IRONIC......

`50 BLOGS.....

 

I find this kind of ironic....when I counted my new blog topics I've listed or started, but I haven't completed....there were 50 of them! I don't know, just weird, turn 50 and have 50 blog topics.  I very seldom go anywhere that I don't have a pad of paper just in case a thought comes to me. (seems to bug people that I do this, but it's me and what I chose to do)  Sometimes I have writers block, well maybe.  Maybe the real reason is when I don't want to feel, I don't write. Can't write.  Again, I don't know.  I haven't figured out if I stop because I lose interest in what I was saying (I don't think so, cuz my brain is constantly going) or it didn't feel authentic, and if it doesn't feel authentic, what's the point.  Honestly, I think it's because my brain works faster than I can start to finish things, without having another idea, another something laid on my heart. 

 

Since I have started blogging a little over a year ago and something 160 some blogs later, I've lost some friends to this ugly disease of addiction, yet gained some amazing friends and reconnected with some old friends, my dog died, got a new puppy, went to college, got my license as a substance abuse counselor, had some major changes at my job of 32 years, watched my son marry the love of his life and started a family of his own, my daughter finished school and passed state boards for court reporting, with lots of tears and heartaches, footprints of love placed on my heart and promise after promise to all be fake and false,  was blessed to be able to drive home with my parents and spend a month with them in their home and help them with some health issues,  and help plant their garden and flowers.  It just amazes me what can happen in a year, what you can see in a year, what you can do in a year.  I don't think I've been in a place (ok, maybe I have) where I haven't wanted to write about something, just some things are hardest to express than others.  The hardest part is starting, after that, it just flows.  Most of the things and changes have turned out for the good.  I think through all the ups and downs, my hope became unsteady just for a minute, maybe not wanting to face some of it.  Some of it has been a bit of a haze.  I always thought I was self aware and there were definitely moments I truly was.  I am so grateful that i was able to be present in my own skin.  I didn't have to numb the feelings or numb the fear of not knowing the next step, numb the not feeling worthy of anything great to come my way.  I mean after all...I do have lots of amazing things come my way.

 

I saw this quote on facebook and it was just what I needed..."expect to have hope rekindled.  Expect your prayers to be answered in wonderous ways.  The dry seasons in life do not last, the spring rains will come again."  I love this quote.  When things are not going our way or so peachy, our hopes can  so easily vanish.  In the dry seasons of life it's more difficult to expect blessings.  Those are the times I have to take a timeout and remind myself that since God is who He says He is, He will do what He says He will.  There is no doubt!

 

Sometimes faith can be wavering for a short moment, short lived. We need to show up in our own life.  Everyday.  Because this is it.  A lot of us just keep waiting , waiting for something to happen.  Funny though, it turns out that it already has happened, and keeps happening.  This is all part of it.  The not knowing, the uncertainty, the doubts, the hopes, the fears, the disappointments, the joys, the mistakes.  It all gets you to the next right place.  It wasn't very long ago that some wise person said to me and it seemed so important yet so effortless.  They said " it takes every ounce of your past and present to get you to your future"  I whole-heartedly believe that!  I also believe that man sees what we do...but God knows why we do it.  Just do the right thing!

 

So in the meantime.....we need to keep trusting, because this is our life.  I know I want to show up for it and I want to see how my story continues to unfold.

 

 

All Because of His Amazing Grace.....

GRACE IS WILD.....

I absolutely love God's grace.  It is amazing!  By the grace of God, I got to wake up today, by the grace of God I have a job, by the grace of God I'm healthly, have a home, have a beautiful family and friends.  By the grace of God, I am forgiven.

 

If we just keep our faith in God, and happily accept His grace we will find out there will no more room for anger, resentment and negative thoughts.  Sure we can always make room, but why?  It takes up enough time and space.  So, why don't we open up our clinched fists and take a chance on His grace.

 

Enough...long enough.  Grace as it pertains to God....He gives it freely.  Which then brings the question...why can't we give it freely also?  Well, the answer is....We can.  We can choose to say enough.  Enough anger, enough resentment, enough wishing things were different.

 

We all know about forgiveness.  We know that harboring unforgiveness only hurts the unforgiving. 

 

So, just as God covers us with Grace, we need to give it freely to others and also it starts with us, having enough grace to forgive ourselves.

 

For every 60 seconds of anger takes away of a minute of our happiness.....

 

All because of His Amazing Grace.....

I BELIEVE THAT GOD....

