THE JOURNEY OR THE DESTINATION????

 

Whether it sounds like a "cliche" at times or not....you decide for yourself....is it the journey or the destination?

 

I have yet to decide.....the journey is ever so important....yet in order to get to the destination, you have to go thru the journey.

 

I have been on this journey for over 4 years now...i havent shared it in it's entirity....bits and pieces here and there....some know, some don't, some were there every step of the way, some are just hearing about it now.  Steve Y., I hear your encouragement and words...."it's your story, so tell it."

 

There is NOTHING that I CAN change, Lord knows there is plenty I WOULD change if I could. So, I have to decide which direction my fingers on the keyboard are going to take this blog, right now at this moment.....

 

Ok...since i will be thnking about this all night and probably not sleep a wink...i have decided where this journey (which i will share more of later) has taken me....actually in less than 10 hours i will be at the beginning of just one of my destinations...

 

My heart, my desire, my passion, is falling into place.  When you least expect that phone call....it happens.

 

I can now say I am pretty open with people about my addiction, about my recovery, about my life, about losing people I love to this ugly disease...the names are endless, and to me they are not just a name....they are people who have touched my life, who have made my heart reach out to others, they are people who only wanted a better life for themselves, a better life for their families and their loved ones....they never meant to hurt anyone, they never meant to make you worry or keep you up all night, they never meant to make you cry, they were simply wives, husbands, fathers, brothers, sisters, employee's, mom's, dad's, son's and daughters....they were good people who made bad choices....they could smile, they could love, they could be your friend, they could date your daughter and make her fall in love with them,  yet the disease of addicition doesnt discriminate....young, old, black, white, male or females, grandparents, people with degrees, doctors, dentists, pilots, construction workers, people who graduated from Berkely or Fresno State, people who rocked babies in the hospital nursery, dental asssitants, city workers, or even full-time mommy's. This disease is real and ugly and won't give up, EVER!

 

When I first entered rehab over 4 years ago, I was given the advise of keeping a journal.  I do like writing, somewhat obvious, yet writing my thoughts and feelings with the chance of someone reading them, scared me...made me feel less than, made me feel ashamed of my actions.  Yet, I figured these people knew better than me, so I took their advise and kept a pen and paper with me most of the time.  I wrote about the horrible withdrawl symptoms that i was feeling.  I figured if I were really explicit about it, there was no way in the future that I could sugar coat it myself and convince myself later that "it wasn't all that bad".  I wrote about resentments, i apoligized, i wiped tears from many pages, and i was taught to open up and share yourself with others.  The word "intimate".."into me, I let you see."

 

You know, recovery is a trying process, to say the least.  It's tough on the addict or alcoholic and it's tough on the family. Many people say that one of the most difficult aspects of addiction is that you really have NO IDEA what to do. If you're a family member trying to help an addict , you probably haven't been through this before.  This is new territory.  and if an addict has been down this road before, well they haven't learned the lessons they needed to.

 

Dang-it....so where was I?  That's right, the destination i will have reached in less that 10 hours.

 

