Never in a millions years did I ever see myself going to college, in addition to my job that I love for the past 31 years. Yet, here I am, class after class, 4 nights a week at UOP. Not complaining, just not sure how I am doing it. Each new class, I wonder how I will make it through, but with the AMAZING GRACE of my God... I am able to continue. Last night was one of the most emotional nights I could ever imagine for 12 people. 12 people that have been in this together for the past 2 months...you would think that us 12 have known each other for years, last night, the raw emotions, the depth, the sincerity, it is almost beyond words, but I'm gonna try....
So, this class that I'm in... a theory class.....Dr. Kirkwood.... interesting, wasnt sure how or if i would like it or even make it... but tomorow night is the end. However, an unfathomal event occured last night... an assignment we had been working on for the past few weeks. I did the assignment as directed, how it was on the syllabus, except.... somewhere along the way, I totally missed the part that said part of our grade would be on our presentation. How could I miss that? So, i get to class, and this guy says we will each do our presentation...WHAT??? You mean we just don't turn it into you? I wasnt the only one who could feel something take over... pretty sure it's called anxiety... not a good feeling, yet a very familar one for me. I will try my hardest to let you feel what i felt. ( i think i left out what our assisngment actually was... a genogram.... kinda like a family tree, yet more in depth, )
Steven was brave enough to go first... he brought his large poster board up front with him and started out with his grandparents, remembering times of family gatherings, certain uncles, certain cousins, much alcohol and much drugs. at the age of 13.. being shown how to roll his first joint. It was on then... it was all bad... a full blown addiction, dropping out of high school, rebelling in every way... a signifacant other,and a son that was taken from them due to their addiction. Losing everything, living in his car.... he was was sick and tired of being sick and tired, with 5 years clean of all drugs, a beatutiful wife and 3 more children... family means everything to him.
Joe.... a vietnam vet.... an even larger poster board with his family tree.... this gentleman took alot of time and poured his everything into this.... so many family members, some functional and many not. Yet, at one point when he talked about his siblings, one of them struck an emotional chord, and there was no holding back... his little sister 24 years of age died of complications of a diabetic coma... you could hear a pin drop it was so quiet... Joe found the courage and the strenght to continue on....not a dry eye... this man is such an inspirtation... a vietnam vet, who now works with vets who are homeless and addicted to drugs, he holds a special spot in my heart... he is on kidney dialysis, with such a postiive outlook on life he gives me hope! Joe pretty much set the tone for the rest of the evening...
Next was Nancy..... how she never felt apart of.... everyone deserves to feel apart of...yet at a very young age she was told children are supposed to be seen not heard.... again part of her story, addiction, get clean, relapse, get clean, repeat the cycle.....
I seemed to be next in line... all was quiet and no one moved, so i was it.... yet i wasnt ready.. the warmness, the fast heart rate, the deep breathes, and to think i had made light of it acouple weeks ago and asked my dad if he cared if i just said i was adopted, make the project easier, since i was overwhelmed with so much work.... yet we both knew i was just kidding.... i took this serious and it holds the biggest spot in my heart.... i'm gonna hold on for a minute and come back to my story...
Ronnie was sitting behind me... he was up next... you know it wasnt tension at all in the room, it was intamite, the sensitivty, the emotions, it was all so real, didnt matter if you were young, older or the professor. Ronnie has lots of Tio's and Theo's, loved hearing about this one and that one... but most of all i loved hearing about his famiily, his daughter that means the world to him, and being the best dad he can.
Cynthia has lots of family too... grew up in the country, simalar stories to mine, swimming in irragation ditches... animals, tractors.... this young lady holds a spot in my heart... 27 years old, same as my daughter Renee.... only 3 daughters of her own, and a complete clean recovering addict... with a passion to help others realize there is another way to live... and family is a huge part of that.
Angelina... a native american indian... so intrigued with her hertiage.... yet didnt really realize all this until later in life... always thought maybe she was hispanic cuz she lived with a hispanic family while she was in foster care, and their skin was the same color..... addiction is her story too, and her passion is so strong to work and help others on reservations, her people.
Eddie..... lots of family... yet most lived in Texas.... and Eddie was told what happens in this house, stays in this house.... his grandfather and father were both preachers and alcoholics.... and yes addiction is a huge part of Eddie's life.... so far recovery is a HUGE part of his life....and such a kind tender hearted man that is on fire for celebrate recovery, the love of God and doing the next right thing and sharing his hopes, strenghts and experiences.