 

I believe that God gives us passion and ideas in our minds and writes desires on our heart at an early age.  For sure some paths and directions in life aren't clarified until later on in life.  I believe God starts to sew seeds early on in our years that, sometimes we really don't fully understand until later in life.

 

Sometimes we have a tendency to wavier, but I cannot help but believe that God's purposes always prevail.  You see, He has purposes for our lifes.  Even though we may forget for a moment what our purpose is, He brings us back to our purpose when we look towards Him. Whether it is feeding the hungry, clothing the homeless, donating to a foundation of Diabetias, cancer, MPS, or Alzehmirs.

There's so many passions God has laid in my heart....I want to do it all, including teen moms, alzehmirs, cancer,  kidney dialysis and most important to me is helping the recovering addict realize there is a different way to live.

I have a passion for babies, for my flowers in my yard, for music. for my relationship with God and others.  I have a passion for changing of the seasons, nature, camping, the mountains, slow moving creeks over rocks, smashing waves crashing upon the beach and the smell of salt water air.  Time doesn't allow us to fulfill our passions as we'd like.  I do know that my life is not about me.  The moment that I think it is about me, is the moment that I've missed it.  I've missed the whole point.  The encouraging part is that God brings us back to our passions, to accomplish His purpose.

This was just a touch about passion, wavering and wondering exactly what God's purpose is for us.  It is just the best thing, to see that I can mess up 1000 times and His love isn't going to run out.  His purpose for me will continue to prevail!

All Because of His Amazing Grace...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY....HAPPY PLACE JEFF.....

Today is one of two of the most difficult days of the entire year for me.......I turned 50 two days ago, and Jeff turns 53 today.  For as long as I can remember, we shared our birthday parties....I can't exactly remember party themes, but I can remember the cakes our Aunt Nora would make each one of us....decorated exactly as we wished.  I can still see the images of Jeff and I in our swimsuits, getting out of our pool on Lupton Street and everyone circling around us singing Happy Birthday to us and both blowing out the candles at the same time...naturally he had 3 more candles than me, and always still seemed to blow them out first!  Probably because he was full of hot air!! lol!

I have dreaded this day all year, knowing myself and how I feel, yet my mom being here with me has made this day so much easier.  Her words were very comforting and the prayers we prayed did bring some comfort.  We both admitted that we miss him terribly and this world is missing one less amazing person, yet he is in a way better place than we are, and someday we will be reunited with him in heaven.

I love remembering all the good times we had, how he loved Memphis, music, bar-b-q, watching his son Nick play basketball, Cajun cooking, writing for the newspaper, his yard including tomatoes, peppers, and flowers.  He loved being married and being a dad.  He had many friends, loved photography, loved writing, loved the holidays and family time!  oh yes, he loved being a big brother! He loved playing tricks on me, holding me down and hanging a loogy out of his mouth over my face, sucking it back in just in time! oh and smashed my hand in the car door once, scaring me each chance he got, teasing me that I was adopted, and anything eles I would be gulable about!  Yet many big brother protect little sister memoires too!  showed me the ropes my freshman year, would never let anyone throw me in a trash can, wanted me in yearbook with me and even introduced me to some of "his friends"  yes, I had a crush on Mark, i will admit!

Jeff loved the Lord, there was no doubt...I mean after all he sang a solo on one of our road trips "do Lord or do Lord, do you remember me?"  Not that he wanted to sing it, but on one of our road trips, we each had to sing a song, and this is what he chose!  On a serious note...we came across his Bible that momma and daddy gave him dated August 20th, 1971. There was a homework assignment in his Bible, he had to make a poster regarding "Peace on earth".  He wrote "peace and quiet, dark away from the rat race, no pollution, no smog.....it would be nice to live out there with no wars and poverty.  You wouldn't have to live in constant danger or being killed, no draft cards being burnt.  its the law, a good man obtains favor of the Lord but a man of wicked devices will be condemned." Proverbs 12:2        No doubt in my mind that Jeff is walking the streets of gold and was welcomed with "Well done good and faithful servant."  I do look forward to the day we will be reunited.

