Today is one of two of the most difficult days of the entire year for me.......I turned 50 two days ago, and Jeff turns 53 today. For as long as I can remember, we shared our birthday parties....I can't exactly remember party themes, but I can remember the cakes our Aunt Nora would make each one of us....decorated exactly as we wished. I can still see the images of Jeff and I in our swimsuits, getting out of our pool on Lupton Street and everyone circling around us singing Happy Birthday to us and both blowing out the candles at the same time...naturally he had 3 more candles than me, and always still seemed to blow them out first! Probably because he was full of hot air!! lol!
I have dreaded this day all year, knowing myself and how I feel, yet my mom being here with me has made this day so much easier. Her words were very comforting and the prayers we prayed did bring some comfort. We both admitted that we miss him terribly and this world is missing one less amazing person, yet he is in a way better place than we are, and someday we will be reunited with him in heaven.
I love remembering all the good times we had, how he loved Memphis, music, bar-b-q, watching his son Nick play basketball, Cajun cooking, writing for the newspaper, his yard including tomatoes, peppers, and flowers. He loved being married and being a dad. He had many friends, loved photography, loved writing, loved the holidays and family time! oh yes, he loved being a big brother! He loved playing tricks on me, holding me down and hanging a loogy out of his mouth over my face, sucking it back in just in time! oh and smashed my hand in the car door once, scaring me each chance he got, teasing me that I was adopted, and anything eles I would be gulable about! Yet many big brother protect little sister memoires too! showed me the ropes my freshman year, would never let anyone throw me in a trash can, wanted me in yearbook with me and even introduced me to some of "his friends" yes, I had a crush on Mark, i will admit!
Jeff loved the Lord, there was no doubt...I mean after all he sang a solo on one of our road trips "do Lord or do Lord, do you remember me?" Not that he wanted to sing it, but on one of our road trips, we each had to sing a song, and this is what he chose! On a serious note...we came across his Bible that momma and daddy gave him dated August 20th, 1971. There was a homework assignment in his Bible, he had to make a poster regarding "Peace on earth". He wrote "peace and quiet, dark away from the rat race, no pollution, no smog.....it would be nice to live out there with no wars and poverty. You wouldn't have to live in constant danger or being killed, no draft cards being burnt. its the law, a good man obtains favor of the Lord but a man of wicked devices will be condemned." Proverbs 12:2 No doubt in my mind that Jeff is walking the streets of gold and was welcomed with "Well done good and faithful servant." I do look forward to the day we will be reunited.
For anyone in my life I have to say The last four years have been much more difficult than I ever imagined.....suffering a devastating unexpected loss of my brother..... Jeff was taken way to soon. We all grieve in different ways and realizing that it would take months and even years to recover, or maybe never. I realize that the process of grieving is messy and it can last longer than anticipated. I hope you realize that I will still cry from time to time. I still don't apologize for my tears, since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith. I would just like to thank you for being my friend and continuing to support me. Even though its been almost five years, I still appreciate your prayers. At times I may be angry for no appropriate reason, sometimes I'm not sure why, all I know at times my emotions are intense because of my grief. I may not make sense to you, please continue to be forgiving and patient with me, and if I repeat myself again and again, please accept this as normal. Your presence and understanding means so very much. You still don't have to know what to say or even say anything, just a caring glance, a warm hug, or a listening ear speak volume to my heart. Please don't wait for me to call, since a lot of time I feel overwhelmed, and if I withdraw, please don't let me do that very long. I have come along way over the past nearly 5 years. Yet, the pain is still so painful, and it is one of the worst things that have ever happened to me, but I know I will survive and continue to recover. I cling to that knowledge, even though there has been times when I didn't feel it, I know I won't always feel as I do now. I am working on letting go of the emotions and self guilt and trying not to continue to beat myself up. Laughter and joy has emerged slowly back into my life, and I know it will continue to emerge. Please know I still don't need fixing....that is God's job! I have to say though... your love, patiences and prayers continue to substain me through those times. God is faithful. He is my substaining grace. I pray that God still uses this time of grieving to help me continue to grow and to equip me to minister and help others with greater passion than ever before. The Lord has blessed me and I was given the opportunity for a second chance in life. I was in a spot where I really shouldn't be here today, but I know God had a different plan for me, and I won't waste a single opportunity given to me to help myself and to help others.
