been in the backseat of a police car,(except my dad's) never been inside of a jail, until maybe 3 years ago ,never lost my job, never lost any possesions, or relationships... and I am grateful for all that.
Almost 4 years ago, my life was turned upside down....the unthinkable, unimaginable, the loss of my brothers life. I knew i was next, i was well on my way, but with the love of my parents, my kids and greg, and many othes people i was able to finally address and admit I was an addict and needed some help. Never an illegal drug....yet the mix of a little of this and little of that ( all sleep aids and anxiety)....all prescribed but ALL BAD for me anyways. I knew the time had come, and i'm grateful my mom was there with me when i was first told by a specialist that it was obvious and a definite drug addiction. So what to do now? I decided to go to Missouri and get away from everything and simply take care of this so called addiction. At this point I just thought i had a dependency on these prescriptions, not me, no way could i be an addict....addicts were junkies, addicts couldn't stop, addicts lost everything, addicts slammed, smoked and snorted.... for goodness sakes all i did was take a few pills, and didn't you know they came from a pharmacy with my name printed on them. What's the big deal??? The big deal was I was no different... I was an addict, regardless. So I decided to put the pills in my dads hands, all of us knowing i had to stop. Too many side affects, face went numb, hallocenations, sweats, physically sick. After speaking with a few pharmacists and doctors, it was not something that was safe without being directly under a doctors care. I had no other choice.... I needed professional care. January 19th, 2009... I checked myself into a residental treatment center. This was not an easy step for me, but I knew it was the step I had to make....My time and experience there is a whole other blog...i will simply say those 30 days saved my life, along with amazing love and support from everyone that knew me, and most important my loving, compassionate, forgiving God. This was definitely a devine intervention. My God had other plans for me. So, i will leave it at this until until i have the courage to relive those 30 days. I will say....I don't regret the decision I made, it has been a really long journey, but a positive one. The people I have met, the things I have learned, the courage and strenght bestowed upon me, the passion to help others and mainly to have another chance at life. There's not a day that goes by that I don't give thanks to God, a day that I don't take for granted, a day that I dont learn something new, or a day that I don't miss my brother Jeff.
So for now, I won't go into much more detail about my hopes, strenghts,and experiences, but I will share a story from an addict still in their addiction. I hope it helps families and friends/loved ones of addicts.
The letter begins......
You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be. But until I want it, I won't be. You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself, I won't be. I know you must wonder how I can learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life-style of self hatred and self-destruction. I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need to learn. I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see, although I look like and sound like your loved one, I am not. That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of an addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me falls prey to my addiction giving the addiction more power to shackle me down a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough. So, please don't help me. The only way for the real me to get free is to be free. FREE to fall as far down as i need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back. To break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder----
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction, is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. by MYSELF.
By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom". By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find my way back. You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself---the more I will start to do better myself, but I myself, must do this.
I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it, you are blocking me from it.
I know you love me and you only want what's best for me---but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best, causing you to act out of fear and from emotions.
Please for my sake let me go and move out of the way. Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me----as far down as i have to reach rock bottom. Don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in me and trust the process. Pray for me that when I do hit---it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead ( I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live their life clean and sober.
signed.... an addict who needs recovery....
Just remember YOU CAN'T....BUT I CAN
I hope just one thing strikes a cord, holds a special spot in your heart, helps you realize or you learn to just trust the process, and turn it over to God, and get out of the way. Please know, God will do for us, what we can't do for ourselves.
Because of His AMAZING GRACE......
Almost 4 years ago, my life was turned upside down....the unthinkable, unimaginable, the loss of my brothers life. I knew i was next, i was well on my way, but with the love of my parents, my kids and greg, and many othes people i was able to finally address and admit I was an addict and needed some help. Never an illegal drug....yet the mix of a little of this and little of that ( all sleep aids and anxiety)....all prescribed but ALL BAD for me anyways. I knew the time had come, and i'm grateful my mom was there with me when i was first told by a specialist that it was obvious and a definite drug addiction. So what to do now? I decided to go to Missouri and get away from everything and simply take care of this so called addiction. At this point I just thought i had a dependency on these prescriptions, not me, no way could i be an addict....addicts were junkies, addicts couldn't stop, addicts lost everything, addicts slammed, smoked and snorted.... for goodness sakes all i did was take a few pills, and didn't you know they came from a pharmacy with my name printed on them. What's the big deal??? The big deal was I was no different... I was an addict, regardless. So I decided to put the pills in my dads hands, all of us knowing i had to stop. Too many side affects, face went numb, hallocenations, sweats, physically sick. After speaking with a few pharmacists and doctors, it was not something that was safe without being directly under a doctors care. I had no other choice.... I needed professional care. January 19th, 2009... I checked myself into a residental treatment center. This was not an easy step for me, but I knew it was the step I had to make....My time and experience there is a whole other blog...i will simply say those 30 days saved my life, along with amazing love and support from everyone that knew me, and most important my loving, compassionate, forgiving God. This was definitely a devine intervention. My God had other plans for me. So, i will leave it at this until until i have the courage to relive those 30 days. I will say....I don't regret the decision I made, it has been a really long journey, but a positive one. The people I have met, the things I have learned, the courage and strenght bestowed upon me, the passion to help others and mainly to have another chance at life. There's not a day that goes by that I don't give thanks to God, a day that I don't take for granted, a day that I dont learn something new, or a day that I don't miss my brother Jeff.
So for now, I won't go into much more detail about my hopes, strenghts,and experiences, but I will share a story from an addict still in their addiction. I hope it helps families and friends/loved ones of addicts.
The letter begins......
You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be. But until I want it, I won't be. You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself, I won't be. I know you must wonder how I can learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life-style of self hatred and self-destruction. I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need to learn. I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see, although I look like and sound like your loved one, I am not. That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of an addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me falls prey to my addiction giving the addiction more power to shackle me down a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough. So, please don't help me. The only way for the real me to get free is to be free. FREE to fall as far down as i need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back. To break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder----
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction, is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. by MYSELF.
By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom". By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find my way back. You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself---the more I will start to do better myself, but I myself, must do this.
I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it, you are blocking me from it.
I know you love me and you only want what's best for me---but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best, causing you to act out of fear and from emotions.
Please for my sake let me go and move out of the way. Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me----as far down as i have to reach rock bottom. Don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in me and trust the process. Pray for me that when I do hit---it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead ( I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live their life clean and sober.
signed.... an addict who needs recovery....
Just remember YOU CAN'T....BUT I CAN
I hope just one thing strikes a cord, holds a special spot in your heart, helps you realize or you learn to just trust the process, and turn it over to God, and get out of the way. Please know, God will do for us, what we can't do for ourselves.
Because of His AMAZING GRACE......
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