For anyone in my life I have to say The last four years have been much more difficult than I ever imagined.....suffering a devastating unexpected loss of my brother..... Jeff was taken way to soon.  We  all grieve in different ways and realizing that it would take months and even years to recover, or maybe never.  I realize that the process of grieving is messy and it can last longer than anticipated.  I hope you realize that I will still cry from time to time.  I still don't apologize for my tears, since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith.  I would just like to thank you for being my friend and continuing to support me.  Even though its been almost five years, I still appreciate your prayers.  At times I may be angry for no appropriate reason, sometimes I'm not sure why, all I know at times my emotions are intense because of my grief.  I may not make sense to you, please continue to be forgiving and patient with me, and if I repeat myself again and again, please accept this as normal.  Your presence and understanding means so very much.  You still don't have to know what to say or even say anything, just a caring glance, a warm hug, or a listening ear speak volume to my heart.  Please don't wait for me to call, since a lot of time I feel overwhelmed, and if I withdraw, please don't let me do that very long.  I have come along way over the past nearly 5 years.  Yet, the pain is still so painful, and it is one of the worst things that have ever happened to me, but I know I will survive and continue to recover.  I cling to that knowledge, even though there has been times when I didn't feel it,  I know I won't always feel as I do now.  I am working on letting go of the emotions and self guilt and trying not to continue to beat myself up.  Laughter and joy has emerged slowly back into my life, and I know it will continue to emerge. Please know I still don't need fixing....that is God's job!  I have to say though... your love, patiences and prayers continue to substain  me through those times.  God is faithful.  He is my substaining  grace.  I pray that God still uses this time of grieving to help me continue to grow and to equip me to minister and help others with greater passion than ever before.    The Lord has blessed me and I was given the opportunity for a second chance in life.  I was in a spot where I really shouldn't be here today, but I know God had a different plan for me, and I won't waste a single opportunity given to me to help myself and to help others. 

So, Jeff, thank you for all the wonderful memories, happy birthday and this is for you!! If I can make the difference in just one persons life, I will continue to share our story...because I know its what you'd want.....

Happy Birthday....I Love you and I miss you...and you will live forever in my heart!





UNDER THE BIG TOP.....

Who doesn't love a fair or a circus?  Ok, I'll admit I wasn't looking 100%

 forward to going to the fair, not so much the fair itself, but the 2 1/2 hour drive there and the 2 1/2 hour drive home!  The fair part was ok, even though I knew I'd want a Diet Pepsi, after-all, its not like I was gonna hang out in the beer gardens or wine taste, it's just a simple diet pepsi. But hey, I found  the strength not to engage in that since it was Day 3, without it, and I can do this!  Back to the fair...my mother-in-law (for those of you who know her) had made up her mind we were going to this fair....Huel Howser featured it on his show and she wanted to go try one of the sandwiches and footlong corndogs he talked about on the show.  Being that Huel had passed away, greg tried to explain to her, that the show was probably a few years back and probably will find the corndogs but can't promise the sandwiches!  We did find a fajita booth and that was our late lunch/early dinner.  I'm going to try to keep our fair experience in somewhat of the order we proceeded in. 

 

First of all, a pretty drive up Highway 80 (actually I slept most of the way, but since I was in charge of directions, I woke up just in time to be able to say "take off here, Highway 49"  The next 20 miles or so were very scenic and lots of redwood trees.  Actually pretty booming city, saw several Starbucks, a home depot, Les Schwans, and mini shopping centers.  After this turn and that turn, the cars stopped...something was happening...yep, the opening day of the Nevada County/GrassValley fair.  Parking lot after parking lot were already full.  We turned into parking lot #4...we asked if we could drop Mona off close to the gate and then we would park.....our lucky day, they kindly let us park in an open "fair official" spot! SWEET!  2 adults and 1 senior later, we're in. 

 

First building...quilts...you guessed it, I found another hobby I'd love to pursue, but since I cant even figure out how to thread my bobbin (my brain must be the size of a pea) I've realized I will probably never be a quilter, just have to enjoy other peoples art pieces.  Next was looming, maybe that's what it's called, like with wool and a wheel, we even got to vote on our favorite displayed item.  As we exited this building, it took us right to the mid-way.  Rides that stood you on your head, spun you around, jerked you from here to there and made loud music to drown out the screams!  The scrambler, the tilt-o-whirl, merry-go-round and yes a ferris wheel---no thanks!  There wasn't a ride one that was tempting, except it was fun to try and talk Mona into at least just one ride.  How about the zipline through the redwoods....it's only 10 dollars , I'll treat...she looked and contiplated, yet the final answer was still "NO".  Wait...is that an elephant I see?  By gosh, it is and it's only 10 dollars...again "NO"  Looks like there will be no mid-way rides for us (which was perfectly fine with me!) 