So, Jeff, thank you for all the wonderful memories, happy birthday and this is for you!! If I can make the difference in just one persons life, I will continue to share our story...because I know its what you'd want.....
Happy Birthday....I Love you and I miss you...and you will live forever in my heart!
I have dreaded this day all year, knowing myself and how I feel, yet my mom being here with me has made this day so much easier. Her words were very comforting and the prayers we prayed did bring some comfort. We both admitted that we miss him terribly and this world is missing one less amazing person, yet he is in a way better place than we are, and someday we will be reunited with him in heaven.
I love remembering all the good times we had, how he loved Memphis, music, bar-b-q, watching his son Nick play basketball, Cajun cooking, writing for the newspaper, his yard including tomatoes, peppers, and flowers. He loved being married and being a dad. He had many friends, loved photography, loved writing, loved the holidays and family time! oh yes, he loved being a big brother! He loved playing tricks on me, holding me down and hanging a loogy out of his mouth over my face, sucking it back in just in time! oh and smashed my hand in the car door once, scaring me each chance he got, teasing me that I was adopted, and anything eles I would be gulable about! Yet many big brother protect little sister memoires too! showed me the ropes my freshman year, would never let anyone throw me in a trash can, wanted me in yearbook with me and even introduced me to some of "his friends" yes, I had a crush on Mark, i will admit!
Jeff loved the Lord, there was no doubt...I mean after all he sang a solo on one of our road trips "do Lord or do Lord, do you remember me?" Not that he wanted to sing it, but on one of our road trips, we each had to sing a song, and this is what he chose! On a serious note...we came across his Bible that momma and daddy gave him dated August 20th, 1971. There was a homework assignment in his Bible, he had to make a poster regarding "Peace on earth". He wrote "peace and quiet, dark away from the rat race, no pollution, no smog.....it would be nice to live out there with no wars and poverty. You wouldn't have to live in constant danger or being killed, no draft cards being burnt. its the law, a good man obtains favor of the Lord but a man of wicked devices will be condemned." Proverbs 12:2 No doubt in my mind that Jeff is walking the streets of gold and was welcomed with "Well done good and faithful servant." I do look forward to the day we will be reunited.
For anyone in my life I have to say The last four years have been much more difficult than I ever imagined.....suffering a devastating unexpected loss of my brother..... Jeff was taken way to soon. We all grieve in different ways and realizing that it would take months and even years to recover, or maybe never. I realize that the process of grieving is messy and it can last longer than anticipated. I hope you realize that I will still cry from time to time. I still don't apologize for my tears, since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith. I would just like to thank you for being my friend and continuing to support me. Even though its been almost five years, I still appreciate your prayers. At times I may be angry for no appropriate reason, sometimes I'm not sure why, all I know at times my emotions are intense because of my grief. I may not make sense to you, please continue to be forgiving and patient with me, and if I repeat myself again and again, please accept this as normal. Your presence and understanding means so very much. You still don't have to know what to say or even say anything, just a caring glance, a warm hug, or a listening ear speak volume to my heart. Please don't wait for me to call, since a lot of time I feel overwhelmed, and if I withdraw, please don't let me do that very long. I have come along way over the past nearly 5 years. Yet, the pain is still so painful, and it is one of the worst things that have ever happened to me, but I know I will survive and continue to recover. I cling to that knowledge, even though there has been times when I didn't feel it, I know I won't always feel as I do now. I am working on letting go of the emotions and self guilt and trying not to continue to beat myself up. Laughter and joy has emerged slowly back into my life, and I know it will continue to emerge. Please know I still don't need fixing....that is God's job! I have to say though... your love, patiences and prayers continue to substain me through those times. God is faithful. He is my substaining grace. I pray that God still uses this time of grieving to help me continue to grow and to equip me to minister and help others with greater passion than ever before. The Lord has blessed me and I was given the opportunity for a second chance in life. I was in a spot where I really shouldn't be here today, but I know God had a different plan for me, and I won't waste a single opportunity given to me to help myself and to help others.
So, Jeff, thank you for all the wonderful memories, happy birthday and this is for you!! If I can make the difference in just one persons life, I will continue to share our story...because I know its what you'd want.....
Happy Birthday....I Love you and I miss you...and you will live forever in my heart!
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