A very close friend dropped a brochure in my mailbox for UOP Substance Abuse Counsloring program.  I threw the idea around, asked my family and few friends, and prayed hard about it....July 2012, i started a journey that I had no clue what exactly I was getting myself into.  This excelled program was Monday through Thursday 6 pm to 10 pm, for the next 6 months.  I have to say, it was one of the most challenging commitments i had ever made.  I left work in my scrubs, jumped on the freeway and practically lived out of my car. I stayed up literally for days and nights doing homework. I met some amazing people, again mostly recovering addicts, good people who have made some bad choices, yet all grateful for the second chance we had been granted.  For me and my personal journey, i had never taken a college class, little lone remember much i learned from high school.  No algebra, geomentry, biology, chemistry, history, ever stuck with me, so i was pretty much starting from behind square one....yet my passion and desire to learn about about this ugly disease that I despise so much, was and is very strong. First there was a class called something like "treatment plan writing"....no clue for this girl that it was English 101...boy was i in for a long ride.  I had never heard of ( and if I did hear of it, i forgot it) a fragment or a run-on.  I had heard of verbs, adverbs, adjectives and nouns...yet i had to learn all over again.. I had never used Word Document, learned the difference in subjective and objective writing. This is in no particular order of classes but i had Dr. Kirkwood, for group counsloring, co-occuring disorders, He pounded REBT into our heads, along with CBT, he layed out some relapse prevention strategy for use with various kids of clients.  We learned about bipolar, depression, dual personalities, how addicts will deny, rationalize, blame, and minimize their disease. We touched on improving relationships, overcoming obstacles, learn better communication skills, resolve old issues learn more about ourselves and how to deal with others in our lifes. Then was a retired instructor that frankly layed everything out on the table and did not hold back, and wouldn't let us either.  He oepnly talked about every STD out there, every communicale disease imaginable and shared pictures with us...If we didnt feel like BFF's or comfortable with one another, this class changed all that, we were not allowed to hold back....now when I hear the word "Truvada", i know what this word is..  i now know much about "Methadone Clinics", about uppers, downers and all arounders.  We touched on the basics about tolerance to benzodiazepines, and barbiturates. Yes, then there was Dr. Elizabeth Maloney who taught us all about developing an assessment, brief and vague screenings, as well as in-depth screenings...."CAGE'..."DAST"..."ASSIST"..& "TWEAK". Dr. Maloney couldn't reiteratie the importance of confidentiality and trust, to be an active listerner, and to let the client take the biggest part of their treatment plan and what is most important for them to work on.  Then there was Joe Dittman, a retired Parole Officer, had never taught before, but knew his stuff. Towards the end of the program, we were blessed to have Pastor James French work with us in our last two classes.  Our were made to take a look at our belief system, our openness, to not judge a book by it's cover, and to step out of our comfort zone and do or look at something out of our box, our comfort zone.  The people I met....joe (veitnam vet, on dialysis, holds a special place in my heart)...Damion (the best chef ever)...(Eddie, my protective friend who would be sure i made it out to my car each nite)...Stephen, (the over acheiver) Angelia ( our american indian advocate..love her spirit) Cynthia ( a young mommy of 3 girls, making a better life for her and her girls, so proud of her and love her) nancy..(knew her through the dental office), ok, my eyes are getting heavy and my mind slwoing way down.....Yet 2 important things happening on the same day....in less than 9 hours....

 

First, i am at the point to put my knowledge, faith, hope and experiences out there and share with others. There is worth in all these experiences of pain, of honesty, of courage, of strenght.  Tomorow, I hope my amazing God gives me the courage to stand where i had once had been...yet fortunate to carry on, and have wisdom to know the difference, and have the compassion and kindness to offer to other addicts who are still suffering, and to let them know there is another way to live. 

 

So, i will close with having shared with  you just one of my journey's...and the destination being there at 9 am Thursday morning, March 21st, 2013, a women and childrens treatment and recovery facility.  Even though, it is a destination, the journey begins all over again for me. (and a 6 pm class reunion with my classmates back at UOP)

 

I feel and believe like i was given a second chance in life, i was 3 feet under, but God wasnt finished with me...He had different plans...I am a survivor, and i believe i need to take charge and utilize my experience for the good of myself and hopefully others.  The past is ONLY used for teaching and healing...to say "YES, I KNOW that pain.  It CAN get better.  I know that God is leading me and has plans for me...He has opened this door for me, and i will trust Him.  I know this is not an easy career, yet I feel so strongly that God wants me to share and work with those who have suffered at the hands of others in ways sometimes too horrifice to name.  They are caught in a web of shame that seems almost impossible to overcome. The abused, abandoned, shamed, hated, beaten back down and up and down again, they carry invisiable scars, they are aliendated from the happy go lucky crowd, and the moms where CPS has stepped in and taken action.  There comes a point in life, when most substance users wake up and realize enough is enough, they become ready to move past their instant gratification lifestyle and crave a direction and purpose in life.  I am excited to start this journey in a few hours.....and I know through all the butterflies and my social anxiety, God will have my back and I am so blessed i have such prayer warriors on my side.....

 

Because of His AMAZING GRACE......