 

With the smell of Bar-b q, Chinese food, deep fried onion rings, and Mexican food, we decided on a beef fajita...good choice, except I think Mona worn more than she ate:(  We joined a couple as we enjoyed our fajitas....Why us?  No, they were nice, but it was an hour visit, talked about or should I say we listened to him talk about his childhood, spending time in Manteca at the water slides, his jeeping experience, his belief in firearms, meth addicts, the elephant ride protestors standing outside of the fair, and the wine tasting booth the were working on.  Once he stepped off his soap box, we kindly thanked them for sharing the picnic table with us, and politely excused ourselves....

 

next building....a little bit of this and that....thought of my dad though....Mona said had he been there with us, he would want to sit down and listen to the demonstration on this cook ware....he's always been intrigued by gadgets.

 

and the exibits of characters made out of fruit and veggies...very clever!

 

naturally, I would find the building of flowers, plants and arrangements...love me some sunflowers!

 

now this looked like a lot of fun!  I wish I was little enough, I would of so done this.  You are in a large clear beach ball, and you relax, jump, squirm, do summer salts or try to run, all while floating in a large pool of water.  So intriguing...

 

barn time.....being in the feed business for 70 plus years, we cant not go through the animal barns, watch 4-her's, FFA'ers show their pigs, lambs, goats, cows, rabbits and chickens. 

loved this picture...it just made me wonder if cows could talk, what is being said here, appears to be a pretty serious one sided conversation...

 

next was the goat barns....this poor little momma goat, it looks like she was gonna have her baby or babies any minute.  She looked absolutely miserable and didn't move... this barn brought back so many memories from my childhood..... I have to share this with you,.....

 

yes, i'm a country girl at heart, I have experienced most country things there are to experience...irrigating in the middle of the night, throwing cow patties at each other, feeding pigs, being chased by geese, chopping a head off a chicken, to boiling and plucking its feathers and eventually eating it, making home made dill pickles, feeding a baby lamb, riding horses and being bucked off, reaping what you sow in the garden, swimming in the irrigation ditches, talking to someone through the cyclone fence sitting on hay bales,  and having my first "real" job.  Thinking back, I think this was abusing child labor! just kidding, but I really did milk goats at the goat farm located across the road from us.  I would sit on my wooden milking stool, bucket in hand and go from goat to goat and milk them by hand, as flies swarmed us, the goat would try to kick me off and try to kick the milk bucket over, the smell was horrible and the middle of the night milkings were the worst!  And I got paid a whoping 5 cents a goat!  I knew from that day on, I would go to school and never milk goats again!  and never drink goat milk or eat goat cheese!  I couldn't resist taking this picture and texting it to my dad so he could enjoy my memories with me....if I got paid 5 cents a goat, this girl has it easy and better be getting like a penny a goat!

 

I've never been to a fair quite like this one...It was very relaxing and very enjoyable.  I mean how could it not be perfect....pinecones and pineneedles coving the ground, the smell of pine trees, bar-b-q, a nice cool breeze, the giggles of little ones, the moo's of cows, clucks of chickens, bahaha of lambs and goats, people in wheelchairs, walkers, strollers, and the taste of Italian ice (strawberry/banana), samples of carmel corn, GrassValley American Idol contestants singing from a stage at the other end, and all the other fun that happens "UNDER THE BIG TOP"

 

All in all, a great fair experience, brought back a lot of memories and felt extremely blessed to be a part of all of this, and I believe its all "BECAUSE OF HIS AMAZING GRACE"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



THE CANDY MAN CAN....

Another song stuck in my head.....Sammy Davis Jr. "The Candy Man Can"......

 

It's such a song from my childhood!  It makes me think of the song "brand new pair of roller skates, I got a brand new key", "knocking on Heaven's Door".  The list could go on and on.  Then I think of New Deal Market, I can still picture each and every isle, even some of the stockers and cashiers!  Then of coarse there was the El Rey movie theater....The red velvet chairs, the flick candy in a foil covered cardboard tubes and paying 25 cents more to sit in the upper balcony area!  ok say wait, back to "The Candy Man Can"...

