IRONIC......

`50 BLOGS.....

 

I find this kind of ironic....when I counted my new blog topics I've listed or started, but I haven't completed....there were 50 of them! I don't know, just weird, turn 50 and have 50 blog topics.  I very seldom go anywhere that I don't have a pad of paper just in case a thought comes to me. (seems to bug people that I do this, but it's me and what I chose to do)  Sometimes I have writers block, well maybe.  Maybe the real reason is when I don't want to feel, I don't write. Can't write.  Again, I don't know.  I haven't figured out if I stop because I lose interest in what I was saying (I don't think so, cuz my brain is constantly going) or it didn't feel authentic, and if it doesn't feel authentic, what's the point.  Honestly, I think it's because my brain works faster than I can start to finish things, without having another idea, another something laid on my heart. 

 

Since I have started blogging a little over a year ago and something 160 some blogs later, I've lost some friends to this ugly disease of addiction, yet gained some amazing friends and reconnected with some old friends, my dog died, got a new puppy, went to college, got my license as a substance abuse counselor, had some major changes at my job of 32 years, watched my son marry the love of his life and started a family of his own, my daughter finished school and passed state boards for court reporting, with lots of tears and heartaches, footprints of love placed on my heart and promise after promise to all be fake and false,  was blessed to be able to drive home with my parents and spend a month with them in their home and help them with some health issues,  and help plant their garden and flowers.  It just amazes me what can happen in a year, what you can see in a year, what you can do in a year.  I don't think I've been in a place (ok, maybe I have) where I haven't wanted to write about something, just some things are hardest to express than others.  The hardest part is starting, after that, it just flows.  Most of the things and changes have turned out for the good.  I think through all the ups and downs, my hope became unsteady just for a minute, maybe not wanting to face some of it.  Some of it has been a bit of a haze.  I always thought I was self aware and there were definitely moments I truly was.  I am so grateful that i was able to be present in my own skin.  I didn't have to numb the feelings or numb the fear of not knowing the next step, numb the not feeling worthy of anything great to come my way.  I mean after all...I do have lots of amazing things come my way.

 

I saw this quote on facebook and it was just what I needed..."expect to have hope rekindled.  Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways.  The dry seasons in life do not last, the spring rains will come again."  I love this quote.  When things are not going our way or so peachy, our hopes can  so easily vanish.  In the dry seasons of life it's more difficult to expect blessings.  Those are the times I have to take a timeout and remind myself that since God is who He says He is, He will do what He says He will.  There is no doubt!

 

Sometimes faith can be wavering for a short moment, short lived. We need to show up in our own life.  Everyday.  Because this is it.  A lot of us just keep waiting , waiting for something to happen.  Funny though, it turns out that it already has happened, and keeps happening.  This is all part of it.  The not knowing, the uncertainty, the doubts, the hopes, the fears, the disappointments, the joys, the mistakes.  It all gets you to the next right place.  It wasn't very long ago that some wise person said to me and it seemed so important yet so effortless.  They said " it takes every ounce of your past and present to get you to your future"  I whole-heartedly believe that!  I also believe that man sees what we do...but God knows why we do it.  Just do the right thing!

 

So in the meantime.....we need to keep trusting, because this is our life.  I know I want to show up for it and I want to see how my story continues to unfold.

 

 

All Because of His Amazing Grace.....