I am often in awe at her wonder, her pure joy in the magic of life. Yet at the same time, I hurt when she hurts, I want to hold her in a bubble of love and safety, but I know that she must experience life...all of it, even the pain and hurt it can bring. And she has experienced the pain and hurt.....not once, but twice, just praise God, different outcomes.
I just put a post on facebook, regarding a real touching conversation I had with my daughter today. Once she had gone to bed, my heart was feelin alittle heavy for her, so I sent her a text and asked if she minded if I shared our conversation today....she didn't mind. So, I did a post, yet I feel like there is more to say, more to feel, more to work through. I figured my blog page was the appropriate place to do so. there's not many that read it, and that's ok...it's been a great place for me to heal, to share and to let few know who I truly am and breaking down the walls surrounding me, letting few in.
Driving down the freeway today with Renee...it was quiet in the car....we had just left Me-Ma's, a lot on our minds....when Renee says "Mom?" 'yes" I reply. She says with a quiver in her voice "you know, there are a lot of people proud of me for passing my boards, and you know who else would of been proud of me?" I say "who Renee?" She says "Casey". "yes, baby, he would of, he was one of your biggest fans." Some more quiet time as we drive home. My heart and mind couldn't stop...I knew I wouldn't of been able to sleep tonight until I shared this.
A mother only wants the best for her daughter...and I am no exception. Casey had convinced me that he was "a best for Renee"... She has so many "bests" in her path...she is smart, beautiful, witty, quiet, conservative yet knew how to have a good time, could stand her own ground, independent yet wants to share her life with others. I have to stop here for a minute and say...I thank God for giving me a daughter like you...you were not like so many others. God has been kind enough to keep you away from all the bad things prevailing in this society. You are on your way of becoming such an independent person. I will always be with you when you need me. Nae, don't fear about anything. When your heart is broken, or you're tired, or worried about life not going in the right direction, please come to me and share your burden and I will remind you about the qualities God has bestowed on us as woman to face any challenges of life. God will not bring you to something without helping you through it. Like I have said over and over, it's not just about having faith in God, but it's also having faith in God's timing.
So, I have to say, "you're right Nae, Casey would of been proud of you. We both know that, he was one of your biggest fans."
Casey.....I know you are smiling... your smile is so contagious, your blue-eyes sparkle, as her's light up! I am so grateful for the times you made her smile, made her giggle, rode the gondola to the top of the mountain with her, had pizza and watched movies with her at her grandmas house, for packing her car and placing a beautiful bouquet of flowers in her front seat as you reassured her and promised her that the 375 miles that would now be in between you two, would honestly not effect what you two had.... everything would be ok, just wait and see. Thanks for believing in her Casey, for being so respectful, for meeting her dad, being respectful, polite, happy go lucky an honest and loving gentleman. Casey, I know you didn't mean to leave this way...I know you had dreams and goals, and truly enjoyed life....I appreciate you being so open and honest with Nae...not holding anything back in regards to your "other world". You let her in both of your worlds....you were brutally honest. Regardless, she saw past all that... she believed in you, as you believed in her. She knew the potential you had, she saw your tenderness, your desire to make your family proud, and she saw your passion for life itself. You were a natural leader, so the people in your circle stated. Your smile and grin was so contagious! On your day where everyone gathered "from both of your worlds" I don't think I have heard so many wonderful things ever to be said about one person. From your mom and dads brave courageous words that day, to your sponsor making sure there was not a dry eye there, to your uncle greg and your best friend who reassured us that no matter what you did, you did it "CASEY STYLE"
I believe God had plans in crossing our paths. I can say I am a better person because of you. Anyone in the world of recovery that knew you would say the same. You promised me that you had a helmet for Nae whenever you took her for a ride on your Harley, you promised me she was safe with you., not only am I a better person, so is Nae-nae, and anyone else's life you touched. I will never forget you encouraging her and telling her to live her dream, that you weren't going anywhere. I know you didn't mean to go this way, you loved life....yet this disease stole your life...we have been robbed of many more years, many more smiles, many more fun times. Many don't understand, I try to Casey, this disease was in your head, it was calling your name, this disease strolled into your life and wouldn't leave without you. This one world of yours was turned upside down....yet please continue to know Casey, you will forever live in our hearts, we will do as your dad asked us to, to keep ours and your memories and spirit alive. And most important Casey, I want to teach the world to "not hate the addict, but to hate the disease"
So, once again Casey, thank you for making Nae feel reassured that you cared, you believed in her, and you also are proud of her today for living her dream and knowing hard work pays off, and all she is capable of.
Because of His Amazing Grace.....
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