 

Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew

cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two

The Candy Man, oh the Candy Man can

The Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love and

makes the world taste good

 

 

Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sigh

soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie

The Candy Man, the Candy Man can

The Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love and

makes the world taste good

 

The Candy Man makes everything he bakes saitisfying and

delicious

Now you talk about your childhood wishes, you can even

eat the dishes

 

Oh, who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream

separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream

The Candy Man, oh the Candy Man can

the Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love and

makes the world taste good

 

The Candy Man makes everything he bakes satisfying and

delicious

Talk about your childhood wishes, you can even eat the dishes

 

Who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream

separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream

The Candy Man, the Candy Man can

The Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love and

makes the world taste good

Yes, the Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love and

makes the world taste good

 

the Candy Man can......"

 

This song and so many other songs and people, places and things remind me of my childhood wishes......I'm glad the Candy Man mixes it with love and makes the world taste good...kinda like "paying it forward" makes the world a better place.

 

All because of His Amazing Grace..



JUST BE.....

Most of you know how I feel about my mom and daddy...they are such a huge part of my life, they both are angels on earth, a role model, an inspiration, loving and sincere.  I have rather a hectic week and a busy weekend.  My mom texts me this afternoon and tells me to "be sure to slow down and smell the roses".   I am taking her advise to heart, I may not have roses in my yard to smell, but I have plenty of other flowers (love my honey suckle and jasmine).  The reason I bring up my parents, is because when you are on the inside looking out, most of the time, it looks different than being on the outside looking in.  It is so important to have someone who can lovingly  point out and help us put our feet on solid ground, someone who encourages us to keep doing the next right thing, someone who loves us unconditionally and will always be there, someone who lets us be ourselves, no judging, no hesitation, just wanting the best in all aspects for us. 

 

RELAX AND JUST BE......

 

I want to relax and let myself just be... different people have different ways of being and expressing themselves.  When I take a look around at others or even at myself, its interesting to see how we each express ourselves and "just be".  anywhere from loud colors and fancy clothing to more buttoned-down and conservative, athletic and sporty, funny and artistic, down-to-earth and practical, out-going or more keep to yourself, (as for me, I'm trying to be more out-going, to put myself out there without the fear of being hurt and someone walking away, trying to trust and realize some people cant keep a promise, and they just say what you want to hear, or do what benefits them for the moment).

 

I have shared with others and always seem to talk about my love of music, the lyrics, the beat, and how it touches my soul. I talk about my flowers how good they are for my soul, the ocean, how it just brings me closer to God, and puts peace in my soul.  I have learned and experienced that "a soulful" person is comfortable in their own skin, I'm not there yet, not sure if I will ever be completely comfortable in my own skin, but I will never give up, and I know it's progress, not perfection.  My goal is to relax with who I am, a unique person who is loved by God, who created me.  I hope to find inspiration and creative joy in being myself. 

 

I read this saying today and it inspired me to write this blog...it said.... "Why not be oneself?  That is the whole secret of a successful and best life." continued with "if one is a labador retriever, why try to look like a shitzu?"    

 

All of this, Because of His Amazing Grace...



LIVE EACH MOMENT AS A BLESSING....

Yes, every moment is a blessing.  Each day is a gift from God. 

 

For me, sometimes I get so busy, or frustrated, or tired, or non-shalont, or frazzeled, even un-focused. I will admit, I don't always give everything to God, there are times that I think "ok, I got this".  yet silly me, I know better, I just get alittle impatient.  I know I can never do anything better than God, or even without God.  Another character flaw I need to work on is instead of anticipating the future or regretting the past, I need to focus on what is happening in my life at this moment in time.  I know that each moment contains many blessings that sometimes go unnoticed.

 

I'm a "detail" person.... and I know and feel that God is in the details.....and the details of even the simplest daily act are rich with beauty and blessings.  I have been paying closer attention to the details.  Details in the color of the sky, flowers in bloom, the smell of freshly cut grass, the sparkle in others eyes, conversation with my patients, the songs that birds chirp, the words out of a devotional called "Jesus Calling",  details of a new recipe, details along my walk, the lyrics and their meaning, the sun's warmth, breathing in and out, a smiling baby, a shake of a hand, the word promise, a garden and all the details and the seeds start to sprout and produce vegetables,  details in greeting cards, and details of sharing kindness and love.  

 

I want to accept everything that comes my way as a blessing.  I want to count difficulties as blessings in disguise, trusting that one day I will understand. (I don't understand a lot of the time, yet I don't just have faith in God, but I also have faith in His timing.)  God blesses each moment of my life, and I thank Him for that.

 

So for me....I'm going to try and  pay attention to what is happening in this very each and every moment.  I will try to be aware of all the good that surrounds me right now and thank Him for it.

 

All because of His Amazing Grace.....