Like I was saying last week....this has been so heavy on my heart and it's just let's see, it's not amazing or priceless ( two of my favorite things to say). This time, it's more like over-whelming, breath-taking in a bad way, insane, hectic, pestering, anyways you probably have caught on...it's bothersome, that's it!
Not sure 100% where to start, even though I never am until I let go and let God, pray , become brutually honest and open, completely (well almost) put myself out there and open my heart and bare my soul...so here goes...
Addiction is a disease. There is no easy cure (only the desire to stop). You can't beat it. An addict will always struggle with it. Please believe me on this one, not everyone agrees and that's ok, because not everyone is an addict, knows an addict, or loves an addict. But it's no different than Lupus or MS. You just learn how to deal with it. Manage it, without feeding it. Just please don't have in your mind that "addicts are weak" Recovering addicts are some of the strongest people you will ever meet. They are strong because they know the only way out of their addiction is jails, institutions or death. They know this and yet continue to fight for their clean-time. Some have to fight to regain all the things they lost in active addiction, and some never recover what they lost. We fight every single day to be better than we were the day before and we fight for the rest of our life. Just please don't tell me, I'm weak because I'm an addict, don't judge me ( like Nicole, my niece pointed out, "no way Aunt Sherri, that's God's job, not mine or anyone eles'...thank you Nicole). I already feel like I live my life in a fishbowl, on display for everyone to watch every move or non-move, but you know what, even though there's been a time or two it's bothered me, I'm truly grateful. My fishbowl scenario or description is really just being open, honest and accountable and that's how I want to live my life.
What is painful is some people don't understand, believe or even have enough knowledge about the disease of addiction. It's not that simple- sometimes even complex- yet the only cure ( please know there is no magic pill) for the disease is to stop using, and only when one is ready.... I was ready......I was at a point where it was consuming my life....lights were on but no one was home...I was 3 feet under, one foot in the grave, yet only a few knew. I was tired of feeling numb, of masking my emotions, and I was tired of carrying guilt and shame, it's very heavy when you can't unload some of it, and the utmost truth is, I had people praying for me, and I knew God was speaking to me....He opened doors....and He closed doors...big doors....right in my face. I was tired of trying to reopen doors or windows, it was time to surrender, it was time to put up the white flag and give up on what I was doing. It was shown to me over and over, God wasn't ready for me yet, He still had plans for me here on earth and I needed to embrace that grace and love and follow His path. Let me reassure you, it hasn't been a smooth, easy path, but that's ok, no matter what I know, He is right beside me or carrying me when I couldn't do it on my own. And just recently He had to carry me..."when 1 is too many and 1,000's not enough" I was at that point when 2 is better than one right? slipped into relapse mode. I'd like you to understand, accept, follow and make me accountable and just support and love me.
Most who will read this, know me in some form, yet there's parts you may not. I'd love for you to gain a better understanding of why I am, why I do the things I do and why I've done some of the things I've done. I think differently than you do...I know that can be hard to accept. Some of this may or may not make sense to you, and some of you may think it sounds likes excuses, but just hear me out on this one. I've said it before years ago and used as a simple illustration but going to use it again: most kids when fairly young ( I did) would think there was a monster in their closet or under their bed, and someone would come into my room and reassure us that there wasn't a monster, they'd even open up the closet and look under the bed. I believed them. Now that I am older and have experienced what I have, you cant convince me of that anymore. But since I do what I do, I've come to realize that there is a monster...but its not in my closet or under my bed, its inside of me and if I cant ignore this monster, it will destroy me...I know that. One of the phrases that always jumps out at me and I know in my heart "when we use drugs we are slowly committing suicide.. Sometimes, its really hard to think about the majority of society believes that an addict is weak, a lost soul. Society only thinks they know how addicts act, and their behavior. Addiction has no boundaries, doesn't discriminate, rich, poor, young, old, educated, professional...it doesn't matter. Dang-it....drug addiction, how is it possible you steel so many lives??? of people who love life, had plans and dreams, have a loving and supportive family and friends. You (drug addiction) are MANIPULATIVE AND UNCARING. You get into people's veins, heart, mind, soul and every being....yet with a much needed 24 hours with my sponsor yesterday and today....reassured that I am a member of the no matter what club...this monster will not get me and I will do whatever I can and have to in order to help others live life without the use of drugs and all of this is....
becuz of His Amazing Grace