Stacy.... was very upset and angry with dr. Kirkwood for making us do this assignment... she drug her feet on this one, didnt want to look at or re-feel her childhood... too painful.... yet she prayed about it, and realized she was placed in this class with this professor for a reason.. to uncover painful experiences, deal with it and heal... and be able to help others... stacy spoke highly of her father... Her heaveanly Father, her God...
Celeste was next to last..... her and i have bonded, we were each others partner most of the time thru this class... role playing, at times the client, at times the counslor. again, celeste has a special place in my heart.... she shared about her family, but the hardest part is her 7 year old daughters father(who she loved with all her heart) died in a car accident, and her struggles in life as a single mom. She's got so much going for her
Damian.... the soft spoken, quiet young man was last... and for a good reason... him along with me had no idea (or missed the part that we would be presneting and sharing this with everyone) handled this very well... he spoke and said he did the assignment and went into alot of depth, but he wasnt comfortable with sharing with everyone... his family, his experience... generation after generation of abuse... yet he knows the chain of abuse will be broken with him... it has to! again no dry eyes in the room.
So, yes i wasn't ready either, but knew i had too.... i fit in after Nancy, and before Ronnie.. I had nothing but the best childhood, the best family, nothing but great memories and relationships. so, why was this going to be so difficult and emtoional for me?? i dont know, but it's reality, and i do wish i could change a few things.....
This presentation was a dedication to my family, my heritage, along with the dream that their memories will live on. Generations have come and gone, lives have been lived and families have been loved. Some I will never know except for the fragile photos and maybe a letter, yellowed with age, from a forgotten corner of the attic. They are my family. They have endured hardships and heartaches. I can't begin to imagine. Life was slower then and they experienced simplier joys. As I put this genogram together, I was caught up in a journey only my imagination could take me. I wish I could step back into time and be a part of their lives...share their secrets, their joys and be a part of their stories. Then it would be easy to fill in between the lines. I am part of the puzzle and a piece of my heart is tucked into their precious lives and sweet memories are a part of who I am. This is my heritage. Family means everything to me, it intrigues me, and the more i know, the more i want to know.
As I was doing some research on my family, sharing memories with my Me-Ma ( she is 91), was so peaceful and soothing. We were looking for patterns, addictions, occupations. What I found very interesting about my hertiage and family members are they were truly family orientated, they worked hard, most attended church, spent holidays together and loved and lived life to its fullest. The most common jobs they had were picking cotton, packing peaches, worked in the fields and canneries. Many were farmers and owned their own acreage.
A genogram was a little challenging, connecting everyone together. I understand and appreciate my family, all their ups and downs they endured, struggles with medical issues and making ends meet. Genorgrams contain a wealth of information on the families represented. They contain basic data found in family trees such as a name, gender, date of birth and date of death . Additional data may include education, occupation, major life events, chronic illnesses, social behaviors, nature of family relationships, emotional relationships. I looked for disorders running in the family such as alcoholism, depression, and addictions. The genogram taught me that they may vary significantly because there is no limitation as to what type of data can be included. It made me look at my own life.... its obvious where my high blood pressure comes from.... definitely because my last name is Reynolds..... where my melanoma has come from.... because i'm a Bryant. I have another issue
that I'm trying to explain to my mom and dad... they arent going for it though, ive been told that addiction is genetic... my daddy says i have some explaining to do... another reason i am expanding my knowledge. My dad does say he gets to be my first client, once i pass the state boards as an alcohol and substance abuse counslor. i think they both are figuring out that dice with friends on their i-pads are their new addiction!
As I said at the beginning, the journey I was on had me using my imagination and wondering what it was like to live their life. Almost 4 years ago... i lost my only sibling, my brother Jeff...in which left me with a huge void that
has never filled in... i dont believe it ever will fill in.....i never realized how much we had in common... i can say, i am doing my best to not just go thru the motions anymore... learning to be ok, more than ok, to live and share my hopes, strenghts and experiences with others, to love someone until they can learn to love themselves, to let someone know, its ok to take a day at a time, or an hour or minute or second at a time, to just not pick anything up and put into your body, that God doesnt make junk, and God will do for us what we can't do for ourselves, I know today that some addicts have to die in order for others to live... i dont like that part at all... i want to change that part.... so, yes i'm ok with letting others know my struggles, my addiction, my denial, my recovery, my passion to help others. I am so grateful and blessed to be apart of my family, my hertiage, and all because 2 people fell in love! ( and I'm blessed to be apart of this cohert at Uop....thank you, dr. malony, Dr. Kirkwood, George, angelina, cynthia, damian, ronnie, eddie,joe, steven, stacey, and
celeste... thank you for sharing your families with me
Because of His Amazing Grace......
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